Wednesday, March 28, 2018

memories we share

here's the good stuff!

what i've been working on paying off was my income tax debt from my years of freelancing, and it was uhhhhhh, not an unsubstantial amount? like, deducting a portion of my earnings every month was actually keeping me from doing a lot of things with that money - opening a proper savings account, changing my home data plan, paying off my other crushing debt (credit card), living on more than just rice cakes and yogurt, and so on. but as of april, i'll finally be done with it, and can move on to redistributing that earmarked amount towards more fun/useful things! (i have a ridiculous "need to buy" list that i swear isn't just band merch and wrestling t-shirts.)

speaking of said things, i couldn't wait:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

look, i've been using an iphone 5s (i know, i know) for the last 3-4 years, and i was definitely due for an upgrade. my poor phone was started to fall apart - for real, the faceplate was beginning to bend and fall off - plus its response rate was slowing down and it was just becoming really hard to use. so as much as i loved and cherished my 5s, today i went all the way up to an iphone 8. (my techhead stepdad tried to convince me to splurge on an iphone x, but i'm not rich.) i have to set everything up tonight, but then i'll have a new toy to play around with (and i never make big new tech purchases for myself, so this is an exciting thing).

anyway, it's all very boring. i'm very boring. i mentioned the other day that now in my 30s, i've cultivated an honest interest in shit like real estate listings and art galleries, and i'm not even joking. but whatever, you can't stop the passage of time, and growth and change are good things anyway.

even if the selfie life is nonstop:

another dumb adulting thing i've been proud of lately: keeping up with all my friends. i mean, i'm pretty introverted; many nights of the week (and also numerous weekends), i just want to go home and watch r+ dvds and drink some wine and sleep. sometimes it's a real, honest-to-god struggle for me to make (and follow through on) social plans. but lately i've been setting up more hangs and getting myself out more, and although i usually have to check in on myself a lot - am i tired? am i bored? do i want to go home? - it's a workable system. and as i said, it's pretty key to keeping up with friendships as well as meeting new people.

i approach friendship much the same way as i approach guys i'm interested in; either it clicks or it doesn't. in both cases, i don't have a quantifiable answer about why or how the connection works for me - i just know when it does. and, in both cases, there's no gray area with me - either you're someone i consider a valued friend (or someone i'm definitely crushing on), or you're not. simple as. i try not to waste my time and energy on gray areas, and you shouldn't either. life's too short, et cetera.

so what i'm getting at is, if you're one of my friends, you're someone i'm 1000% ride or die with. and that's not a lot of people! as i was saying to one of my oldest friends, "once you get into your thirties, you start trimming down your friend group to who really matters." we're all so busy with our own lives that you have to figure out who actually counts, and who you actually want to spend time with and make room for in your life. the ones who are rude or inconsiderate or just flaky people prove themselves to be such eventually.

and over the last couple of months, while i haven't cut anybody out, it's more that i'm realizing what a solid group of pals i've got. although i don't run with a big social group like i did in my twenties, the little clusters of friends here and there feel far more valuable to me right now. between my coupled-up friends and my ladyfriends especially, it's really comforting and comfortable to know that i have people who've got my back.

i'm mushy today. emotions! gross.

lastly: 1997. bless them. (you know i exclaimed "oh fuuuuuuuuuuuck" when the flamethrower came out.)

[ music | rammstein, "schwarzes glas" ]

Monday, March 19, 2018

a shot in the dark

back from catsitting adventures!

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

i mean, they're not exactly adventures per se; she's a weird little thing, but she's very well-behaved. i mean, except for the fact that she absolutely stank out the apartment so badly yesterday that i had to leave, but hey. at the very least, emma owns the comfiest duvet ever, and i was able to catch up on being the elite and roh tv, so it was an incredibly chill weekend away from my own apartment. (next weekend i'm having sushi and a rammstein dvd marathon with jenna and then possibly heading to smash on sunday, so it was nice to have a relaxing weekend of nothing in advance of a busy weekend of everything)

in other news, i'm doing it, i'm really doing it: i'm going to be taking intensive german classes at the goethe-institut, basically the gold standard for german learning in toronto.

i did the placement test, i spoke with the instructor, and i've more or less figured out where i'm supposed to start (basically "advanced beginner"). i've gone as far as i can with daily duolingo practice, you know? i have a solid foundation, but now i need to build on it. i need to start focusing on the areas that i have to improve on - conversation, basically, and gaining more confidence - and not resting on my laurels. i really think i've got something here, and i want to keep moving upwards. as i said on twitter, i need to start investing more in myself and believing in my weird buried potentials.

dear 19-year-old caitlin taking german 100 in her first year of university: i wish you'd studied so much harder, you dummkopf.

also, i need to have more stuff to look forward to this year. i know it's only march and there's still plenty of time to make fun plans, but i keep remembering how around this time last year was when i got my rockfest tickets, and how that (plus many good wrestling shows on the horizon) kept me going for like, months.

