Tuesday, June 26, 2018

the old sorrow

it's time for a blast from the past!

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

backstory: last year, out of nowhere my dad asked me if i wanted an ipod. apparently he had one that he barely used, and he wanted it to go to a good home (and he knew i use an ipod nonstop daily - for real, i've never gotten into listening to music on my phone, it's my ipod when i'm on the go or nothing). i shrugged, assuming that he had maybe an ipod shuffle or something, and said sure, i could always use a backup.

what i got was a full 160-gb ipod classic, one of the original and best models that sell in the range of $200+ now, and it was in near-mint condition.

smash cut to now: my own ipod - a nano i got for christmas in 2015 - has been on its last legs since last year. remember the saga of me getting the fucking thing fixed? it never fully recovered, not even after spending a month in the shop to be repaired, and not even after i had to take it back the following week because the led faceplate had started to fall off. a real shoddy job, there. anyway, it's been holding on ever since - okay fine, it's been a year, i can finally admit that my ipod originally got fucked up because i was drunk and barfed on it - but the faceplate was still unstable and one of the panels on it was threatening to fall off all the way back in december (it's been scotch taped).

so here i am with a failing ipod nano and this stellar retro ipod classic in my possession, but i hadn't yet moved anything to the classic. i wasn't sure if i should attempt to sell it; i knew i could make some good cash. but finally, i realized that 1) i was too lazy and/or paranoid about trying to sell it to a stranger to even attempt it, and 2) i kind of....didn't want to? i mean, my dad gave it to me, for me to use. at the end of the day, i felt kind of squirmy and gross about selling this thing that was a gift, even if i knew my dad probably wouldn't mind.

anyway, all this led up to last week, when i just decided i'd rather put the thing to use instead of having it sit in a box with the intentions of one day selling it (though there was a 98% chance i never would). i factory-wiped it, installed the up-to-date software, and synced up my entire current music library (which still only filled, like, 1/100th of the ipod's space). so now it's my main listening device, even if i have to once again adapt to the fact that it's a little bit heavier and more bulky than i'm used to. (also, it doesn't fit in pockets as easily, sigh)

spending of music and nostalgia and #memories, i read this retrospective on warped tour 2005 last week and it got me right in my soul. if there's one thing i love, it's thinkpieces on time periods in music scenes that i've lived through, or at least can remember happening.

i'd tried to read meet me in the bathroom: rebirth of rock and roll in new york city 2001-2011, thinking i'd find something of my past in there, but i just couldn't relate. there was too much hopping between names and assumed familiarity with key players, and you really had to know the nyc scene inside out. i mean, i just liked interpol a lot, you know?

but that had been my goal for ages: get through university while building a freelance music journalism portfolio on the side, then go down to nyc after i graduated in 2006 to try and pitch for a music journalism job. clearly that didn't work out - and lol at my naive thinking it ever would - but a part of me has always kind of 1) longed for new york and the life i thought i'd have and 2) felt nostalgic for the nyc scene i missed out on, and had to try and take part in from a distance.

i digress - this wasn't the case with the pop-punk of the early-to-mid 00's. sure, i wasn't as in it as some people, but i had the tangential edges mostly through my love of kill hannah (one of the last of the trl-popular bands), and i knew all the big players because i was just starting out as a music journalist then. it was more the feel of that scene that i remember so well, and that piece from billboard really captured that moment in time. the early-to-mid 00's were a special time for popular music, and it totally felt like something unique was happening - even if its time was limited, it certainly didn't feel like that. in the moment, it felt like things would stay that way forever.

sometimes i think i have a problem when it comes to spatial awareness of time.

i'm not good at grasping the concept that things won't stay the same forever, and somehow it always comes as an unpleasant surprise to me when things change. so it's hard for me to explain the weird, empty sadness i feel at the knowledge that a time that i look back on with so much nostalgia will never come around again. there will never again be another time when mtv and muchmusic are huge, and music videos and magazines and myspace are tastemakers, and the internet seemed less vicious and cruel. there won't be another time like then, when i was still constantly daydreaming what my future would be, and when the world seemed less stressful and chaotic.

both professionally and personally, there's never any going back. and i've always found the concept of "never again" to be hard to reconcile with.

i guess a lot of that stuff is stories for another time, though.

[ music | rammstein, "feuer und wasser" ]

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