Wednesday, August 23, 2017

high cost of living

hi sup? i am queen of good health.

so my readership has really been expanding lately, which i think may be one of those cause-and-effect things - like, if i write more, more people will read? or maybe it's just that flogging it harder on twitter brings in the people. hello new readers! this is me.

at the same time, i'm still aware that this place is kind of an anomaly, and it's funny that i've persisted so long in blogging about my whatever life. i know a lot of people who get frustrated when it comes to blogging - or really, social media in general - because they don't build up an audience quick enough and feel like they're just shouting at air. my response to this has always been to shift your perspective and think of it as writing for yourself first and foremost, and if you're lucky enough to develop an audience, hey, more the better.

and for me, whether it's ten people reading or ten thousand people reading, i'd still write. i need to do it, you know? it's my personal record, and it's how i sort my shit out.

"are you picky in what you write about?" i mean....yes? i really do have to pick and choose what i blog about, because this is a public deal and i know not to reveal too much of myself. i can only write about my own story, but sometimes my story involves other people, and i try to leave them out as much as i can, because some things need to be private and because it's not fair to them to make things one-sided. (this isn't a subtweet at anybody in particular, just an overall sentiment i've developed in recent years.)

so i try to be respectful, and also, y'know, it doesn't exactly serve me too well to tell everything. where's the fun in that? har har. (in other words: you don't really know me just because you read my blog, ihr lieben.)

but look, i'm glad and grateful people show up. i'm delighted i can give something back, if people like reading my dumb ramblings and taking something meaningful away from them. i'm hella awkward about showing sympathy or directly empathizing with someone's difficult situation, but if i can filter any bit of weird comfort through this blog, then that's what i'll do. i've been through a lot in my life and i've got more issues than vogue magazine, but i've survived this far, so i try to do what i can to help others get through their shit.

in the meantime, i ended the sarahah experiment, which was kind of a bummer - it was getting really hilarious towards the end. (and by that i mean people were sending in anonymous smut to me, which i was more delighted by than offended, which is likely a little off) it was more that the website was wonky and not that secure, and the app was slow and shitty, and i just figured eh, i'd rather not get hacked. always use dummy emails and passwords, people.

however! i still learned a lot about what the anonymous public think of me, and what i found most interesting is how many people think i'm some kind of intimidating ball-buster. which is utterly hilarious to me, because i'm the biggest dingus of a mushball you'll ever meet. but at the same time, it makes me glad that i give off that perception, because remember what i said in this blog post here: i'm a nice girl, but i don't want the world to know it, because i don't want to get taken advantage of. and i never forget that i'm alone out here, so i've gotta protect my stupid heart.

anyway, off for a whiskey tasting and dinner date later this week, then a mercifully quiet weekend, then probably the cne next week if plans line up. someone stop me from buying this palette, because i tried it out last week and now i don't think i can do without it? argh.

oh, but first!...yeah, another rammstein video. i mean, you can't fault me for enjoying writing about music again, can you? anyway, you know it, you love it, so here it is:

hello gang of sexy murderers calling

(paul with floppy hair! richard with glasses! i die.)

i think it's safe to say that we diehards are all a bit conflicted on how we feel about "du hast" ("you have"); on one hand, it broke them in america (no small feat for a band from germany that sings only in german, which was real bizarre in 1997; "du hast" remains the highest-ranking german language song on the billboard music charts), it made them like a bajillion dollars, and it spread their popularity far and wide (it was included on the soundtrack for the matrix). it still gets used in tv and film today. (observe)

on the other hand, it's forever cemented them as "you know, the du hast band?" (if you're particularly unlucky, someone will sing the first few lines at you while you cringe and smile painfully) obnoxious jock bros love this song. and since it's their biggest hit, a lot of americans think that rammstein were a one-hit wonder, completely missing the fact that they've put out six studio albums (plus a best-of album, plus a remix album, plus a rarities album, plus three live albums, plus an album that's all piano covers) and they've had over a dozen singles across a career that spans almost 25 years now. but i'm not bitter about that oversight or anything. sure, they're the du hast band. sure.

