Thursday, August 30, 2018

just leave it here

wow here's me very awake and alert:

(i'm always thankful that, even in photos where i look my age, i don't look as rundown or haggard as i think i will.) (my lipstick is my current favourite by the way - mac's dare you, which i got as a freebie on national lipstick day, hell yes to useful free things)

little bit of catch-up: hell yessssssssss wrestling good times.

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

(there's more photos on my insta, as always) this past sunday was smash wrestling's biggest show of the year, super showdown, and whew it definitely didn't disappoint. a packed house, a hot card, air conditioning and cold beer all add up to success, and it's always a good way to spend a sunday, even if i'm sadly going to miss the next show since i'll just be getting back from berlin :( but then this weekend is all in, and even though i did sell my ticket months ago (i hope the person who bought it has fun!), i'm still gonna tune in afterwards to catch the replay on new japan world. a decent way to spend this upcoming holiday weekend, especially if it continues to be a goddamn heat wave outside here in toronto.

it's perhaps notable that i removed most mentions of loving wrestling from my online dating profile, but kept the skeletor meme picture.

i'm going to be a good catch for somebody.

more recapping: the german meetup last week was great fun and good practice! i did feel a little out of place - i was quite a bit younger than a lot of the participants, plus i was new, plus my speaking skills were not as up to par as everyone else's - but i left feeling proud of the fact that i was able to understand about 98% of what everyone was saying. so sure, i wasn't able to contribute much, but my comprehension skills are far and away so much better than they've been, and i was just tickled by it. (i'm buying flake's second book when i get to berlin, so there's at least a chance i might be able to understand some of it. like, maybe.)

like i said before, though, now's the time for me to keep my nose to the grindstone and just lay low, save my money, save my energy. berlin will be here before i know it (i'll be there two weeks from today!!), and i want to save up all my good times for when they'll be extra worth it.

...unfortunately, i know me, and this kind of deprivation combined with boredom breeds a lot of dumb decisions that go against everything i say i'm gonna do. case in point: it's a very not-great time of year for the annual sephora 20% off everything sale; despite me saying i have to save my money, i already restocked on my expensive nars blush (my mental justification: one compact lasts me like two years! it's worth it!) and bought a travel pack of stuff i need for my trip. on that same note, despite me swearing up and down i'm gonna lay low, i've still been putting out feelers to see who's in town the next couple weekends and who wants to hang out. i am my own saboteur, always.

like, did i need this new eyeshadow palette (my seventh, for those keeping track at home)? no, no i did not.

but then there were all these pieces about how urban decay was discontinuing its uber-popular naked palette forever, and i didn't already own one (i have both naked smoky and naked heat though), and i somehow managed to justify it to myself despite the fact that the naked palettes are really built for those who know how to blend (i do not know how to blend), and by the time i found one at the nearby shoppers i was sold. i mean, it was $33, come on.

so if i can get past this dumb spending hump, i think i'll be golden. this is going to be good for me, getting away for a bit and doing something by myself, for myself and nobody else. it's a little adventure, and i get to do it solo, without anybody's approval for where i'm going or what i'm getting up to. it could be a good reset, and god knows i need to reset some shit in my life. there's just so much i really don't need.

that's all for now!

[ music | afi, "girl's not grey" ]

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

make this life liveable

because summertime is prime time to buy jackets i won't be able to wear for another like three months - i finally bought this beauty:

the fervent hope is that it'll be cool enough in berlin by mid-september that i can wear it there; i don't particularly want to be walking around in studded pleather in high heat, but holy shit, what a great look this would be if i can do it. extremely on-brand for me.

but in the just-in-time department: last week, i got an email invite to a duolingo event - a german conversations meetup tomorrow! apparently this is a monthly gathering that's been happening for years, only now duolingo's integrated it as one of its community events. i have no idea what it'll be like or what the demographic is, but it should be interesting nonetheless - and i really, really do need to work on having more confidence in my conversation skills. i'm afraid i'm gonna be so mute once i'm overseas. (fortunately, it was just reaffirmed that the fanclub meetup will primarily be in english, so i don't have to worry so much about being the odd girl out)

so! it's still been busy times over here, especially this past weekend:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

between a big bbq party at emma's on saturday and watching a wrestling ppv with the usual gang on sunday, i'm completely beat. add the fact that my apartment was suddenly without water on sunday and i was extra exhausted - had to haul laundry to the laundromat instead, had to shower at the gym after my workout so i needed to cart all my supplies there and back, had to go to the mall to use the washroom, et cetera. i mean, absolute first world problems (and i just had to shrug and deal with it), but still annoying on a day when i was already running around like crazy on very little sleep. i need to chill out.

