Thursday, January 3, 2019

it must be the weather

hey, would you look at that! i'm not dead after all.



see, one of the good things of being a writer with a personal blog (an increasing rarity these days, i know) is that you're not on deadline and you don't have an editor breathing down your neck for new content. it's fine! freedom! however, i understand that it's bad practice to uhhhhhhh not write, so here we are again. (rest assured that if i were to ever drop blogging entirely, i'd just delete this entire thing - leave no trace - so if it's still up that means i'll come back to it eventually)

in fairness to me, i only ever really take long hiatuses because sometimes i just don't have a lot to write about (or that i can write about publicly; take that however you want), or an absence gets kicked off when there's a lot of life upheaval and i just don't have the energy to write. life upheaval like losing my job. so, whatever.

but yeah, on that - funemployment remains what it is, and i'm getting by okay, although i'm discovering that it's not just a financial toll, but a mental and emotional one as well.

it's weird because, although i definitely welcome the respite and mostly prefer to be alone (i'm cool with it), it's easy as hell to backslide right into loneliness, you know? it's also that much harder when you don't have a regular routine to fill your days, especially when everyone else (ie. your friends with normal lives) seem to.

so although all the time off sounds ideal - and it is pretty great at first! - after a while, it starts getting both boring and lonely, and i don't like either of those scenarios. i don't like having to make an effort to find things to keep myself occupied. also, as i've mentioned before, i can easily be a triple-punch of lazy, unmotivated, and antisocial, which makes it a struggle to get out and beat the hell out of that loneliness. it's a process.

it's part of the reason why i'm back here writing, actually - i need something useful to do with my time in the afternoons. i'm a stupidly early riser, which means i tend to get everything done before noon, which...leaves the entire afternoon to myself. and you can only watch so much netflix. (plus i've read so, so many books.) i was complaining about this imbalance to my mother on new year's day, and said something like "i need to develop a hobby so i can get rid of this bored housewife syndrome." is it as easy as this? maybe!

anyway! i've got tons of stuff to catch up on, but i'm going to space it out between blog posts so i actually have more things to write about (hah). here's a shot of a sunset from when i was on the island at christmas.



p.s. i don't listen to new music really, because i'm typically very tired, but the mighty emigrate (aka the side project of rammstein's founder/lead guitarist) put out their third album back at the end of november and it was far and away my favourite release of the year. i've had the title track on repeat for ages now:



it is incredibly fucking good, the end. (also emigrate's songs are all in english, for those otherwise disinclined to listen to songs in german)

[ music | emigrate, "let's go" ]

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