and look, it's...not their best song, okay? don't get me wrong, it's still very good (and the "hast/hasst" language pun in the lyrics holds up), it's fun as hell live, but in the context of the rest of their catalog, it's quite, well, simple, and not at all a fair representation of what they're capable of as a band. (pull up "mein teil", "mein herz brennt", or "frühling in paris" to start. actually, you know what, if all you know about them is that they play angry german metal, put on "frühling in paris" and "seemann" - the latter of which, i swear to you, makes me cry constantly - and see what you think. it's easy to go hard; it's taking a lighter touch that really shows how talented the six of them are.)

all the same, i don't hate "du hast" because, like many of us, it was the song that first got me into rammstein. i still listen to it now, because i like to remember the first time i heard it, and how till goes from angry german growls to full-throated opera baritone at the 1:31 mark and i sat straight the fuck up, like, holyyyyyyy shit what even is this band?? mind-blowing. and it is still is. it might get outshone by the rest of their (very extensive) catalog, but it broke america for a reason, and it's easy to hear why.

also, it's not even fair that schneider - the drummer, who plays the main guy in the video (the band members act the parts in all their videos and rarely use extras) - is just as pretty today as he was in 1997. like, he's in his early fifties now and he's still so pretty. god damn it, germans.

also, here's the video for 2001's "ich will" ("i want") which is meant to be a thematic follow-up to the "du hast" video but is really just a good chance to ogle how hot richard is at the beginning with the black eye and the cigarette, unfffffffff @ our handsome vampire lord (also still love you paul, i see you lookin' all intimidating and adorbs):

the above is also one of their most fun songs to dance to, by the way. i shook it so hard at rockfest, which is incredibly recommended if you're not wearing a bra.

alright, that's enough.

[ music | godsmack, "whatever" ]

Monday, August 21, 2017

give it a year

so here we are, heading towards the end of august and hopefully(!) the beginning of fall. me and my coats and gloves and love of long dark nights are ready. like, i won't even mind the flood of students returning within the week! it's a sign that things are rolling forward as they should, and also nice memories of when i first moved here 15(!) years ago. give me this city forever.

i've already bought my tickets home to kingston for thanksgiving weekend, so now i just have to book out all my shit for ring of honor in buffalo. after that, it's gonna be about laying low and saving money for christmas, probably, then looking ahead to the (possible) mother. fucking. europe. tourrrrrrrrrrr! (if the tour even happens - again, it's an if since they haven't announced anything yet, but they keep saying late 2017/early 2018 for the new album but only "if no one dies" wtf paul don't put that hex on your band - i've quietly upped my projected attendance at 8-10 shows, because i am actually insane.) no distractions, no exceptions, no stopping.

in that spirit, i've kept diligently rolling on with my german lessons, but i've begun to realize that i have a ceiling to what i can learn, and it sucks. that is, i'll never be able to sound like a native speaker unless i go live there for a while or something; what i'm being taught is high german (hochdeutsch), with none of the native colloquialisms or regional dialect/accents. so aside from the fact that i likely won't be able to ditch the anglo-ness to my voice (though i have started to land the rolling r's and it's made my goddamn year), i won't be talking like a native speaker either, which is going to drive me bananas.

i mean, so long as i can keep up in conversation with my german friends there, that's fine - sure, a lot of them do speak english, but not all of them (and i also want to be respectful) - but i want to go the whole nine yards and get fluent. however, i definitely believe that you can only attain language fluency if you go immerse yourself it in by living in the country itself, and i just don't have the money or the freedom to do that right now. like, if i was truly dedicated to it, i'd find a way, but i love toronto and my apartment and my job and i don't want to leave right now. i didn't feel so bad about leaving for vancouver in '07 because i was so burned out on toronto at the time and i needed a fresh start, but now, ten years later, i love toronto more than ever. this is my home. my dumb english home, but home nonetheless.