so after the last manic couple of days, i'm really trying to stay on the down low; i need to just be a homebody hermit for a while, save my money and liver cells, and prepare for the next few weeks to go by swiftly and hopefully stress-free. my trip's gonna be here before i know it, and i want to at least be somewhat well-rested and ready to go.

all the same, i've been back doing a couple episodes of the big gold belt podcast here and there, and i just guested on top marks again last week. i just feel like it's a good idea to get my voice out there (both figuratively and literally), you know? even if i'm not entirely sure i've managed to break my habit of speaking too quickly, ugh. but still, cheap thrills that can be done from home.

oh, and one thing i forget to mention: last month i bought a fitbit!

but the reason behind this purchase is a story, my friends.

on a simple level, when i switched my ipods, i also lost out on the step counter that came built in to my newer model, and i'm kind of obsessive about tracking my daily steps. so, it was good timing to get one - a flex 2 - even though i'd always thought they were a bit dorky, oh well.

but the real reason is because i was beginning to be afraid that i sleepwalk.

it started with my makeup shelf falling off the wall in my bathroom in the middle of the night last month. i recently read a tumblr post that said something like "you don't know terror until a poster falls off your wall while you're asleep" and holy shit, is that ever the truth. i mean, i'm already really bad with sudden loud noises as it is, and something crashing down in my apartment while i'm dead asleep? fuck outta here with that.

so yeah, annoying and terrifying, but i reorganized my shelf and bought some new hooks and got it back up on the wall. four days later, it crashed down again, further fraying my nerves and my patience. i put it back up one more time, but i wasn't entirely sure it was stable, and that started to nag at me - i was legit lying in bed in fear that i'd be woken up by another massive crashing noise. it's not fun!

cut to the next evening - it was a saturday night, i came in drunk as hell from a wrestling show, and i distinctly remember thinking before going to bed: "should i shut my bedroom door so that if my bathroom shelf falls down again, the noise might not be so bad?" i immediately dismissed it, though, because i couldn't keep living in fear of some dumb sound that may or may not happen again.

so, i didn't close my door, went to bed, slept soundly, woke up in the morning, bedroom door was now closed.

the fuck.

barring a ghost, the only way the door could have been closed is if my drunk paranoid brain woke me up, walked me across the room while i was sleeping (because i absolutely do not recall doing this at all), shut the door, and got me back to bed.

...look, if you know me, you know this is exactly the kind of dumb thing that dumb hypochondriac me gets freaked out about. any amateur psychologist could tell you that i have a need to always be in control of myself and situations, and i've always, always been weirded out by sleep phenomenon - especially sleepwalking. it's not like i'd ever done it - none of my sleeping partners or roommates have ever told me i'd done anything weird - but just the idea that it could happen whenever was enough to scare me, especially since i live on the 18th floor of a high-rise and one of my "this would never happen but i'm scared of it anyway" scenarios is that i sleepwalk off the balcony.

and look! here we are, potentially sleepwalking! fuck me.

so anyway, thoroughly creeped out by my own damn self, i marched myself to the mall the very next day and bought the fitbit, reasoning that it would record that i was upright and "awake" if i did anything weird like that again. (it didn't help my anxiety that emma legitimately sleepwalks often, and she was counselling me to "install a chain lock" on my door so i don't wander out of my apartment, etc.) unfortunately, what i've found is that it does track "steps" during the night - but it's typically arm flails and similar motions. so, i frequently wake up in the morning to find that i've "walked" 20-40 steps while it otherwise says i'm asleep. but i mean, i kind of do trust that that's just arm motions - there's no alerts that i'm awake, and i'm pretty sure the analytics would say so.

like i said, it's been a month now since i've had this fitbit strapped to my wrist, and my panic period over being a possible sleepwalker has passed. i'm no longer worried about it; i think the mystery door-closing was a one-off occasion fueled by booze and loud-noise anxiety. i'm typically a very good sleeper, as the above chart demonstrates, and i'd like to think that i'd wake up if i moved out of the bed during sleep. the mysteries of the human brain and subconscious.

