Monday, April 23, 2018

nothing left to owe

whew, hello from under my mountain of "your package has shipped" notifications. (what can i say, i wanted to knock even more things off my "you should get this!" list before i smarten up, as my father would say.)

at least this sweatshirt was incredibly worthwhile:

casual / lazy / tired girl #latergram #ootd

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

newwwwwwwwww favouriiiiiiiiiiiite. (nothing says "work appropriate" like pictures of a dove getting beheaded, roses dripping blood, and german lyrics from a song about dick cannibalism. ahoi.)

and now: adulting! friends, adulting is a pain. there's always a few times in the year when i have to get off my ass and take care of a bunch of stuff that i've let pile up, whether it's financials or repairs or chores or what have you. on that last point, something i've always accepted is that when you live alone, the tradeoff to all this personal space to yourself is that you are solely responsible for your shit. so sure, it's a mess, but it's a mess of my own making and i have to take care of it myself. (...which also works as a good life lesson, come to think of it.)

so throughout this weekend, i tackled the following:

- cleaned my windows
- did my taxes (ugh nooooooooooo)
- did laundry/hand-washed a bunch of delicates
- dusted/vacuumed
- cleaned my bathroom
- tightened the buttons on my spring coats
- organized my makeup bags and cleaned my brushes
- went through my closets and dumped a bunch of rarely-worn clothes for donation

what can i say, it had definitely piled up and it needed to be done. to quote a late great tag team (r.i.p. the friendship between johnny and tommaso), nobody will do it for you.

but given that it was a gorgeous weekend here in the city, i still made time for the little things, like good coffee and pizza with one of my best friends:

emma actually the best.

i made a comment on twitter last week about how in 2018 so far, i've pretty much only taken days off to watch wrestling with friends, and i think that's a fairly accurate statement. i'm now doubling up friday's greatest royal rumble viewing with a showing of avengers: infinity war in the late afternoon (though i think i'll have to leave before the end of the rumble, sigh), and then there's this amazingness to see on sunday:

ALSO: next Sunday gonna be rad. (Trent Seven, Tyler Bate and Deonna Purrazzo, too!)

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

hnnnnnnnnnnnngh what a card. pity it's in the furthest reaches of mississauga, but that's what splitting an uber with friends is for.

finally, shoutouts to two books i've been reading recently for sunny balcony days: the incomparable circe, which hit all my excitement buttons because of how steeped my childhood was in greek mythology (no joke, i had one of my old, dog-eared reference books open next to me as i read the entirety of circe in a day); and the devil in the white city, which i've read twice before but have just started on my third read, and man. i'm not much for true crime nonfiction but the historical details are incredible in this one. (also, you know what chicago means to ya girl.)

it's a short week for me, but it feels like it's going to be a long one, so i better get to it.

oh, and one last thing. (if you're even reading, i hope you don't mind i bring this up briefly; it's the first and last time, i swear, then i'm done)

i went back and looked at what i wrote to wrap up 2017 and my 2018 goals, and what i wrote at the end, how i need to remember that "when someone tells you who they are, believe them."

...and it's just, i'm sorry that you told me so many times and i didn't want to believe you. maybe next time i'll finally learn. at least, i hope i do.

(i need to make this so much more than just a year of doing brave, heartbreaking things.)

[ music | emigrate, "born on my own" ]

Thursday, April 19, 2018

always keep you running

well, yeah:

....i think she means, why don't i ever buy nice clothes - this is a woman who routinely gifts me cardigans and blouses for christmas - but at least i buy what i like. (and i'll probably dress like i'm in my early 20's forever, the end.) the last two things on my list are leather leggings and that amazing pleather punk jacket, but i'm trying to hold off. i already have this one, after all:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

budgeting has...never been my strong suit? like, i'm pretty obsessed with financials and making sure i have enough in the bank to keep me afloat in case of emergency, but sooner or later too much deprivation leads me to break down and go overboard. now that i've got my debt from the last year paid off, my brain has been all like "now you can go in on your 'i want this' list!" - hence, the tweet above. but i always hear my mother's voice warning me not to spend money i don't have yet, and i do know how quickly fortunes can turn, so. it's an internal struggle with me, always.

but i mean, there is just so much awesome wrestling coming up that i need to budget for: watching the greatest royal rumble with friends next friday (nothing like getting day drunk and watching wrestling, y'know), destiny wrestling on the 29th, and then ring of honor here in toronto on may 11th. just too much to look forward to, my dudes.

