Monday, August 14, 2017

spring bleeds in paris

hi hello me again! a quick second one for today, thanks to a post-gym wordbarf of inspiration:

so i mentioned it a bunch of times, because i'm a big ol' attention-whore millennial, but i signed up for the sarahah anonymous commenting platform the other week, and it's been an interesting social experiment:

i've gotten so many wonderful messages, but i've recognized an interesting pattern - a lot of them (and i'm not trying to be an ego monster at all, i swear) use words like brave and fearless and passionate and mention how i seem to have my shit figured out, and that i really live life to the fullest.

it's funny because i wasn't like that for a lot of years. i got stuck - and i have totally been stuck at so many points in my adult life, and probably my teenage life as well - and it feels like being trapped. it's when the pockets of deep depression hit, and when i drown myself in too many vices, and when i shut myself off from the world because i feel like i can't talk to anybody. it's a tough time, and the worst part is that i know, i fucking know that it's happening because i'm stuck, but i don't know how to get out of it.

except i do. because this has always been life's way of telling me that something needs to change, and i have to bite down and do it.

so here's what i can say to all those nice anons in my sarahah: there is so much value in recognizing what isn't working for you and deciding to change it. it's scary, though! it is scary as shit to change things, and it's terrifying to know that you're the only one who can. it is gut-wrenching and knee-weakening to realize that, whether success or failure, it's all on you - no excuses, no one else to blame. you are standing on the edge of a fucking abyss, and you are alone in this. you jump, or you don't jump, and you have to live with yourself either way.

but i can't live any other way. i can't put myself through things that i know aren't working. it just eats me alive. there's still so much that terrifies me, sure, but i'm always and forever conscious that we all only get one life and you never know what might happen today or tomorrow or next week. you have to say what you mean and do what you feel, and there's no time to waste being stuck.

of course, it can make me reckless with my own dumb heart, because i'll always choose my emotions over my brain. i'll never forget what my mother once said to me, because it was the truest summary of me anyone's ever come up with: "honey, you feel things so much harder than other people, and that's going to make things tough for you, because you expect other people to feel things the way you do. and you're not like them."

but oh god, it's the only way i can live, you know? my mother's right, i've never been like the others. i'd rather be a rollercoaster pinball hurricane of wild emotions than staid and level-headed and detached from everything. even if it means i get hurt, and like, that can happen a lot, but i've long since accepted that it's the price i pay for who i am.

what's the value in a life half-lived, really? do what you need to do, do what needs to be done, with no regretting anything you didn't say or didn't do. that's how you live.

so: you've got your one life. are you going to stay stuck? or are you going to do whatever you can to be happy while you're here? that's how i live.

(you know i've always wanted only the best for you.)

[ music | see above ]