Monday, June 11, 2018

signs everywhere i look

and now it is june!

aaaaaaaaaaand i blew it:

uhhhhhh anybody want to drive to Quebec this weekend

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

see, i entered rockfest's obviously-named "last chance contest" on a whim last week, figuring that there's no way i would win because i never win anything. but lo and behold, i got the above email in my inbox yesterday morning, and clearly the wheels in my brain began turning, because it's me and because there's nothing i love more than a spontaneous adventure to go see some live music.

sadly, i think it's a pass for me. for one, i only won a pair of wristbands, which means i'd still have to fork over for last year's route of bus to ottawa, hostel reservations for 2-3 nights, shuttle bus to montebello, and beer. for two, uh, it starts this week. like, this thursday is the first day of the festival in montebello. it's not difficult for me to peace out of work two days early this week, but i would still feel like a dick about giving such short notice. (likewise, it's not like i don't have the money to do this, i just don't know if it'd actually be worth it. the rockfest experience is definitely worth it, but this year's lineup kind of isn't? sad but true)

emma suggested that if i wanted company, she and i could maybe just do saturday (she's locked in to work on friday), but the logistics of getting to and from montebello for a single day are both daunting and still costly. anyway, the story might be different if 1) i had another week's notice and 2) there were any bands in the lineup that i'd kill to see, but not this year. i'd much rather save my pennies for next year's festival mayhem (wacken open air is clearly a goal.)

also, on the topic of tickets: i'm not sure if i mentioned it previously, but i did have a ticket scored for the massive (and sold out) all in wrestling show in chicago on september 1st - yet a couple days ago i decided to try and sell it. combination of a lot of factors, among them: it'd be a big chicago trip and i don't think i really have the cash (i have to keep saving for europe next year); i could make some good coin by selling it; i'm not all that excited by the match card; and it turns out it's my mother and stepfather's joint retirement party in kingston the day beforehand. that last point was kind of the deciding factor for me, because you only retire once, and i probably should be a dutiful daughter and be there for it.

plus, i do have a certain goal for savings that i'm striving to hit this year, because i'm always keeping an eye on europe next year and it won't be a cheap trip. and right now, to say that i'm tracking behind on that goal is uhhhhhhhh an understatement? so it'll be good to know that i'm getting a tiny boost in september with the proceeds from selling my ticket (it went for triple what i paid for it). also, this is the truth:

sorry, america.

don't get me wrong, though - i feel sad to willingly miss out on any adventures, although i still do have many locked in. i hate to keep coming back to it, but this time last year i felt like i was on top of the goddamn world. i was 100% focused on rockfest coming up, i had so many amazing wrestling shows on the near horizon, and i didn't care at all about anything except for listening to as much rammstein as i could, learning german every spare second, and taking care of myself without worrying about what anyone else thought. it was incredibly freeing, is what i'm trying to say, and i sort of miss having that singular focus on just me and my life.

in the wake of my whole dating app adventure - which, by the way, i'm ending tomorrow, as my one-month paid subscription will either need to be continued or discontinued and i just don't care to keep going with it right now - i went back to my myers-briggs test results, and the thing about my intj personality that really hit true for me was this part:

The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.

and ooooh yeah, that's it right there. i know from lived-in experience that i attract more people when i'm not trying at all - when i'm not even thinking about it - but if i make the active effort, it never works. it really doesn't.

so with that in mind, i'm gonna peace out a bit on trying and just focus on myself instead. but this whole social experiment with online dating wasn't for a loss! a very important thing i learned - other than that i don't owe anyone anything - is that i don't have to do something if i don't want to. i don't have to reply to this person. i don't have to go on a date with this person. i don't have to do anything if i don't want to. if i want to just be the loner weirdo who stays single and watches rammstein dvds and goes to bed early, i can absolutely do that, and there's nothing wrong with it. it's my life, and i'm the only one who calls the shots.

as for the rest, i know that i do need to get stuff back on track. i need to take better care of myself, cut back on the drinking, get more sunshine and exercise, watch out for my finances, take on new work projects, and focus on just being happy and grateful for what i've got (ie. friends, family, job, apartment, health). it's a tall order to do all of that at once rather than in bits and pieces, but it's good, self-fulfilling motivation to get as much of it done as i can.

to sum up: i have a lot of shit that i still need to sort out, and i'm acutely aware that i have to do it by myself. time to get to work this summer.

talk to you later!

p.s. lastly, for posterity, because i like these tweets:

"rammstein: there's a surprise flamethrower" should be their motto.

[ music | emigrate, "rainbow" ]