sure, i've got ring of honor coming up in may as well as the usual smash wrestling shows and ppv hangs with my friends, but i feel like i need something more to look forward to. the plan for the 2018 holiday season is still europe with berlin/hamburg/tuscany, but that's so many months away. i've been looking at the summer music festivals to see if i can replicate the good times of last year, but there isn't any single band that i really need to see right now.

so yeah, i dunno. it's this wanderlust and dissatisfaction and wondering if i need to change one thing or change everything. i keep feeling like i should be somewhere else, because what's keeping me here, really? and this kind of sums up all my fears:

it's the number-one thing that keeps me up at night: i'm wasting so much time. what should i even be doing with my life? like, it was an easy thing to fuck off and do whatever and try all the things when i was in my twenties. but now that i'm in my thirties, it becomes more and more terrifying to realize how much of my life has already passed by, which is grim as hell but what else am i thinking about at 2 a.m.?

like, lately i've been fixating on the fact that i was fifteen 20 years ago. 20 goddamn years! i still vividly remember being fifteen years old, and the fact that 20 years have passed since then is absolutely insane. it was when i was 15-16 that i first got into pro wrestling and rammstein, currently my two biggest loves, and i mean, holy shit that was a long time ago now. but i can look back on those years and have a lot of nostalgia for how i was becoming aware of how much time i had, and how many possibilities there were.

but now, i'm really trying to make the time mean something. i read somewhere that you process the passage of time differently as you get older - which is why summers felt like they lasted forever when you were a kid - and so i'm working on not freaking myself out with worrying about whether or not i'm "falling behind." it's just that i don't want to look back and realize i've wasted time that i could have used bettering myself, or working on my ambitions, or something.

anyway. onwards and upwards, always.

[ music | the kills, "doing it to death" ]

Monday, March 12, 2018

live through this

heyyyyyyy, so, remember how last time i blogged about how i'd been sick? it, uh, got way worse. worse to the point that i nearly ended up in the hospital last week. it's not fun when you feel like you can't breathe without wheezing and coughing while doubling over.

but lo, modern medicine is a blessing, and i got put on a run of antibiotics for all last week (i was lucky enough to get a very last-minute appointment with my doctor, who declared it "might be influenza" but loaded me up with prescriptions anyway). still, i basically quarantined myself at home for the majority of the week with plenty of cough medicine and chicken broth as i attempted to fend off death. really, i get sick so rarely these days that i don't have much of a barometer for how terrible i'm supposed to feel, therefore i was probably unreasonably nervous for how severe it was. blech.

it also brought up another thing that i hate admitting: it's such a bummer to be alone/single when you're sick. i'm very self-sufficient - in fact, i had some lovely friends offering to bring me stuff if i needed it, but i prefer to suffer in solitude - but there's just something so pathetically isolating about being by yourself when you feel like trash. it hearkens back to when you were a kid and just wanting your mom to take care of you. but now you're an adult and you're single and there's nobody to check in on you and like, make sure you're not dead. so i mean, as much as i don't get all mopey about being unattached usually, being sick is one of those situations where it'd be useful to have somebody around. like when you need a +1 for a wedding or a christmas party or something.

also, it's a real drag to not be able to drink alcohol for a whole week. (i'd already had half a bottle of red open, so i opted to freeze it for later use in a stew or something. waste not, want not)

still, i managed to pull myself through with so many cups of tea, movies, video games, ice cream, feverish naps, thankful little distractions, and music. i survive. i'm a tough brat.

on the plus side, i got my wing dress the same day as i got my antibiotics, so it was a good day:

it's, um...."flimsy" is a good word, as well as "borderline indecent", but i've worn things that short before, so. and i think it'll hold up fine, especially now that i've given it a good ironing and reinforced all the stitches and seams. (i received a very comprehensive sewing kit from my mother for christmas a couple years ago, and it's come in handy for so many small fixes.)

but looooooooooooooooooook my tattoo is right there and i love it. (i can't really understate the fact that there are so, so many of us who've gotten the band's logo tattooed. i'm not even a rarity. it's like a rite of passage at this point.)

so anyway, this whole week is gonna be devoted to catching up on everything i pushed off while i tried desperately to recover. that means i've got a bunch of social good times planned - bar nights and lunches and dinners and long-awaited catch-up/hangout sessions - as well as moving fast to get back up to speed with my workload. i should note that fortunately i am feeling a lot better - the cough is still hanging around, but not as persistent, and at least the exhaustion/fever/migraine/wooziness is gone - so it's not like this is too much of a hardship. it's just the whole getting back in the swing of things that can be tricky.

however: i'm back housesitting/catsitting this weekend!

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

emma's out of town again to see family, so i'm crashing in her little apartment and looking after her tiny panther from friday til sunday. only a few days away from my own place, so that's not too tough. also, maybe taking care of a black cat on st. patrick's day will bring me luck. could always use more.

that's all for now! happy happy mid-march.

