Tuesday, November 14, 2017

the truth is a thunderstorm

....oh hey, so, i spoke too soon about trying to make sure november's a better month for me? booooooo, ennui.

sepia tone means v. moody

look, straiiiiiiiiight up: being single is super rad and i have maybe too much fun with it, but i'm going to say that the big downside - besides lack of makeout sessions and back & shoulder massages on request - is that you don't have someone to talk to when you're feeling down. sure, for me personally, i've got plenty of close family and friends, but it's not the same, you know? it's really not the same as knowing that there's a significant other who's got your back and is always willing to listen to you and be there for you when things get tough.

and that's what i miss the most. it's not like i'm desperate or willing to settle for whatever i can get just so i can have that company once again, but that's the part that tends to sting the strongest when i'm alone.

anyway, i try to keep a regular face on my social media because i don't want to be that person, but you know, whatever. i'll be fine once november's done, i think. (and if i can stop myself from daydreaming about tossing everything aside and just moving to berlin.)

in the meantime: retail therapy. ohooooohoooooooooo.

so i'm still out here buying myself presents (because i know what i want, and i have the money to buy whatever). i'm a sucker for a sale - especially if it's on things i would be buying anyway - so i fell prey to sephora's 20% off sale and picked up a couple choice items: the peter thomas roth mini-mask set (have bought it at least three times before, v. good value) and a travel size of my current favourite perfume, kat von d sinner. it's both a bit floral and a bit spicy, which makes it perfect for cold weather.

the full frangrance list otherwise (inspired by tweeting about how big of a sucker i am for cologne on guys):

but my ridiculous bullshit spending doesn't stop there! because kadabra was also having a sale, i went ahead and bought yet another harness bra:

it's a goddamn pentagram. i love it. (also thicker straps than my other harness bra, which is a nice aesthetic plus) i mean, i'm just thinking ahead to next tour, here. it'll be nice to have solid gothy options if/when i head over to europe. (it's absolutely accurate that the only places i shop for clothes/accessories right now are kadabra and pretty attitude)

but what if next tour doesn't happen in 2018, you say? well, for one, i will be sad; for two, i'll have plenty of savings in hand to do something else fun next year. for three, i will probably end up going on the jericho cruise, because going on a wrestling cruise - partnered with my favourite promotion - is absolutely something i would do. it would be the most insane fever dream and probably the weirdest thing i would ever do.

but you know, if it happens, it happens. otherwise, i can at least look forward to this weekend, in which there will be not one but two wrestling ppvs to watch with good friends and plenty of wine to get drunk on. always the best weekends.

lastly - and you know i bury this stuff at the end of my blog posts because nobody cares all that much but me - this goddamn video:

0:14 - "rammstein"
4:38 - "sehnsucht"
8:58 - "weisses fleisch" (if you're gonna watch any of them, watch this one)
13:34 - "engel"
18:28 - "seemann"

i have many comments.

- paul (rhythm guitar), richard (lead guitar), and schneider (drums) are collectively wearing more makeup than i've ever worn in my entire life
- the goddamn creepy rey mysterio jr contact lenses on richard are killing me
- weird german space goths
- are there....are there creepy children in nightgowns standing in the rafters
- bless paul, the prettiest sparkly-glam gothling prince to ever exist
- schneider is super fucking into it
- why is 1998
- g e r m a n y
- i didn't think it was possible for me to be more in love with the vampire guitar bros (the guitarist tag team of my hearrrrrrrt), but i guess if you add a ton of glam silver eye makeup and black lipstick on both of them then holy fuck yes
- wait, they're all like, my age in this video
- boys in makeup, the end

honestly though, now that we're almost at the end of 2017, i've been freely admitting that rammstein saved my sanity so many times this year. i'm going to expound upon that here by reminding you that i broke up with my boyfriend back in january, and immediately went through that weird post-breakup period where you sort of have to rediscover who you are outside of a twosome. like, what did you unintentionally lose when you were in a relationship? what did you give up without really noticing or mourning for its loss?

for me, i found that i wasn't sure if i knew how to still love a band, and that terrified me. because for so many years of my life, i was absolutely defined by the fact that i was a fan of the bands, and earlier this year i wasn't even sure if i could still do it. it had been way too long. so i was struggling with that identity crisis, plus a really dumb mistake of a crush in the first couple months of the year (yeah, hi, i know you're reading this, it was dumb! guy, i know), and it was rough going for me. i honestly didn't think 2017 was gonna go so well for your favourite idiot (me).