here's a relevant song to close out, and also, a banger:

[ music | rammstein, "nebel" ]

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

even if you're gone

whew! yes. thanks to those of you who read the previous blog post and are excited for me - i'm crazy excited for me, too. this whole going-to-berlin thing has been a dream for like a year and a half now, and now i've got the tickets to go. holy shit.

my parents were obviously not as thrilled; my father sounded apprehensive ("i'm going to worry about you the entire time you're there") while my mother just sounded bemused ("i thought your plan was to go next year?" i mean, i'm doing that too, i just didn't want next year to be my first time - i want the lay of the land first). but i mean, this is my life, and i'm a grown-ass adult who's seen so little of the world. i'm way overdue in getting out there and having some once-in-a-lifetime experiences.

though like i said, everything is coming together nicely (i'm way excited about my airbnb and how centrally located it is), i'm plotting out what parts of the city i'm gonna visit on which days, i've upped my daily german language lessons exponentially, and my bestie even offered to pay for my air canada lounge access on my outboard trip - which means unlimited free booze, snacks, and wifi, hell yes. there's the small chance i'll actually sleep on the plane if i'm tipsy enough, so i might try for it. (within reason, i know.)

but enough of that for now - what else has been going on in my life this summer? let's do a somewhat lengthy recap (there'll be a lot of multimedia embeds to break this up; even if i'm not blogging a lot i'm still and always very active on twitter and instagram):

i've watched a ton of wrestling!

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

i mean, what else is new? i'm never lying when i joke about how i only care about german metal and pro wrestling and nothing else.

aside from new japan's g1 tournament wrapping up after a month of wrecking my sleep schedule, i've had plenty of occasions to hang out with pals and watch wrestling, either on tv or in person. last month, i was lucky enough to get to go to both impact slammiversary and the following night of tv tapings, which was an unexpected blast. so many people and such great vibes, even if the venue (rebel) was in the middle of nowhere on the lower east side.

next up: nxt takeover/wwe summerslam ppv watching this saturday and sunday, followed by the next smash wrestling event on sunday the 26th. (yes, even with my clamped-down budget for my germany trip, i'm still making enough allowances to get me to my favourite wrestling promotion in the city)

i was barred from a concert!

okay look, i'm trying not to be too bitter about this because it was my dumb decision, but i really could have used the $80 i spent on that ticket that ended up being worthless, so: i had a ticket to go see afi and rise against a few weeks back, and i was super looking forward to it. i'd bought the ticket back in like, april, and my original plan was to go with bff jenna, who also loves both those bands. (i'd already seen afi at rockfest last year and adored them)

however, jenna had an emergency come up and had to cancel, so i figured i'd go it alone. unfortunately, i also figured i'd wear my spiked crown for the very punk occasion:

i'd worn it to rockfest and to a few wrestling shows, so it should be fine as an accessory, right? wrong, my friends. even though the spikes are blunt and clearly i'm not gonna be out in the pit headbutting anybody, security at the venue took one look at my head and told me i couldn't come in with it. "okay, what if i just wear it around my neck?" "no, it can't come in." *security points at garbage bin* and i mean, no fucking way was i going to trash my $65 spiked crown of awesomeness.

so i turned right around and went home. at least i bought myself ice cream to help myself feel a little better about missing out because of my idiot fashion pride.

i went to kingston / my stepbrother got married!

quick two-parter here: so it turns out that my stepbrother got engaged, like, a month ago, and they were going to get married in a casual island wedding on the august long weekend. it was a bit manic schedule-wise for me, since i would just be coming off of half a week of housesitting/catsitting for emma (who was in the uk for two weddings herself), but i couldn't not attend, so i forked over the money for a round-trip train ride back to kingston - my first time visiting since christmas.

and hey, it actually was...fine? it was a civic holiday long weekend here in canada, so pretty much everybody was out cottaging and drinking a shit ton and instagramming photos of their vacations out of town, and i was happy to join the masses for once. it was good to get face time with my family after so long, and i guess a break out of the big city is good for the soul. i guess. (i still don't like being stranded out on the island, though.)