[ music | ladytron, "destroy everything u touch" ]

Thursday, March 1, 2018

between two lungs

me, as of late: i've been so good at saving money and not going over budget!!!!

also me: okay, but in the last two weeks you've bought half-pleather leggings

a new lip gloss that i really didn't need but wanted real bad

a golden lovers t-shirt (yes!)

and a truly ridiculous angel-wing minidress

so maybe i am.....not that good at this saving-money thing? oh well, buying little things for myself makes me happy.

and happiness has definitely been needed lately, as ya girl has been battling a truly shitty illness - the dreaded chest cold, complete with crushing lung pain and a throat that feels like it's being stabbed with hot knives. (also, a hacking cough that makes me feel like i'm going to pass out.) i'm fortunately on the upswing right now, but the last couple of days have been roughhhhhhhh. because i get sick so rarely, i don't really have a barometer for how i'm supposed to feel, if that makes sense. so i'm not entirely sure if this feels "normal" for a chest cold, or if i should be getting antibiotics, or if i should be going to the hospital. clearly, this is how i die.

like i said, i'm actually a bit better today, although my voice is still fucked and that dry cough is still lingering, but we'll see how it goes. great start to march, i guess.

february was...good? i mean, always thank god for the short months, but i managed to pack a ton of friend time and fun hangs in those 28 days, and it was a worthwhile time for me. now i'm busy planning lunch dates and dinner dates and the ubiquitous so much wrestling, as well as stuff to just get me out of the house. i typically hate march and its sludgy brown pre-spring bullshit, but i try to make the most of it.

but look, i've been feeling super off lately, and i'm not sure how to write about it. one thing i know, thankfully, is that this is a weird ~mood~ that hits me a couple times a year, usually a change of season thing, so i know it's only temporary ennui. but it's a culmination of so much garbage that my brain pumps out: crippling self-doubt, lack of self-esteem, paranoia that maybe i don't have any friends after all!!!, hating my face in general, and a ton of other dumb lies and over-analyzing situations to death.

and so i sit here going over feedback loops in my head, trying to figure out if there's anything i can do to fix things or snap myself out of this bullshit, but generally that makes it worse. from past experiences, i know i just need to ride the moodiness out and keep everything in perspective, but it's a bit crushing to deal with, especially by myself.

i dunno. like i said, it's tough to explain my moods and why i get like this, but i do think it's important to write about it because i always, always want to be a three-dimensional person here. i don't want to only present the window dressing of a super happy busy wonderful life. it's important to communicate that i'm human, and having downs as well as ups is a normal thing, and it's who i am beyond the selfies and the yelling about wrestling and talking about my weekly plans. that's all.

does that make sense? i've had a lot of cold medication.

i'm gonna ease out of this by writing about rammstein for a bit, sorry not sorry! here are their studio albums, ranked from least to most essential:

6. rosenrot
5. liebe ist für alle da
4. sehnsucht
3. reise, reise
2. herzeleid
1. mutter

it's been really hard for me to rank their albums, but i've actually been asked quite a few times which i think their best one is and/or where to start with their discography, so after a lot of deliberation i've determined that 2001's mutter (their third release) is it. it was their first genuine international smash album, a full one-half of the track listing became singles, and it's got a little bit of everything in terms of their sound (deep heavy shit, weird dance-y metal, gothic cabaret, etc). that makes it the best place to start, because you can move up and move down and still get a sense of where they come from or where their sound's going. it's also probably their first really giant studio-production album, and it shows.

additional releases, ranked from least to most essential:

6. made in germany (special edition)
5. klavier xxi
4. völkerball (live in nimes)
3. live aus berlin
3. paris (live)
2. raritäten 1994-2012
1. made in germany 1995-2011

honestly, i flip-flopped on the top two here; i'm more than a little biased towards raritäten 1994-2012, since i've always had a soft spot for b-sides, deep cuts, rarities and lo-fi early stuff (plus it's that album's art that i have tattooed), and raritäten 1994-2012 is a compilation of all the odds n' ends that appeared as b-sides or didn't make the cut on the full-lengths. to add to that, i deeply love so many of the tracks - "halleluja" and "stripped" are in my top 10, and i adore "das modell", "gib mir deine augen" and the vocoder mix of "mutter" far too much. plus, come on, the superior piano version of "mein herz brennt" that turns their goth-rock anthem into one of their best ballads? yes, yes please.

but yeah, you really do have to start with made in germany 1995-2011, which came out in 2011 and is basically their greatest-hits compilation. it's the one i bought when i wanted to get back into the band last year, and it was the perfect place to restart and catch up on all i'd missed. (additional note: paris (live) is their definitive live album. top to bottom amazing and meant to be played loud as fuck.)

alright, bye.

[ music | the sisters of mercy, "some kind of stranger" ]