Monday, February 12, 2018

the laws of attraction

hey, it's almost valentine's day! let's talk about love, baybeeeeeeeeeeee.

so here's an interesting thing: i wrote this blog post on valentine's day five years ago, and while it's still one of my favourite pieces - i still really like some of the things i wrote there - it struck me recently how i actually don't feel the same way about some of it. as in, my beliefs have changed quite a bit over the last year or so, and it's really shifted my point of view on a lot of this.

here's the fundamental difference: when i was younger - and as i said in that blog post from 2013 - i believed that finding a partner was something so, so goddamn important. but what i've learned since is that the pursuit of attraction shouldn't be your "driving force" as i put it. it's ancillary. your life should not be about the person you're with, or finding a person, or pursuing a person.

if that happens along the way, great! good times. but it shouldn't be your entire deal. it shouldn't be the thing that drives you forward. that's your job. you have to learn to find purpose in doing things for yourself, to better yourself, and to build a good life whether or not you have somebody to share it with you. you have to shake off the societal ideal that pairing up is the be-all end-all in life, and that it somehow determines your value. (i'll admit it right now: i have always been a tiny bit scornful of people who feel like they need to be in a relationship all the time because they need that validation. it's so much more important to learn how to be okay with yourself first.)

despite this, i mean yeah, sometimes i do feel a little busted up inside about being single right now, like ah fuck, so what's wrong with me, then? sometimes i do fall into that trap of thinking that if i was in a relationship, it would confirm that i'm fine and normal, and in the eyes of everyone else (and, to be honest, in my own eyes as well) it would prove that there's nothing broken in me emotionally and that i am capable of functioning normally. you know?

but look - that's such a shit barometer for "normalcy." whether you are or aren't in a relationship shouldn't put you above or below anyone else. what's more, it's not good motivation at all to be with someone. you should be with someone because they lift you up and support you and inspire you to be the best person you can possibly be. someone else isn't your proving ground to the world. they should be your equal footing.

i always tend to come back to this piece by andrew w.k.:

any relationship is either a real relationship or a piece of shit. and that's it exactly, always. there are no half-measures or grey areas, no maybes or i-guess's or i-suppose-so's. when it's worth it, you go all in with someone or not at all.

but in the meantime - you have your life, and you have yourself, and that should always, always be enough.

[ music | ladyhawke, "my delirium" ]