Monday, September 18, 2017

someone do something

hello from me and my new glasses bullshit:

(it's important to note that i don't wear or need glasses normally, i just kind of enjoy them as a fashion accessory. i'm that person.)

now, first off: i got bored and got back into sarahah, so go ahead and anonymously tell me stuff again. it probably says something about me that i'm not so much creeped out by smutty responses as i am entertained.

secondly: wrestling.

last night was smash wrestling's 100th(!) show and, paired with an early afternoon show, it was a doozy of a double-header. the place was packed, the beer was cold (and cheap!), and i got to once again be among all my friends and fellow weirdos. plus the card for the 100th show was a secret, so we all got a few surprises and got to yell a whole lot.

jeff cobb was there! this man is a holy terror and just so, so awesome. if you want to see a grown man throwing other grown men around like sacks of potatoes, jeff cobb is your guy.

the bearded franco-wonders of tdt (tabarnak de team), another prime example of "men that large should not be that agile". every time i see them wrestle, i am mindblown over how quick they can move and how crazy hard they can hit.

one-half of our main event, jay white! he's a new japan/ring of honor guy, which means he has my allegiance forever, and he's also an auckland cutie, so there.

yet in the intermission between the two shows, my buddies took me to the sketchiest bar in etobicoke (we were the youngest and dirtbag-iest in the place by far), which was located next door to the sketchiest antiques shop:

no thank you, etobicoke.

but as usual, it's really great to get out once a month and reconnect with all the smash regulars, say hi to the talent, too-sweet the staff, and just be a part of something, you know? i'm not even trying to be some sort of scenester or influencer; i just really enjoy the whole being-a-community aspect of things. smash has always emphasized that their audiences and fans are their family, and that definitely comes through. it was a rad night and man oh man i will always be at smash shows, forever.

oh, and ring talks last week, by the way, was fantastic. it's cool to get some behind-the-scenes insight into the business, as well as having the opportunity to ask both talent and staff anything you want. plus again, it was yet another chance to reconnect with the regulars and say hi and have a few drinks, which is probably better than drinking vodka at home while watching raw solo. oh, my life.

in sum total, things i love in life right now are basically the following:

- wrestling
- rammstein
- toronto
- sephora
- eva green
- wine

i'm an easy creature to please.

next up: off to see the new it movie with my friends tomorrow night (cheap tuesday matinee!), which should be an adventure because i'm very bad with horror movies (i don't like jump scares) but i do love the book so so much. i read that fucking tome at least once a year.

otherwise, i'm just gonna lie low for a while, save my money (october is coming up fast and i have much to do), work on my german lessons, read some books and try to sleep properly. it's the change of season, or something.

but there's also this and it suuuuuuuuuucks:

(update: this story actually got picked up by german newspapers etc. to the point where the band had to release a statement refuting the rumours that they're wrapping up. bless them, still making news for over two decades now.)

...but like, okay. okay i'm fine with it when it happens, because the guys have been at it for almost 25 years now and they all have separate projects and lives and all that. also, there would likely be one hell of a final tour for the last album, and you know i'd be everywhere to see them one last time. i would absolutely do whatever it takes to be at rammstein's final show (likely in berlin, i'm assuming), singing along and cheering and bawling with everyone else in front row. sometimes a band saves your life, and sometimes you have to do what it takes to pay back that emotional debt. while you can, anyway.

right, that's it for now.

[ music | hawksley workman, "striptease" ]

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

must be the moon


A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

look, i just want it to be fall already, okay? geez. (there is always, always a late heat wave in september in toronto. fucking always. i remember when i first moved here back in 2002, there was a brutal september heat wave that also coincided with a massive garbage strike. this made for a very olfactory memory.)

the current nail polish inspiration is one richard z. kruspe, by the way. (he paints all his nails black except for the middle nail, which is red. our vampire lord rzk is the best lord.)

so the great housesitting/catsitting adventure is over, emma's back home and looking after her tiny panther, and i returned to my apartment last night. it feels good to be back centered in my own home, though - not just getting to sleep in my own bed, but just being back where i live, you know? it's not necessarily about being surrounded by my stuff, because all that's just stuff, but there's a nice comfortable vibe in my apartment and i'm always so happy to be there. ugh, emotions! gross.

