Wednesday, August 2, 2017

nothing stays for you

check it! much like its author, this blog is chaotic neutral:

(people have asked me before about the all-lowercase thing; there's no deeper poetic meaning to it - i don't even like e.e. cummings! - i just liked how it looked when i started blogging like a million years ago, then never stopped)

so as expected, the previous blog post smashed my traffic for a few days, probably because 1) y'all thirsty (haha) and 2) it's a pretty common pattern that when i write a blog post about deep life stuff - especially relationship stuff, especially detailing whether or not i'm currently in one - people get curious. i mean, i think for most writers, it always is a little more real when you're writing about life stuff. i'm not sure, then, if that's why there aren't so many personal blogs anymore; plenty of thinkpieces, sure (and i love a good personal thinkpiece), but not so many regular blogs that delve into deeper life discussions.

as i've said before, one of my big goals with this blog is to be a three-dimensional person. you can get a couple of dimensions with social media, but it doesn't have enough width or depth to show the whole picture - and, probably, a lot of people don't want to show that. me, i've always been mildly obsessed with authenticity, so i don't want to just show the window dressing - the self-effacing tweets, the pretty instagram pictures, the surface-level facebook updates. if you're here, you get all that and also whatever deep, uncomfortable shit i need to work out through writing.

(not to say that i'm not a private person, though. i am. and i think that's also a common pitfall: that people might read my blog for a while and think that they know me super well, when they actually, uh, don't. again, as i've said before, two important things to remember if you read my blog: for one, i never tell the full story, and for two, i never lie but i am a very selective truth-teller.)

that said, here's a blog of fluffy stuff and nothing too personal. 'sup hypocrite girl?

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

(if you want to win me over, buy me lilies, they're my favourite. roses are nice to dry and have as keepsakes, but lilies are super fucking explosion in your face and i love them)

so in between life stuff and work obligations, yours truly was struck down by the worst of things: the dreaded summer cold. because i have a pretty decent lung capacity - fun fact!: i was trained as a vocalist for 2-3 years as a teenager, but it didn't do shit for my stress nerves or stage fright, so i never pursued it - i always end up with this deep, gross, wet cough that makes me sound like i'm fucking hacking up a lung when in fact i'm on the upswing.

but even before i hit said upswing, i was laid out so bad i actually had to stay home from work because my head felt full of cotton and i sounded like i had the plague. and i mean, staying home sick is boring. i basically just grubbed around and felt disgusting - so like, me on a regular weekend, but with the addition of a painful throat and stuffed-up sinuses and exhaustion because i kept being woken up by coughing fits.

you know, though, i refuse to be a mopey feel-bad-for-myself sick-y when i'm not feeling well. i haven't lived with my mom to have her take care of me for 15 years now, and the majority of those 15 years have been spent living alone, so i actually prefer to take care of myself. i don't like being doted upon when i'm not feeling well; i would honestly rather be left alone to be gross.

but then i eventually went back to work and probably annoyed the hell out of everyone with my coughing. i'm fine! honest!

in the meantime, i found the best fucking gloves to go with my velvet coat this fall:

oh you know it. (and you know i've already ordered them rather than wait for, like, fall proper? or for when my credit card stops screaming in pain? whatever, it's fine, it's fine)

one thing i could feasibly do in between the sniffles and coughs, though, was keep working on my german lessons. i even bought this guide to german grammar because i'm so shit at it (like, i'm getting better, but it's a slow process) and it makes me yell "fuuuuuuuck thiiiiiiis languaaaaaaaage". but i gotta get really good at it if i'm off to europe next year which, pending tour announcements, is obviously the plan. there's no way i'm going over there sounding like a dumb anglo. (my mother: "why europe?" me: "gonna go follow a band for a while." mom: ".....oh, honey.") i mean, i was doing this shit long before i had money, but now that i have money the chains are off.

on that note, lastly, gonna foist this track upon you because all of their best songs are "gonna fuckin dance and then maybe torture somebody idk"

bless that album cover (1995!). i can't believe our stately german dilf kings were ever so young. (they also all kept getting hotter as they got older, which really isn't fair)

p.s. bahahaha oh 2014 me, you sweet summer child. (i don't know what they're all even wearing in the screencap but i kind of love it??) (btw 2014 me, in three years you're gonna be front row to see that song played live. wtf)

[ music | the sisters of mercy, "lucretia my reflection" ]