Sunday, June 17, 2018

buying your freedom

hello from a very sunny and extraordinarily warm toronto!

(a bunch of girlfriends and i went to the rugby yesterday, because when it's hot as balls outside sometimes you need to go watch some sports and drink some cold beers together)

so montebello rockfest has come and gone this weekend, and i....was not there. like i said, even though i won the free passes, i was unable to find a way to make it happen. saddest. i just had to keep reminding myself that there's always next year, and hopefully i have a longer lead time to plan (and there's actually at least a few bands that i really want to see. but it was still a nostalgic bummer to see all the photos and stuff out of quebec this past weekend and know that i'd had tickets to go :( (also it would have been rad to just post "surprise i'm in montebello" with a photo on social media, sigh)

then again, i keep noting that my focus for next year is definitely drifting towards wacken open air:

i'm keeping my eye on the prize here: next summer i want to be standing in mud in a field in rural germany, chugging beers and throwing the devil horns. 2019 goals.

but in preparation for all this, i know that i have to go easy this year (yes, the entire year - next year's not going to be cheap), and maybe even be a boring homebody as i save my pennies. i mean, it's tough because i always see friends doing fun stuff like travelling a lot, getting tattoos all the time, having pets, paying for transit that's not public (or, err, on foot), and spending plenty of nights out - and like, i'd love to do all of that! i wish i could get out of town more often and add to my ink collection and have more nights out with my friends without worrying about money. (also, my sephora wish list is consistently a mile long.)

but here's the thing that i always keep in mind: the majority of my earnings goes towards my apartment. i rent a junior one-bedroom, and it's not cheap, but i've been in the same place since 2012 and my rent is actually...not expensive compared to the rest of toronto? (though i have seen what they charge new tenants for a similar unit, and it's significantly higher than what i pay now. mwahaha) this city is becoming infamous for high apartment rental costs, and even though mine's doable, it's still the biggest chunk of my paycheque. but it is so worth it:

i try not to torture myself by thinking how much money i could be saving if i split the unit with somebody, because the only way that would happen is if i had a boyfriend ready to move in, and 1) nobody even close to being my boyfriend right now, lol and 2) i feel like cohabitation right away is always asking for trouble. plus, i like my place. i like my space. roommates are a no go for me; i've done it and i'm not a fan.

so any time i feel sad or envious that i have to stay on budget and can't live a big lifestyle, i remind myself that i'm paying for my freedom. it's my actual #1 priority. i have a nice little apartment all to myself, and that's worth it to me. i have a great job and i get paid very well, but other than paying for my apartment, i also have to pay down the debt i accrued while freelancing and put a significant portion in my savings account for next year. so, it's a lot.

i do have a certain savings goal i want to hit by october, because for one october's my birthday (so it's a good time marker), and for two i really suspect the new rammstein album will drop this fall. (if not this fall, then i'd bet it drops next spring in time to tour the summer festival circuit.) they're done in the studio so it's likely the new album's in the can, and i seem to recall flake saying something about it maybe being released this fall, which is gonna be huge. huge! first new rammstein album in nine years! gahhhhhh

...then again, i also half-expect my good german dads will just announce the new album and a new tour with no forewarning, and i need to have some money saved up because wherever the first date of the next tour is, i'm going to be there. full stop. germany? france? spain? sure, i'm there. so, i have to be ready to go at the drop of a hat, basically.

so yeah, no animosity at all towards people who use their money for fun-time things while i skimp and save - we all choose what we want to prioritize and put our money towards, and for me, it's 1) my apartment and 2) paying off my debts and building up enough savings that i can run around europe after rammstein on tour next (this?) year. gotta keep my eye on the prize. i'll have my day in the sun soon enough.

in the meantime, here's me from yesterday. li'l narcissist.

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

have a good week!

[ music | rammstein, "wollt ihr das bett in flammen sehen?" ]