but then came the night in march when i saw the paris concert in theatre, and it was like i was fucking revitalized. it reminded me of everything i loved about the bands, and why i loved it. so like, holy shit, this band brought me back to who i was. that's something i can't stress enough.

it hasn't always been an easy year. it's been full of incredible experiences and memorable moments, for sure, but there's been some tough stuff to get through, and music has always been a huge part of helping me cope. and seriously, i'm not even lying when i say that rammstein is pretty much the only band i listen to right now, and has pretty much been the only band i've listened to since march. it's a comfort. it's a reminder. it helps ground me and get me through everything. (then there's corollary things, too, like how big of a thing rockfest was for me to attend, and how it's gotten me to get back to learning german, and how i'm on the fan club forums every day making friends and chatting in german)

anyway, look, they gave me back something i was missing in my identity and in my life in a major way. hence the tattoo. hence the obsessively writing about them. because you owe the things that save you, and sometimes i still need something to cling to.

maybe someday i'll move on. but for now, it makes me happy. bye!

[ music | none ]

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

but now it's on you

it's a pretty humourous state of affairs when i have to look over my twitter and instagram (and to a lesser extent, my photos on my phone) to remember all the stuff i've been up to lately, but oh well, here we are.

as someone (ashamedly) at the vib rouge tier of sephora - for the uninitiated/innocent, that means i spend a shitload of money at sephora yearly, and ughhhh my membership is solid straight through until december 2018 - that also means i can schedule free 45-minute makeovers whenever i want, and i'll absolutely admit that i go for one maybe once a month. because for one, they really do help me learn better techniques, and for two, uhhhh i like being able to take good selfies with a well-done makeup job by a professional. i still have no faith in my contouring abilities.

but now it is finally the time for the outfit i've wanted to wear since i ordered it in august!!

seriously, like i said on twitter, wearing that velvet coat is like wearing a black hole. it's basically an absence of light. pair it with the elbow-length fingerless leather gloves i ordered and my tall lace-up stompy boots, and it's my favourite richard-inspired outfit right now. (unfortunately i can't wear it when it rains, but that's when i can wear my dark grey brocade coat that is absolutely identical to the above)

honestly, i've never been a fashionista of any kind, but it's such a boost to your day when you feel confident and cool in your outfit, you know? and it's a nice testament to having 1) a well-paying job and 2) a constantly refined sense of fashion if you can pull it off to your own standards - and mine are obviously a little on the darker side. probably well-expressed in my new pinned tweet:

(this means i had to drop the plug for my sarahah, but you can still send me anonymous messages if you want!)

~looks~ aside, over here it's shaping up to be, like october, another wacky four weeks. it's a super busy month at my job (fun fact: i'm just about to celebrate my one-year anniversary!), which means it's kind of like getting on a rollercoaster and just riding the waves as they go. but on the other side of all this is december, when things calm down a bit more and the city gets all festive and i can look forward to 1) christmas and 2) time off. (i barely took any time off for christmas last year because i was still new and hadn't accrued my paid vacation days yet.)

yet november's always been a bit of a weird month for me; when i was younger, it was a big month of the sads, so i was usually bleak and moody and struggling with ennui for the majority of 30 days. but over the last few years, i've really worked hard to turn that around in my mind - i've come to love the dark evenings and cold weather, and i've embraced all the good stuff about early winter (warm clothing, blankets, endless cups of tea, etc). that's not to say that my approach works for everyone, obviously; get help if you need it, be it therapeutic or pharmaceutical, i would never judge. but for me personally, what i do is enough to keep me going. plus i have a lot of good fun stuff to distract me right now - wrestling! music! makeup! wine! boys! - so i'm sure i'll be fine.

in the meantime, i'll spare you any more song analyses but i am obsessed with this live rendition right now (and this after disliking "mutter" for months and months because i really couldn't do their ballads when i first started but now i love them all??):

p.s. i shrieked about it on instagram already, but all month rammstein is holding a fan photo contest to find the best photo shot on the most recent tour (2016-17). this was my entry. i think i've got a pretty decent chance at placing, no? (all the prizes are great, but first place gets 1) their photo published on the band's official insta and 2) a copy of the photo printed out and autographed, which would be just so cool. wünsch mir glück!)

[ music | ladytron, "seventeen" ]