in the meantime, i need to probably do a better job of taking care of myself? i've mentioned it before, but the spring ennui tends to hit me hard - most people get seasonal affective disorder in the winter, i get it in the warmer months - and it can be a goddamn task to make regular routine stuff like exercise, nutrition, decent sleeping hours, and exposure to sunlight a priority. it becomes way too easy for me to just barricade myself at home with wine and movies and books. (it's even worse that i downloaded a second german-language app, so now i can spend even more hours smashing away at language lessons. at least it's educational)

and i love where i live, btw:

(this is year 6! perhaps this summer will finally be the one i invest in a goddamn air conditioner, because my 18th-floor apartment becomes the seventh circle of hell when the heat arrives)

sure, none of this sounds like a jail sentence or anything, but it's easy for my brain to loop into shaming me for not sticking with routine and buckling under the weight of my bullshit instead. the internal shame cycle is so real and it really fucking sucks and i don't have this problem in the fall/winter, somehow?

fortunately, i do have good friends that get me to clean myself up and come out, if only for a little while. it does me good, i know. the motivation's just gotta be there, is all, and it can sometimes be a struggle for me. if it's tough for you to be cheerful and excited at the sight of spring/summer on the horizon, you're not alone, i promise!

oh, and something music-related to look forward to in said warmer months, at least: i got a ticket to see rise against, afi and anti-flag in july. hell yes gimme that punk rock good times. (i mean, if i can't go to wacken open air this year....)

in sum total: change of season and i think i need to make some changes. we'll see.

[ music | rammstein, "schwarzes glas" ]

Friday, April 13, 2018

from the hands of heaven

hello from me and my seasonal coat bullshit:

(you're not seeing double - it's the same coat, just made out of a different brocade. i like the black velvet one a bit more, but the textured second coat is slightly more all-purpose, so they both get a lot of usage at this time of year. they're not warm, but holy shit are they fun to wear. goth queen of toronto right here)

it's always a little busy around here, i suppose, and i've been mightily preoccupied these last few weeks, but it is what it is. last weekend was wrestling christmas - aka wrestlemania weekend, plus nxt takeover, plus supercard of honor, plus a hundred other indy shows in new orleans - so clearly i was barely sleeping and filling my eyeballs with hot graps action. this weekend there actually is a show here - smash wrestling's it's all fun and games - so that's my sunday taken care of, and saturday i've got a bunch of other plans, so! i'll sleep when i'm dead, i guess. maybe then my liver will actually recover, too.

but hey, life stuff is very fun and greatly entertaining otherwise, i swear it is. i'm continually a little bummed that the cold weather seems to be going away, but i guess maybe i'm ready for spring? at least it's going to give me an excuse to finally buy this jacket:

(spoiler alert: since i just freed myself of my longstanding debt, my inbox has been full of online orders i've been making as i now have money. en route are this dalton t-shirt and these elite leggings, so far.)

i'm still dealing with the seasonal wanderlust, though. this comes up with me badly in the early springtime, and it especially gets me if i don't have any big plans on the horizon to look forward to. i keep feeling the urge to just buy a bus ticket or a plane ticket and get the hell out of here for a while, you know? just, do something crazy and interesting for once. with me there's forever the need to not feel constrained or stuck in one part of my life, and running off somewhere unexpected always tends to be my fallback plan. again, my above addiction to jackets and makeup rather than saving money for travel could be a problem here, so we'll see where i end up this year.

and because i keep talking about disappearing to berlin and refusing to return:

by the grace of my new iphone 8, i have enough room for plenty of apps, so i went ham on the language stuff. it's not gonna surprise anybody that i spent a lot of my evenings crushing as many levels/exercises in duolingo and memrise as i can, right? (i think i've written about it before, but it really does feel good to do something learning-related for me and me alone. it's a nice little thing i can be proud of, especially given how fickle i am when it comes to committing to classes or courses.)

in other/semi-related news, i took the plunge into rammstein's side projects and i'm actually mad about how good richard's is:

shit yeah, emigrate is my new obsession. our one true vampire lord rzk forever. (honestly, it makes me all emotional with pride at the fact that he's fluent in english now, because there's a part in the in amerika documentary where he talks about how he couldn't speak any english at all on rammstein's first american tour in 1998, and it left him really depressed and alienated. but now! our dual-language king!)

and then there are some days when everything is a weird stressful rollercoaster but you go to the used record store downstairs from your office and find a copy of rammstein - lichtspielhaus, one of the only r+ dvds you don't already own, for $10, and things are great again. some things don't really change. (i now own 5 of their 6 dvds, and the remaining one is just a compilation of their music videos and making-ofs that you can find on youtube so i'm not that concerned) (wait let's be real, i'll probably buy the 6th dvd eventually)

coming up: writing this weekend, reading a couple new books, spring cleaning bullshit, friend hangs and dinner dates, too much daydreaming, new moon on sunday, go go go.

and you! be good.

[ music | emigrate, "my pleasure" ]