Tuesday, January 30, 2018

hanging onto every heartbeat

hello, what's new?

i mean, i wasn't lying:

like, i'm just saying. (and it's not even like i need any new eyeshadow palettes - i have, uh, cough cough, six of them - but i have to continue my search for a true deep crimson red. apparently, like most red dyes, it's difficult to do because there are so many irritants if you want it really pigmented, but i'm going to keep looking. i don't want to look pretty, i want to look terrifying)

sooooooo the wanderlust is hitting me hard right now, you guys, and not just because the weather's been looking like this lately (i love the cold and the snow, remember):

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

it's funny - i love this city to death and it's my home to my very core, but sometimes i get the unexplained urge to try out living somewhere else. i start thinking about how much of the world i haven't seen, and how maybe there are bigger and better life possibilities out there for me, if only i were to go find them first. i'm not sure if this is simply a "grass is greener" scenario, but it's always a little nagging when it eats away at me like this. i live for the feeling of having so many possibilities, but the idea that i'm blocking myself from said possibilities is kind of annoying.

i keep (semi?) jokingly tweeting about moving to berlin and never coming back, and while it's basically not feasible (visas, etc) i really kind of wish it was. every now and then i get the urge to up and leave, toss everything aside and start again somewhere new. this feeling mostly comes around when i have nothing keeping me here - no relationship, no pets, no mortgage etc. - and i always just end up thinking well, fuck, why not?

those of you who've been reading for a while will recall that that's exactly what i did when i left for vancouver in 2007; i didn't have anything holding me to toronto, and i was actually burning out on being here. i was about to turn 24, i was single, i had no major job prospects, and i lived in a shitty basement apartment in the east end. there was no better time for me to upend my entire life and start fresh in a different city, and i still don't regret doing it, even if i only lasted eight months. (if anything, it definitely confirmed to me how much i belong here.)

what do i have here now? well, three big important things: a solid job, an amazing apartment, and my diehard love of this city. i don't want to lose any of those three things, so it looks like i'm here for the time being. but it's still a slight comfort to think i could go, if i wanted. if i had the money and if i was willing to drop my apartment (which would be tough, it's my favourite place), i could leave and do my thing elsewhere, even for a little while. it's the freedom that's important to me.

god, i really do love my apartment setup, though:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

and i'm still not even done the little touches and improvements i want to make on it this year. (next up is adding more houseplants, replacing all my textiles, and potentially buying a new couch) it never stops.

in the meantime, i watched the entirety of v├Âlkerball the other night - over 2 hours of live concert footage from 2003-05 that i'd never seen! - and here was what went through my head, as i sat on my couch with a big dopey smile on my face:

1) ughhhhhhhh my boys i love themmmmmmmmmmm

2) at some point, probably next year, i am going to be in that very arena (i'm pretty sure they usually play nimes), waiting to watch this band, and i'm going to think back to tonight, a night in january 2018, and remember thinking all of this. because holy shit, this is my life, and i have always been able to make that happen, and more besides. the blessings of the alternate universe, amen.

p.s. this is my current weird, weird obsession:

at this point it is impossible for me to not clasp my chest and melodramatically howl "entferne es mit messers kuss!! auch wenn ich verbluten muss!!" along with the final verse. just so good. (the live/original version is also good.)

[ music | none ]