Monday, August 21, 2017

give it a year

so here we are, heading towards the end of august and hopefully(!) the beginning of fall. me and my coats and gloves and love of long dark nights are ready. like, i won't even mind the flood of students returning within the week! it's a sign that things are rolling forward as they should, and also nice memories of when i first moved here 15(!) years ago. give me this city forever.

i've already bought my tickets home to kingston for thanksgiving weekend, so now i just have to book out all my shit for ring of honor in buffalo. after that, it's gonna be about laying low and saving money for christmas, probably, then looking ahead to the (possible) mother. fucking. europe. tourrrrrrrrrrr! (if the tour even happens - again, it's an if since they haven't announced anything yet, but they keep saying late 2017/early 2018 for the new album but only "if no one dies" wtf paul don't put that hex on your band - i've quietly upped my projected attendance at 8-10 shows, because i am actually insane.) no distractions, no exceptions, no stopping.

in that spirit, i've kept diligently rolling on with my german lessons, but i've begun to realize that i have a ceiling to what i can learn, and it sucks. that is, i'll never be able to sound like a native speaker unless i go live there for a while or something; what i'm being taught is high german (hochdeutsch), with none of the native colloquialisms or regional dialect/accents. so aside from the fact that i likely won't be able to ditch the anglo-ness to my voice (though i have started to land the rolling r's and it's made my goddamn year), i won't be talking like a native speaker either, which is going to drive me bananas.

i mean, so long as i can keep up in conversation with my german friends there, that's fine - sure, a lot of them do speak english, but not all of them (and i also want to be respectful) - but i want to go the whole nine yards and get fluent. however, i definitely believe that you can only attain language fluency if you go immerse yourself it in by living in the country itself, and i just don't have the money or the freedom to do that right now. like, if i was truly dedicated to it, i'd find a way, but i love toronto and my apartment and my job and i don't want to leave right now. i didn't feel so bad about leaving for vancouver in '07 because i was so burned out on toronto at the time and i needed a fresh start, but now, ten years later, i love toronto more than ever. this is my home. my dumb english home, but home nonetheless.

it's also a home where i have many friends to watch wrestling with:

get you a gang of fun-time weirdos (and cats) to yell at ppvs with. (by the way, smash wrestling's got not one but two shows coming up on september 17th, so like, get into it.)

in the meantime, sometimes i clean up okay:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

plus it's always nice to have a convenient window on the tats that rarely get seen otherwise:

every now and then i get reminded of all the tattoos i have on my back that i never really get to see, and it's actually kind of funny. the curse of being too wary of getting ink in areas that i can't cover up with clothes easily. (also: i'm adding to the rammstein crest. stay tuned!)

ugh god, i gotta cut that stupid hair soon. fortunately the appointment has been made for september, but now i have to decide if i'm going back to black as well. i've written before about how i'm actually, uh, allergic to (most?) hair dye, but look, i've pretty much determined that i will absolutely deal with a bit of a rash if it means i get my cool darker hair back. nobody ever said i was smart.

anyway here's your video of the day:

it's a great little song, even though it got them put on germany's censorship index for "supposedly assisting to spread dangerous BDSM techniques" (which i mean like, probably??). aside from the fact that paul is all shirtless and tattooed and smoldering throughout the entire video (paul can getttt ittttttttt), your thought processes will probably go from "wait, is that a ball gag??" to "wait, is the microphone a dildo??" to "oh god why does he randomly have a giant knife??" welcome to your introduction to our meister! he is both distinguished gentleman poet (what, did you think i was making that up?) and gleefully terrifying pyromaniac, and we love him so.

two final things: got a laugh from the anon who wrote in my sarahah that "there's going to be a lot of broken hearts when you stop being single" - all those hearts better stop being so slow on the uptake, yeah? i'm not a girl who waits.

and lastly, to the sweet anon who wrote "i don't think i've ever known anybody like you" - you are fuckin' right you haven't.


[ music | billy talent, "try honesty" ]