also, you can't really fault the summer sunsets:

from there on, it was wedding time! the dress code for the sunday matrimonials was casual, which was fortunate for all of us given how stiflingly hot it was for an outdoor wedding, although i still had my outfit checked by my mother three times:

we all had to take shuttle boats out to the island where the wedding was taking place (yes, another island - this part of ontario isn't called the thousand islands for nothing), but once we were there it was smooth sailing - open bar, solid catering, and fantastic weather for the entire deal. also, you have to love a laid-back wedding with an early start, quick ceremony, and plenty of time to party afterwards.

yeah, so, clearly ya girl got too drunk and sent wayyyyy too many ill-advised text messages (hahahaha errrrrrr), but managed to peace out on the first shuttle back to the mainland at like 6 pm. had to save myself and my dignity. before my buzz wore off, though, i threw on my swimsuit and hopped on a pool float that my parents have anchored outside the dock, and somehow didn't manage to drop my phone in the st. lawrence river as i took selfies:

hot mess dork.

so the whole thing was mostly just a head trip for me, because my stepbrother is the first of us siblings (on my mom/stepdad's side anyway) to get married, and he's also someone i knew when he was like, eight years old. i remember him being a little kid, you know? and now he's all out here getting hitched, and also my stepsister (his older sister) just got engaged to her long-term boyfriend as well, and these life changes don't make me feel inadequate, not at all. (gahhhhhhhhh.)

which is a good segue into the next point:

me doing online dating is still a thing?

i took a break for a couple months but now i'm back in the game, bitches.

right now i'm being a dick and just window shopping, as it were - bookmarking the occasional guy i might be interested in (there's always possibilities; i'm not made of goddamn stone) and swiping through all the rest. no messages or right-swipes yet, though - like i said, window shopping. i'm not entirely sure i want to start opening any dialogues right now. (though at some point i'll likely get drunk one night and right-swipe on all my bookmarks just for the hell of it and see what happens) i mean, i definitely have some stuff i need to work through.

see, all the way back to my twenties, i've had the bad habit of going for guys that...don't really care all that much about me? or at the very least, throw me juuuuuust enough scraps of bare-minimum attention to keep me interested. (apparently there are terms for that: breadcrumbing, and to a lesser extent, benching) the problem is that i love a challenge, and trying to win over an ambivalent dude is exactly the kind of thing i'm into. i know! it sucks and i'm the worst.

but at a certain point - when you grow older, when you become a bit more jaded, when you smarten up - you realize how depressing and dumb it is to always be hanging after these "ehhhhh mayyyybe" guys, hoping they'll think you're worth it. i should be worth it. i should be looking for a guy who's super excited about getting to spend time with me. i'm legit not used to someone being excited about me, you guys. my bar for dudes is so fucking low, it's practically on the ground. but it doesn't change the fact that no matter what, there's always that one nagging truth in the back of my mind: if he's interested in you, you'll know it. if you have to speculate and guess and analyze everything, it's not it. you'll know. you shouldn't have to fucking guess.

so now it's back to the tale as old as time for many of us: trying to unlearn bad habits and realizing that i don't have to settle for less than i deserve (and maybe what i think i want has been the problem all along). and come on, i'm not some weird gargoyle - i don't think i'd be lacking dates out there. i just need to get out of this mental sinkhole.

anyway! to the logistics: i'm not sure how feasible it is for me to be dating right now finance-wise; i honestly have little to no wiggle room when it comes to extra spending between now and berlin. and sure, a lot of people will jump in here and point out that the guy will usually pay, but....i'm not like that? like, i don't expect that. so i always need to have at least some cash of my own to bring, and man oh man right now i certainly do not. we'll see how the next couple months shake out. maybe berlin will fix all my problems! ha ha ha.

it's too fucking hot outside!

i mean, it is.

that about covers it! see you here next time (sooner rather than later, i promise).

[ music | placebo, "post blue" ]

Monday, August 13, 2018

on the evening wind

hi! it's been a while, i know. it's been a busy summer, and i've got plenty to talk about for sure, but i'm back now because here's the biggest thing that's happening: i'm going to berlin. and it's happening in less than a month.