plus it's busy as hell over here - tonight is the first edition of ring talks, join ussssssssss:

...then tomorrow, i have to run social for a work event, i get a break friday, then saturday my dad is in town. when you're a retiree and one of your two daughters does not live in the same city as you, you can totally take the time to drive 2.5 hours just to take her out for lunch, i guess. (despite having gone to university here way back in the day, my father does not like toronto all that much.)

but i still find the time to tweet dumb shit and instagram pics of cats and my face so, you know, multitasking! it's my pal.

sunday morning is another small reprieve before i'll be out again for a full day(!) of smash wrestling in the west end. two shows in a row! and then coming up next week is friend hangs and movie dates and many bottles of wine, oh my. (i legit won't even have time to do laundry or buy groceries, gah.)

still, it feels a bit tricky to do all this on so little cash; i'm really, really working hard to keep to my budget for the next little while. i'm conscious that we're in the final stretch of the year, which means i need to keep saving up like mad for the (potential) rammstein tour next year. there's no goddamn way the rest of lifad - yes, it's 2017 and i'm paying annual dues to be in a band's official fan club - gets to go to these shows and i don't. i'm part of the cabal too, damn it.

alright, so to do a bit more of my typical writing about rammstein's music, today i wanted to focus on two of my favourite of the deeper cuts, and i promise i'll try to keep it short for both:

"stripped" (for the masses, 1998)

this one probably isn't a true deep cut - they've been playing it in their current set, and it's very well known (it first appeared on the above depeche mode tribute album, then was later included on their raritäten 1994-2012 album that came out in 2015) - but it's been one of my top songs for over 15 years now, so it counts. it's a cover of the depeche mode single from 1986, which also happens to be one of my favourite dm songs. (funny story: i heard the rammstein cover first, which led me to the depeche mode original, which ended up getting me into depeche mode in the first place. so i have the german dilf squad to thank for leading me to the good boys from basildon.)

but this song stayed with me throughout my late teen years and into my early twenties; i would legit just put it on repeat while i was getting ready to go out to the bars. there was just something so dark and haunting and badass about it, and i wanted to capture that feeling. i've said it before and i'll say it again: the already-sinister lyrics sound even more sinister when it's the most deep-voiced german singing it in heavily accented english. (in his defense, till's spoken english is very good, though they really ought to just send richard out to do all the english interviews because his is perfect. actually, you know what, just send richard and paul out to do the press junket together and watch me die of total fangirl joy.)

plus, there's a tiny change that till makes in the final version of the chorus - he switches between "let me see you strip" and "let me see you stripped". it's a small thing, sure, but i find it incredibly effective (especially considering how much i love and revere martin l. gore's lyrics). there may have been a bazillion depeche mode covers by a bazillion different bands over the years, but even if i wasn't a rammstein obsessive, i'd still call this one of the best ones.

"amour" (reise, reise, 2004)

i have something close to 100 rammstein songs on my ipod right now, and this song is my third favourite of all their songs. (the first two are, in order, "mein teil" and "halleluja", followed by "weisses fleisch" and "mein herz brennt" rounding out my top five.) it is a dark, tiny masterwork buried at the very end of an album - an album which already has a deep, lingering power ballad in "ohne dich" ("without you"), which coincidentally is the preceding track. but "amour" is much more cutting and far less sentimental than "ohne dich"; it's not so much about love as it is about how love can fucking destroy you. (those have always been my favourite songs.)

in pretty much every interview, the band gets asked about why their songs are so obscene, and till lindemann (our beloved meister, poet and pyromaniac) always looks so resigned - like germany's most disappointed dad - before archly pointing out that he writes about love. ("also the perversion of it," he added in an interview from 1998, and yeah, a given.) "amour" is probably, i think, one of the best examples of how rammstein does a love song, not to mention it features some truly great guitar work from richard, plus till howling about how love is a wild animal ("die liebe ist ein wildest tier") that catches you in its teeth and tears you apart. just heartbreaking and fantastic.