it's also a home where i have many friends to watch wrestling with:

get you a gang of fun-time weirdos (and cats) to yell at ppvs with. (by the way, smash wrestling's got not one but two shows coming up on september 17th, so like, get into it.)

in the meantime, sometimes i clean up okay:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

plus it's always nice to have a convenient window on the tats that rarely get seen otherwise:

every now and then i get reminded of all the tattoos i have on my back that i never really get to see, and it's actually kind of funny. the curse of being too wary of getting ink in areas that i can't cover up with clothes easily. (also: i'm adding to the rammstein crest. stay tuned!)

ugh god, i gotta cut that stupid hair soon. fortunately the appointment has been made for september, but now i have to decide if i'm going back to black as well. i've written before about how i'm actually, uh, allergic to (most?) hair dye, but look, i've pretty much determined that i will absolutely deal with a bit of a rash if it means i get my cool darker hair back. nobody ever said i was smart.

anyway here's your video of the day:

it's a great little song, even though it got them put on germany's censorship index for "supposedly assisting to spread dangerous BDSM techniques" (which i mean like, probably??). aside from the fact that paul is all shirtless and tattooed and smoldering throughout the entire video (paul can getttt ittttttttt), your thought processes will probably go from "wait, is that a ball gag??" to "wait, is the microphone a dildo??" to "oh god why does he randomly have a giant knife??" welcome to your introduction to our meister! he is both distinguished gentleman poet (what, did you think i was making that up?) and gleefully terrifying pyromaniac, and we love him so.

two final things: got a laugh from the anon who wrote in my sarahah that "there's going to be a lot of broken hearts when you stop being single" - all those hearts better stop being so slow on the uptake, yeah? i'm not a girl who waits.

and lastly, to the sweet anon who wrote "i don't think i've ever known anybody like you" - you are fuckin' right you haven't.


[ music | billy talent, "try honesty" ]

Thursday, August 17, 2017

into the habit

so, makeup and profanity aside, i did want to mention the nice reaction i got to my post about how i live my strange little life. it's always a worthwhile thing to know that sometimes i can write stuff that's good for other people too. i mentioned that back in march, after i came off my short hiatus, and i said, "honestly, i've always put myself out there through this because i want to know i'm not alone in how i'm feeling, and it's absolutely rewarding when i get responses of 'you're not alone, i feel/have felt that way too' from other people." so, this is one of those good things.

there's just a lot of stuff that i'm glad about right now, you know? i live in toronto, and i love toronto, and there is so much good wrestling out there all the time, and the toronto wrestling community blows my mind constantly, and my beloved german metal dilf squad will likely have a new album/tour next year, and i've got some bomb-ass new coats for the fall, and i'm closing in on half-fluency in deutsch, and i'm gunning for an epic europe trip in 2018, and i've got the freedom that keeps me fucking alive.

so the world is going to hell, sure, but i swear i'm gonna go down fighting and screaming and living for every second of it. try to do the same, if you can.

...and do it in a kenny omega t-shirt, too, if you can:

it's funny how it can still amaze me that i'm doing all this, you know? like, i have a life and a career and a nice apartment, and i take care of my shit all on my own, every day. some people really struggle with independence, and i'm not looking down on that, but it's honestly never been an issue with me. (my father could tell you stories. "you've always needed your space," he says.) it's something i take a little dumb pride in, anyway, that i take care of myself.

(i mean, i know it's a small thing, being proud of regular adulting, but when you're me, your everyday brain is wracked with anxiety about what you might fuck up next - to the point that elaborate scenarios get imagined, none of which could ever happen - so everyday victories are still valid victories)

but the wrestling entertainment train rolls on, with wwe trivia happening last night with likely the most packed house yet:

i mean, seriously, passersby were so interested and confused with what was going on in the bar. we were a good rowdy bunch, and my team placed for the first time (we were initially given third place, later/unofficially rectified to second because i answered a tiebreaker question legitimately correct), and we all got prizes. but honestly, it's always just such a riot to get together with this regular group of smarks and weirdos and hang out for an evening. i feel that way about indy wrestling shows here too, and even the bigger wwe or roh shows - you'll pretty much always see the same people at these things, and for the most part they are good people, which makes it a fun little community to be a part of. i'm thankful.