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

i'm sort of glad nobody on social media has asked why yet (other than dana, that is - hi dana!), because it's incredibly nerdy, but since this is my blog and i have zero shame, i'll put it out there right now: it's the annual rammstein fanclub meetup weekend in september. yuuuuuuup.

this one's mostly for the international fans - the german fans have a meetup every couple months - so that means there'll be plenty of english speakers, which is good for me and my stilted spoken german (i'm so nervous about trying to make friends, you guys), but the schedule of activities also looks like a goddamn blast. check it:

thursday - keyboardist flake is doing a reading from his new book
friday - beer garden meetup in the early evening, followed by a rammstein cover band show at a metal bar that's also displaying some of till's artwork
saturday - the official fanclub pre-opening of the rammstein retail store (discounts! one-off merch! props and costumes from the videos and stage shows on display!), then a tour of schloss schönhausen where the "du riechst so gut" video was filmed, then a band/berlin trivia night

sunday i head home, and thanks to the magic of time zones i'll be back in toronto at like 3 p.m. with the next day off work to recover. i'll probably be exhausted and slightly jetlagged, but i'm paying extra to fly direct just so it hopefully won't be that bad. that goes for wednesday, too; it's basically my only free day, and since i get in before noon, i'll have plenty of time to acclimatize, check in to my airbnb, and tour around the city on my own for a bit (and then sleep forever because fuck knows i won't have slept on the redeye flight over). honestly, i've wanted to go to berlin for over a year now, and i want to make the most of it when i'm not doing fanclub activities. (and by "make the most of it" i mean walk everywhere and eat so much currywurst. i'm on such a limited budget, i'll probably just survive on currywurst, doners, coffee and beer for the entire time i'm there. though, really, could be worse.)

anyway, this is a lot of firsts for me: the first time travelling to europe; first time being in germany; first time using airbnb (already booked and confirmed on alexanderplatz, right close to central!); first time going to a country that isn't english as a first language. so of course i'm a little bit nervous, especially because although i'm used to travelling solo, i don't travel a lot, and even then it's mostly to places i've been before. this is a brand new place and adventure!

like i said, though, suuuuper limited budget - i don't have a lot of money to spare otherwise, so i have to keep costs down. no touring big historical landmarks, trying not to take cabs (i'm already gonna be forking out 30 euros for the 7-day transit pass so i can take the s-bahn/u-bahn unlimited times), no big expensive dinners at fancy restaurants, et cetera. i've already laid out a budget spreadsheet and done as many calculations as i could - which includes projecting that i'm basically gonna live on rice cakes and vegetables for the next two months to make this work - and i've managed to make it doable. barely.

that said, i'm probably the most excited about visiting the rammsteinstore, and you just know i'm saving a large chunk of luggage space for the sheer amount of merch i'm gonna bring back. the announcement has promised that "you can score some great deals in the sale section. Pick up a T-shirt with a sample design on it, B items, and other special sale items!" and hot damn you know i want some sample one-offs. at this point i'm pretty sure my budgeted expenditure for rare weird merch is second only to my flight in terms of expenses.

also: i rankle at the idea of having to spend $60 to check my bag on the way back, but it may be the only way i get to own the band-branded alcohol (since it's obviously a liquid and i can't bring it in my carry-on). i mean, look at how cool the vodka is. look at it!!!

(they sell branded tequila too, but it's double the price of the vodka and i hate tequila anyway)

so along with finally getting to see berlin proper, it's important for me to just get some face time with the other fans, especially in advance of a potential tour next year. it's good to make in-person connections, and also holy shit i want to spend time with my people. here, i get looked at like i have two heads when i talk about how much i love this band; i want to be with other people who also love this band that much. and if you're going to a fanclub meetup, then yeah, it's a safe bet to say that you probably do. (i try to tell myself it's no less nerdy than attending a comic or anime convention, and there are tons of those happening all the time)

but it's a nerve-wracking thing, y'know, to show up in a different country by yourself to meet people you know tangentially from the internet and expect to be fast friends in person - especially if english isn't everyone's first language. so i'm just gonna have to put on my extrovert pants, drink a bunch of beer, and be as outgoing and fun as i can. sometimes that's a tough task for me, but it's a necessity here, unless i want to feel like the odd girl out at school again. and who knows, maybe my last year and a half of learning german will actually come through for me and give me just enough to keep up.

so: the countdown is on! just enough time for me to hyperventilate about spending 8 hours on a plane, twice.

[ music | afi, "i hope you suffer" ]