but the final clash of sounds is what does it for me - a manic, heavy shift in tempo as schneider just murders the drums, the guitars get that much louder, and till begs for release with "bitte, bitte, gib mir gift" ("please, please, give me poison"). it's an interesting line especially because to anglo ears, it sounds like he's saying "give me your gift", and i would bet legit money that that's intentional. (one of the truest things to know about rammstein is that there's very little they do that isn't intentional. they are a terrifyingly clever band.)

then there's sudden silence, and the song is over, and the entire album is over - it's the final track - and you're left kind of feeling exhausted, like you've just been hit with a freight train of emotions. i mean, you do if you're me, anyway. die liiiiiiiieeeeeeeebe.

more deep/er cuts to look into: "der meister" (herzeleid, 1995), "eifersucht" (sehnsucht, 1997), "adios" (mutter, 2001), "zerstören" (rosenrot, 2005), "waidmanns heil" (liebe ist für alle da, 2009), "gib mir deine augen" (raritäten 1994-2012, 2015), "seemann" (xxi - klavier, 2016), "asche zu asche" live (paris, 2017)

okay that's it gotta run byeeeeeeeeeeeee

[ music | black rebel motorcycle club, "weapon of choice" ]

Sunday, September 10, 2017

in the dead of the night

a warm sunday hello from me and the fancy beast:

so here i am, day 4/6 of housesitting for my friend emma in the northeast part of toronto. views not too bad, all things considering:

yeah, so, it's clearly not some massive hardship. all i need to do is stay here til tuesday night, drink the nice bottles of wine she left me as a thank-you gift, feed the cat, play with the cat, change the cat's litter, take out the trash, and feed the koi in her godparents's backyard pond. it's always a bit disconcerting and weird to be staying somewhere that's not your own home, but i brought enough entertainment, plus it's so quiet and peaceful here for sleeping.

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

because i knew i'd likely be bored out here in the wilderness part of toronto, i went ahead and subscribed to three months of rosetta stone so i could keep pushing forward on my german. (duolingo's now got me sitting at 51% fluency, which puts me in the "advanced" level, which makes me overjoyed.) however, i think i'm gonna need to mess around with some settings, because like...i'm starting way in beginner's. as in, "she eats", "he sleeps", etc. - but come on now rosetta stone, i know, like, preterite and genetive case and dative pronouns. i don't need to be taught the goddamn basics. pffffft.

but it's a big week coming up, so i can't relax here in the canopy for too long - wednesday night is the first-ever ring talks at the rivoli, where a bunch of my indy faves and good people are putting on a discussion panel & roundtable about wrestling. the next night is a work event that i need to attend (while also sneaking as many hors d'oeuvres as i can), then this coming saturday my father's in town for a visit, then sunday is two back-to-back smash wrestling shows. ya girl's got front row tickets, so look for my dumb face whenever they televise the footage.

first, though: last night was the long-awaited coming of nxt to toronto, and ooooooh boy it was a good goddamn time.

we've been very spoiled here for wwe shows this summer, and this one was no exception. sure, it felt like some weird bootleg of a house show - it took place at mattamy athletic centre, aka the former maple leaf gardens, and even though it was a small venue it was maybe only half full - but i got hang with so many buddies and see so many people i knew, which is always a blast. (plus we all screamed "dad!! hi dad!!" when a preamble video of triple h appeared on the screen.) plus the chance to see some talent that you wouldn't see in the bigger televised events - and like, i did both raw and smackdown only a month ago - was a treat.

also it's great to have an excuse to wear this shirt in public without too many weird looks:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

maybe you don't wear hot pants if it's "feels like 10C" outside, but you do if you're me.

anyway, said it before but i will say it again a billion times: the toronto wrestling community is so tight, and it's always the best to have an excuse to see each other and hang out together. whether it's an indy show or a big-name event or just some local gathering at the pub, it's a riot to get to see your fellow marks and smarks outside of online. much love to my people and my city.

of course, now i've already got fall on my mind - moving as quickly as possible through this month, then onwards to october, with birthdays and thanksgiving and holyyyyyyyy shit buffalo for ring of honor's global wars tour. no matter how many wwe events i go to see, roh is still the promotion that has my heart and devotion, and i am just so stoked to see my second roh show of 2017. and that's before laying waste to buffalo the next day, as well. lucky friday the 13th in october.

okay bye for now. i need a fucking haircut.