still on that topic, it's takeover/summerslam weekend coming up in a couple days, although my friends are out of town saturday so i'll likely be watching nxt takeover at home, where no one can see me embarrass myself with how excited i am to see adam cole (baybay), let alone the rumoured "roh stable" that might occur. like, holy shit, i'll die. thank god for there always being wrestling to watch. (my september is filling up so, so fast with wrestling-related events and good times. it's the best to have something to look forward to.)

by the way, i know i mentioned on twitter that i re-downloaded tinder and bumble, but yeah, uh....that lasted two days before i deleted them both again. burn dating apps down and salt the earth so nothing ever grows there again.

(also, someone on sarahah asked me if i'd do a long-distance relationship, and hahahaha oh god no. i'm an insufferable angst-ridden dope of a romantic, which means ldrs are like catnip to me, which means they are the single worst thing i could ever do to myself. again.)

okay, that's it for now. i'll be on the podcast later tonight, so tune in if you want to hear my weird canadian voice ranting about wrestling. be good.

p.s. i've posted this one before but here it is again because i'm very sure my new religion is the way till sings "mein vater warrrrrrr genau wie ich" at 3:14 (plus! listen to the post-chorus guitar breakdown at 1:25! go vampire guitar bros go!):

i'm pretty sure i'm gonna highlight at least one rammstein song per blog post at this rate. sorry, not sorry.

p.p.s. oh, and the gloves have been ordered:

gimmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (it has not been lost on me that i'm a paul girl, yet i'm dressing like richard this fall. yeah, look, i dunno either)

p.p.p.s. number of bras my nipple piercings have begun to eat through due to friction: 1.

[ music | rammstein, "halleluja" ]

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

lip gloss and black

hello and welcome to another edition of caitlin's makeup/beauty stash n' bullshit. in case you missed last month's, this is where i write about beauty products i've been digging lately, give & solicit recommendations, and generally be as self-effacing, irreverent and foul-mouthed as usual. wooooo! gimme free stuff, jerks.

(to be frank, i'm trying to keep the hell away from sephora right now because they have a 4x the points special going on right now, and my bathroom surfaces are already groaning under the weight of all the products i've got. i do not need anything more, for fuck's sake.)

as our good guy sami zayn would say, let's go!

benefit gimme brow volumizing fiber gel

my eyebrows have had an interesting history; they've always come in thick and black (v. frustrating, as i'm a brunette who would kill to have inherited her scottish father's naturally black hair) to the point where i more or less have a unibrow if i don't tame them. sadly, even though thick eyebrows are very in right now, i've been plucking and shaping my brows for so long now (all the way back to when a "friend" commented that "your eyebrows would look so much better if you plucked them" cool thanks bitch) that i can't go back. here's a great example of how nonexistent my brows used to be:

(the purple dress will never die.) (this photo was taken in 2006 and fuck you i can still fit into that dress.)

so right now, i can at least avoid the uber-thin, barely visible slashes that i had throughout my twenties and use this brow gel to pump up what i've got. it's really subtle and does a great job filling in where my brows come in sparse (notably right above the bridge of my nose). at least my shaping skills do a good enough job that one of my former boyfriends actually assumed that that's their natural state. yesssssssssss

marc jacobs highliner gel eye crayon (in blacquer)

this is it - my secret weapon, my desert-island makeup item. a while back, my longtime favourite waterproof black kohl eyeliner (which shall go unnamed) changed its formula and ended up being way weaker and more fade-prone. so the search was on for a new one, and it had to be a pencil (i can do liquid but i prefer not to, since it can be finicky to apply and i'm lazy as fuck), and it had to be waterproof to stand up to my oily skin. lucky for me, i'd previously gotten a sample pencil of the marc jacobs gel crayon, and it worked like a charm. i honestly burn through one of these every month and a half or so.

