Thursday, April 19, 2018

always keep you running

well, yeah:

....i think she means, why don't i ever buy nice clothes - this is a woman who routinely gifts me cardigans and blouses for christmas - but at least i buy what i like. (and i'll probably dress like i'm in my early 20's forever, the end.) the last two things on my list are leather leggings and that amazing pleather punk jacket, but i'm trying to hold off. i already have this one, after all:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

budgeting has...never been my strong suit? like, i'm pretty obsessed with financials and making sure i have enough in the bank to keep me afloat in case of emergency, but sooner or later too much deprivation leads me to break down and go overboard. now that i've got my debt from the last year paid off, my brain has been all like "now you can go in on your 'i want this' list!" - hence, the tweet above. but i always hear my mother's voice warning me not to spend money i don't have yet, and i do know how quickly fortunes can turn, so. it's an internal struggle with me, always.

but i mean, there is just so much awesome wrestling coming up that i need to budget for: watching the greatest royal rumble with friends next friday (nothing like getting day drunk and watching wrestling, y'know), destiny wrestling on the 29th, and then ring of honor here in toronto on may 11th. just too much to look forward to, my dudes.

in the meantime, i need to probably do a better job of taking care of myself? i've mentioned it before, but the spring ennui tends to hit me hard - most people get seasonal affective disorder in the winter, i get it in the warmer months - and it can be a goddamn task to make regular routine stuff like exercise, nutrition, decent sleeping hours, and exposure to sunlight a priority. it becomes way too easy for me to just barricade myself at home with wine and movies and books. (it's even worse that i downloaded a second german-language app, so now i can spend even more hours smashing away at language lessons. at least it's educational)

and i love where i live, btw:

(this is year 6! perhaps this summer will finally be the one i invest in a goddamn air conditioner, because my 18th-floor apartment becomes the seventh circle of hell when the heat arrives)

sure, none of this sounds like a jail sentence or anything, but it's easy for my brain to loop into shaming me for not sticking with routine and buckling under the weight of my bullshit instead. the internal shame cycle is so real and it really fucking sucks and i don't have this problem in the fall/winter, somehow?

fortunately, i do have good friends that get me to clean myself up and come out, if only for a little while. it does me good, i know. the motivation's just gotta be there, is all, and it can sometimes be a struggle for me. if it's tough for you to be cheerful and excited at the sight of spring/summer on the horizon, you're not alone, i promise!

oh, and something music-related to look forward to in said warmer months, at least: i got a ticket to see rise against, afi and anti-flag in july. hell yes gimme that punk rock good times. (i mean, if i can't go to wacken open air this year....)

in sum total: change of season and i think i need to make some changes. we'll see.

[ music | rammstein, "schwarzes glas" ]