[ music | garbage, "only happy when it rains" ]

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

as clear as day

hi! here is my face!

sometimes i can be fancy. (still more comfortable in wrestling t-shirts and yelling about violent bloodsport, though.)

other times i can be that goth-punk weirdo in the bigass crowd:

i'm pretty easy to find once you spot me (right side of the pic, my arms are hanging down in front of the barrier, you can kiiiiind of see my harness bra), but it's hilarious for me to look at this and realize the sheer number of people behind us. i was chatting with my rammstein buddy robert (the guy next to me in the black shirt and blue hat) last week about this pic and he agreed it was crazy to view what was going on that we didn't see.

(also, that pic was only around ummmmm hour 2 of 11? possibly hour 3? jesus christ.)

so here we are into september, past the labour day weekend, and i hope it treated all of you well. aside from some parties, some friend hangs, and some very good nachos, i kept it chill and didn't do a hell of a lot besides laze around, read books, do some writing, and inhale a bunch of painkillers because my uterus tried to kill me again. as standard.

an update on the german lessons, though, because i'm getting so excited and proud of myself: i'm doing really well at it, you guys. i'm up to day 130 of learning it through the duolingo app, and though like i said, i've already finished the lessons and just have to keep repeating them, i'm starting to really get it, you know? like, it's actually beginning to come instinctively to me as a language, and that is just beyond exciting. i'm still not sure how well i'd get around in germany proper, but i've started to stick the accent and i'm nailing how the sentences are structured and i'm getting all the little nuances. holy shit it's happening.

hopefully i'll be picking up rosetta stone soon to keep pushing forward, but you know, $$$$. but learning! but $$$$.

speaking of cash monies, i've been really good about not spending money on silly purchases lately, but then this happened:

aaaaaaaand ordered. (i'm still gazing longingly at this cool jacket and the ever-present bikini, but i'm not sure yet where to allot next month's birthday money, so we'll see. i get antsy buying clothing online if there isn't a size chart.)

so coming up is housesitting/catsitting this week - still need to sort out the logistics - and then nxt here in toronto on saturday night, which i am really frigging excited for. just the chance that we may get to see aleister black, redragon, and adam cole (baybay!) is enough to get me so stoked. also, it's always a good time seeing the regular toronto wrestling community crowd out in full force. much love. (you know how to find me.)

finally, a tweet i've kept coming back to because holy hot damn i love this video:

gahhhhhhhhhhh they are so fucking cool i cannot even take it.

ok that's enough, bye.

[ music | florence + the machine, "only if for a night" ]

Friday, September 1, 2017

no rest for the wicked

well, here we are again. (yes, i wanted to wait until september so i didn't just jam one billion blog posts into august. much like a dude on the subway, i need to spread it out.)


A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

it's a beautiful time of year in toronto, and i'm so fortunate i have a lot of rad people to spend it with. lately i've been lucky enough to get connected with a new pal who just moved here from england - she's a friend of my chicago brother, and he recommended that we hang out, and we've been doing so ever since. (chicago brother is a very good judge of character; he also connected me with the girl who would later become my best friend in vancouver) we've been staying up late, drinking a lot of wine, gossiping and getting up to trouble. hell yeah.

it's always one of those weird and delightful things when you make a new friend as an adult; like, you're past the school age and likely settled into a job at this point, so unless it's new coworkers or you're a mom meeting other neighbourhood moms, you don't have a ton of chances to make friends on top of the ones you (hopefully) made when you were younger. and me, i can be a little touch and go - i have plenty of casual acquaintances and friends, not as many close friends - but if i click with somebody as a friend, i really click with them to the point where you're basically my long-lost sister/brother.

anyway, i'm off to catsit this adorable little monster for emma next week:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

tiny panther miss brody is a sweet girl who loves people and loves attention, therefore i can and will provide all the snuggles she can handle.

i'm also housesitting at the same time, which is something i will do, but only if you're my good friend. i'm never too crazy about being away from my apartment and my stuff, nor do i enjoy the crushing anxiety about having responsibility for someone's expensive house that is not mine, but at the end of the day i'll do it. yet i also have this dumb irrational fear of violent home invasions? what the fuck, brain.

