Sunday, May 27, 2018

even the stars are ill at ease

hi friends! welcome to the almost-end of may, aka the time of year when my facial complexion goes from "good" to "might be a meth addict". blech. (the combination of heat, sweat and monthly hormone cycles is going to be the end of me, every year.)

at least the city looks nice while i'm walking around feeling like some kind of golem:

trinity bellwoods, you have my summertime heart. well, me and every other goddamn hipster within city limits, anyway.

so in advance of a wacky week coming up - i have things to do after work every single day; i brought this on myself, truly (plus i'm housesitting/catsitting again from tomorrow through to wednesday) - i've been determined to have a solid weekend on my own, even if it's not a long weekend like our neighbours to the south. so far i've run errands, i've relaxed on my balcony, i've worked through the current book i'm reading, i've done a shit ton of german lessons, i've painted my nails, i've hit the gym, i've watched some rammstein concerts, i've gone for some long walks, and i'm off a bit later to get groceries and put in my advance vote in the ontario election. legit the chillest weekend. (yeah, for me the definition of "chill" is "to be busy and productive in as self-fulfilling a manner as possible")

but hey, i've been burying the lede, haven't i? okay, so here's the part you've all clicked for: me, dating. woooooo! argh.

a current selfie from my dating profile. the giant sunglasses come with the girl.

i mentioned it on twitter, but i'm not going to blog or tweet publicly about my dating adventures, for two reasons: one, i believe that some things should still be kept private (or between me and my friends); two, i'd be absolutely fucking mortified if the situation was reversed. like, if i went on a date with a dude and later found that he'd tweeted or blogged about it - favourably or not - i'd be freaked out. so, not doing that, sorry.

however! i can definitely talk about me and how i feel about the process.

i'm envious of people who talk about dating like it's no big deal. i have girlfriends who actively go out on multiple dates with multiple guys every week, and i wish i could be casual about it. i don't have the capacity or capability to just date around and have fun and not get attached and not take it so seriously. i just don't want to give myself away too freely or too easily. it has to be somebody i think is worth it.

also, it helps that i don't need somebody else in my life. (i've said it before but i'll keep reiterating it until people believe me.) for me, it's completely circumstantial. if i like somebody, cool; if i don't, i don't, and that's fine too. i've always said that for me, a relationship and/or dating situation is a nice-to-have, not a need-to-have.

but for now, i'm sticking with trying it out anyway - just to see what's out there - because everything else aside i'm finding it to be a good social exercise for me on a lot of fronts. you know how sometimes you really don't want to do something but you kind of need to, so then you do it, and you have to sit with it and learn how to be comfortable with it even through the flight response? that's me right now, learning to be comfortable with dating.

plus the thing is - and i swear i won't try to make this sound too pathetic - i wasn't super desirable when i was a teenager, which led my dumb brain to warp itself into thinking that "i should be thankful and grateful for any attention i get!" which meant that for years and years, i would be paralyzed when it came to turning guys down. even the thought of having to reject potential affection brought on serious anxiety for me (and still does, if i'm being honest). but this? this is good for me, because it shows that for one, there's plenty of potential guys out there, and for two, i can say no if i'm not into it. (i mean, i do try to keep my humanity and remember that there's someone else on the other side of the screen. although i have definitely unmatched with guys if i'm not into the conversation or if it doesn't seem like it's going anywhere.)

i mean, i've been using an online dating app for just about two weeks and i'm closing in on 2,000 likes. that's actually...a bit insane to me. sure, most guys just swipe left on pretty much any girl - cast that wide net, boys - but people aren't wrong when they say that dating apps are an ego boost. so, sure. however, it doesn't mean that i have to like anybody. (and i rarely do. i'm just window-shopping, i guess. i kind of feel like when i come across somebody that clicks for me, i'll know it.)

but that's going to be how things go for a while. i'm not sure what's going to happen with any of this, but i'm trying to just enjoy the ride (and maybe even have fun while i'm at it? gasp, shock). and like i said to my mother the other day, "i really think something's going to happen - like, maybe not right away, but i feel like something will happen soon." yeah, we'll see. june's almost here, after all.

in the meantime: solo life, it is good.

have the best sunday!

[ music | rammstein, "haifisch" ]


Anonymous said...

Always stick with quality over friends who dated multiple people on multiple days in the week seemed kind of fake or dishonest maybe.