Tuesday, December 12, 2017

i’m holding on to nothing just as fast as i can

alright so i’m going to be vague enough here that i don’t imply too much, but it’s likely easy to read between the lines. (and i’m not fielding questions or requests for specifics, sorry.) as always, though, i need to write it out, so here we go, here’s why i’ve been so absent lately:

i’ve been distracted for the last four months.

the thing about distractions is that they can be both good and bad: good because you don’t have to focus on other things, but bad because you just don’t focus on other things. and after four months, this distraction was reaching its tipping point for me. i had to do something, to figure something out, to either move forward or to close the door.

so, i did something. and in taking that chance, i knew i had to be straightforward and honest and i had to be brave, because i was taking the bull by the horns and taking my shot. and maybe, just maybe, things would turn out in the way that i’d hoped so hard for.

they didn’t.

...it is a bit crushing, you know, to put yourself out there and not get what you want. it feels like, if you do a big thing, it should work out for you, right? it should work out the way you wanted.

but life is funny and fucked up in equal measures, and one thing that always needs to be remembered is that other people are not you. everyone has a different lens that they see the world through, and it’s a mistake if you think everyone views things the same way as you do. you can’t be solipsistic. you have to accept that everyone is the main character in their own story, and they look at the world in their own way, not yours.

so for me, i had been seeing a completely different viewpoint, and i had been convinced it was the only one, when it wasn’t. the distraction was a blind side of my own making. and i was levelled.

it was rough, i’m not going to lie. if you invest so much time and emotion into something and it just doesn’t work out, to no fault of anyone involved, it’s rough. it leaves a void. it’s a reality you were not prepared for, even if you’d had your doubts, even if you knew it wasn’t a sure thing, not really. but you wanted to believe.

yet even as i was a total mess in the aftermath, i realized with 100% clarity what i needed to do.

sure, i could cut and run. i could burn that bridge to the fucking ground and try not to look back. but...if i did that, i would lose something that was still special in its own way. just because it was different from what i thought it would be didn’t make it worth just throwing away. and i didn’t want to, at all.

i’m not saying it was easy. i was crushed. i was confused and numb and sad and i cried on and off for three days straight. i’m still carrying some of that sadness, and i will for a while, because i have to mourn the sudden loss of something i’d happily focused on for so long.

but as always, you have to have acceptance in the end, and you have to look for the silver linings and the positive takeaways, and i’m doing that. because i don’t want to make the last four months meaningless. i have to put in the work, because all this requires me to be a bigger person than i thought i would be if faced with this.

it doesn’t mean i don’t wish things were different. holy shit, with all my heart i wish things were different. but if i dwell on that and all the what-ifs and if-onlys, it’ll just be another distraction, and it’s going to prevent me from growing and learning from all this. and i at least need to take some lessons from this. i learned some things about myself, and the value of other people who care about me, and my own heart. i was brave, and i took a chance. that’s not nothing.

and life is funny. you never know how things may come back around or what may happen in the future. maybe someday you’ll laugh about this. maybe someday this will all make sense, why it worked out the way it did.

don’t burn that bridge. you just never know.

anyway, that’s all.

(i think this fever’s gonna break.)

[ music | holy ghost!, “it must be the weather” ]


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