Tuesday, October 9, 2018

girl's not grey

once again, it is my birthday today, and i wanted to do a quick sentimental post about something nice, namely: how grateful i am for the people who care about me.

here's the thing: i don't always have a lot of faith in people. maybe that makes me jaded and aloof sometimes, but on the flip side, it absolutely means that much more to me when people do follow through on what they say. people who say they care about me and are there for me when i need them - and who act on their promises - actually blow my mind a little bit, because i really never expect that much out of people, because i've been let down so many times that i just shrug and get used to it.

so it means a hell of a lot to me when those who care actually step up, and in the last twelve months, it's been insane to find how many genuinely good people are in my life. even my mother has commented, "you really have very good friends" and that's the long and short of it. this past year has been about realizing that i can trust people - certain people, anyway; it's always a learning process - to be there for me if and when i need them. and that in turn has definitely helped make me a better, more confident person.

adult friendships are something that can't be taken for granted; you still need each other, even with all the careers and the marriages and the kids and the mortgages. your friends are the people that make it all worthwhile. not to focus on the negative here, but there are always people who turn out to be selfish or flaky or just vampires that feed on your emotions and energy. the good thing about being an adult is that you can recognize who you fit with and who you don't, and you can more easily realize who's worth your time and attention.

and that works both ways! it's such a nice feeling when you realize that you are that to other people. it's rewarding as hell to know that you're valued by others. i know i probably sound like an alien here, but i didn't have a close-knit group of friends as a kid or a teenager, and i only really became a part of social groups in my twenties. even then, though, i was more ancillary; i was a friend that came along to things with other friends, the ones who were the nuclei of the social groups. so that is, i think, what the difference i'm feeling now is: for once, people want me around for me, not because i'm part and parcel with someone else.

so i've been thinking a lot on that lately, which is a good balance, because i'm also keeping in mind what i need to do for myself. because there's some stuff i need to separate from, and some things i need to re-prioritize, especially going into the next year. i need a clearer mind than the one i've been struggling with, and thankfully, my friends - the people that matter - have given me the stability to see things more clearly.

the one thought i kept coming back to the other week was: you shouldn't keep on being a supporting character and waiting around for things to happen to you. you should be out there being the main character of your own story.

and i'm aware that the only thing that's keeping me here right now is me. (you know i always need a reason to stay, because otherwise it's too easy for me to leave. and i spent so many sunny berlin mornings on the stadtbahn, leaning my head against the window, wondering what would ever be enough.)

so let's see what happens from here on, and we'll find out where my story is this time next year.

everything can change in an instant so trust your fucking heart.

[ music | eisbrecher, "verrückt" ]

Monday, October 1, 2018

autumn beds

october is finally here! and with it, oktoberfest:

i'd meant to go to the toronto celebration last year but didn't quite get around to it, so this year i made sure i was there, and thankfully emma had a spare ticket i could buy off her (the saturday-night ein prosit party was sold out). and honestly, for me, big dumb germany superfan, this festhalle party was tops. so many costumes! so much beer! (and yes, they had a traditional brass band playing polka.) did i have to stop myself from tacking on german words to my sentences because that's how my brain works now? sure.

caption says it all:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

(i do love me some spicy sausage, though, but someone really ought to have warned me that the hot mustard is no joke) the hot potato salad had a bit too many fennel seeds, but i will always scarf down so much german beige food. and i definitely got a laugenbretzel on the way out, although again, foiled by the incredibly hot mustard. 10/10 would still eat again.

i also had to take a photo of this backdrop for selfies, and man oh man did i cackle loudly:

rammstein has a song called "küss mich" and it's...sort of about kissing...but like...not where you'd think? uh, anyway.

so oktoberfest in toronto was a joy - you'd be surprised at how willing you are to dance at the front of the stage after three beers - and i lost track of how many times i gushed, "oh my god, this is adorable." i mean, i don't think i'd ever be taking the trip to munich for the real thing - munich's expensive, and oktoberfest there is overrun with tourists - but i would clearly go back to berlin for lichterfeste in october. it seems like a given that r+ is going out on tour next year, but on the off-chance that they don't, i'm definitely planning on making that trip. berlin in october, please yes.

prince's gate even reminds me of brandenburger tor, ugh my heart:

tangentially related: i'm currently obsessed with good german chocolate ritter sport. even more so if i can find one in its original german packaging.

but here and now, though, most people are focusing on the fact that it's a long weekend coming up; it's canadian thanksgiving this sunday, so everyone's getting time off and travel plans in place and so on. but me - and i think i mentioned this before, but whatever - i'm staying here in toronto, for what i'm pretty sure is my first-ever thanksgiving long weekend not spent in kingston. i'm serious - i thought on it, and i can't recall a single thanksgiving that i didn't go home for. thanksgiving's always been a part of it, but it's been more so because both my birthday (the 9th) and my father's birthday (the 11th) are around the holiday, so it's a "three birds with one stone" scenario.

this year, though, i dunno. i just don't really feel it. it's a lot of maneuvering and coordination to get me to and from the island where my mom and stepdad live, and i wouldn't even be there for very long, and it's too much money for me right now. also, my dad and stepmom are only just getting back from croatia & austria on the 6th, and they already told me that they're not planning on doing anything for thanksgiving sunday. so now hopefully i don't feel too bummed out to miss the family thanksgiving, and likewise my birthday, because left to my own devices i can't see myself actually doing anything on my birthday.

ooof, does that sound depressing? i hope it doesn't sound that depressing. i'm just one of those people who's never made that big of a deal of my own birthday, mostly because, as i noted above, i've always been home with my family on the actual day. and honestly, as you get older, it's not even that big a deal, you know? it's really what you make of it. if you want to declare a "birthday week" or whatever, fine, sure - then it's a deal. but if you're not that motivated to make it into a big goddamn day for yourself, then that's how it is. (i'm probably too jaded and burned from my youth and the majority of my friends flaking out from my birthday parties, come to think of it.)

so in reality, i'm likely going to spend my birthday doing very little, unless i decide to hit up the movies or grab a nice (yet cheap) lunch somewhere. i'm easy to please, and i like my own company. (also, straight up, i am poor, my guys. i don't have the cash to splash out on a day of good times for myself. at least i don't have - and have never had - expensive wants or needs.) but i can unequivocally say that a year ago, i didn't expect to be back here, sitting around my apartment in my pjs all day and searching for jobs to apply for. that's the thing about life, though - you gotta be ready to roll with the punches, whatever happens. dust yourself off and get back to it.

and with that, i'm continuing to get back to it. enjoy the first week of the best month!

[ music | afi, "girl's not grey" ]