so maybe i will not die in the next few weeks.

oh, and i caved and bought the palette i was moaning about last entry. what can i say, i'd had a crummy week and needed a materialistic boost. and i don't even regret it, because one of the eyeshadows has one of the most beautiful holofoil pigments i've ever seen - it shimmers from deep orange-red to purple to smoky grey-black on your lids. like, holy shit. i would buy an entire container of that one. (urban decay, if you're listening - please make ember available to buy on its own. i'll take 20.)

still keeping up with my friends the pinks, though:

(i had to take this because a friend pointed out that most of my selfies have my eyes cut off or covered by giant sunglasses, so i needed to prove i wasn't cross-eyed or anything. nope, just heavily washed out)

okay now look, we're keeping this train rolling because it's my blog and i'm having a good time writing about music i like, so there:

it's big, it's loud, it's mean, and it's about dick cannibalism. it's "mein teil" ("my part"), and it is without a shadow of a doubt rammstein's greatest song.

this song has everything, i swear. creepy choir samples. the fact that schneider is using a goddamn marching-band beat on the snare. very loud evil double-barreled guitar action courtesy of our vampire lord and gothling prince, aka richard and paul, the guitarist tag team of my heart. a chorus for the crowd to scream along with (nein!!). the way the cymbal crashes pick up in the final chorus and how the song slowly fades out into black. and holy shit, the way till manipulates his voice throughout - from quiet, ominous hiss to full-throated, aggressive howl - will just haunt you. it's honestly like nothing i've ever heard before, and i have 10+ years of being a music critic behind me.

it's the bridge lyrics, though - from 2:38 to 2:59 in the track - that completely ruin me with how good they are (not to mention keyboardist flake laying down some seriously sinister synth behind the vocals). you don't really need to know what's being said, but man, just listen to the creepy, delicate pitch that till uses. it'll give you chills, and that's even if you don't know the real-life incident that the song is based on. (the perpetrator later tried to sue the band, too.)

it is incredibly fun to sing along with, though (and you bet your ass i do - "mein teil" was the first rammstein song i learned fully through in german):

Ein Schrei wird zum himmel fahren
schneidet sich durch engelscharen
Vom Wolkendach fällt Federfleisch
auf meine kindheit mit gekreish

disturbing as fuck, basically. (it's stuff about screaming, slicing the flesh of angels, etc.)

the album placement is really interesting, too; it's the second track on 2004's reise, reise (also responsible for the singles "keine lust", "ohne dich", and "amerika", as well as "amour", which is my third-favourite song of theirs), but it follows the title track, which is basically a sweeping, darkly epic anthem that i think is about vikings? (they have like, four songs about vikings.) yet the transition from the weird, almost folk-y outro of "reise, reise" into a loud, crashing cacophony of heavy metal just blows my mind. it's a simple thing, but so effective.

here's the video, but okay be warned it's an absolute factory of fucking nightmares:

i mean, if i saw that when i was 10-11 years old, i would be super scarred forever. (i'm fairly sure the motto of their videos is "if you're not at least a little uncomfortable while watching, then we're not doing our job.")

"mein teil" is definitely one of those cases where the song is so good on album that the live version is never quite as good (another of my favourites, "weisses fleisch", also falls in this category), but the overall theatrics more than make up for it. observe:

(it's been off the recent tour set list, which makes me sad - i didn't get to see it at rockfest, obviously - but the above clearly requires a ton of logistics and setup, so it's nice for them and their team that they take a break from it. still, i'm gonna burn my lungs out with how loudly i'll sing it live when i eventually do see it)

the superior live recording is obviously on the paris dvd, but because they're smart, it's not available to watch online anywhere, which means you need to buy the dvd in order to see it, and holy shit you really should. the whole thing is a fucking masterwork and it better win all the grammys possible.

anyway, that's all? danke for indulging me. listen to that goddamn song, the end.

p.s. good god almighty somebody stop me before i buy the winter jacket haha wait let's be real i will totally buy it.

[ music | ladytron, "seventeen" ]