word of warning: this shit will not budge unless you go at it hard with waterproof makeup remover. (i still do get a bit of smudging/running in the corners of my eyes, though, but only because of the aforementioned oily skin. blorf.)

also on the forbidden want list: the matching marc jacobs blacquer lipstick. fuck yes you know i want it. i mean, what do you expect when i chose this as my free lipstick at mac a few weeks back:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

i mean, obviously.

make up for ever artist palette volume 1

this was the first "real" eyeshadow palette i bought, and i agonized over that goddamn decision, let me tell you. i knew i wanted to splash out on a solid basic palette, but one of good quality. after a ton of research, back in december i took a deep breath and chose the basic mufa palette, and i'm damn sure i chose well - it's the one palette in my collection that i've ended up using the most (and i have five palettes now). it has a pretty "rose gold" purple, a brown with little gold flecks, a gold that goes on like holofoil - and crucially, a jet-black eyeshadow that you can use to line your eyes as well (and you're damn right i do). if you need a quality palette with basic nudes as well as a couple fun options, go with this one.

algenist genius ultimate anti-aging cream

yes, i'm still on the algenist train, this time with the anti-aging cream from their genius line. it's probably meant to be a day cream, but i stubbornly only use day moisturizers with a solid spf (right now it's l'oreal revitalift triple power lzr), so i use this as a night cream instead and it works like a charm. again, it's not a cheap buy by any means, but sometimes you have to pay for quality and i'm pretty happy with the results (plus it smells amazing, which is always a bonus). plz keep my face from collapsing, or at least until we all either 1) get vaporized or 2) become part robot.

marc jacobs enamored hi-shine lip lacquer lipgloss (in love drunk)

...and here's another "i dunno if i should have bought this, i'm gonna take it back and exchange it, oh wait i actually liked it after all now i gotta buy it again!!" purchase. at $35, it's absurdly expensive for a lip gloss, but what can i say - marc jacobs makeup is amazing quality, and after i tried it i couldn't get this gloss out of my head. (i ended up buying this lovely buxom gloss in an attempt to forget about the jacobs gloss - and it did become the gloss i wore throughout rockfest weekend - but i wanted both, damn it!)

so finally, i caved and re-purchased it during a sephora trip that may or may not have been fueled by too many happy-hour drinks. and honestly, i wear it all the time. it's super shiny and not too sticky, and the colour is just spot on for what i wanted. yeah, the price was rough, but i'm still getting the bare-bones freelance years out of my system. when will it stop? who knows? (it'll totally be when my credit card gets maxed, that's when.)

that's it for this round. tweet me your recommendations! like, before we all die.

[ music | jimmy eat world, "bleed american" ]

Monday, August 14, 2017

spring bleeds in paris

hi hello me again! a quick second one for today, thanks to a post-gym wordbarf of inspiration:

so i mentioned it a bunch of times, because i'm a big ol' attention-whore millennial, but i signed up for the sarahah anonymous commenting platform the other week, and it's been an interesting social experiment:

i've gotten so many wonderful messages, but i've recognized an interesting pattern - a lot of them (and i'm not trying to be an ego monster at all, i swear) use words like brave and fearless and passionate and mention how i seem to have my shit figured out, and that i really live life to the fullest.

it's funny because i wasn't like that for a lot of years. i got stuck - and i have totally been stuck at so many points in my adult life, and probably my teenage life as well - and it feels like being trapped. it's when the pockets of deep depression hit, and when i drown myself in too many vices, and when i shut myself off from the world because i feel like i can't talk to anybody. it's a tough time, and the worst part is that i know, i fucking know that it's happening because i'm stuck, but i don't know how to get out of it.

except i do. because this has always been life's way of telling me that something needs to change, and i have to bite down and do it.

so here's what i can say to all those nice anons in my sarahah: there is so much value in recognizing what isn't working for you and deciding to change it. it's scary, though! it is scary as shit to change things, and it's terrifying to know that you're the only one who can. it is gut-wrenching and knee-weakening to realize that, whether success or failure, it's all on you - no excuses, no one else to blame. you are standing on the edge of a fucking abyss, and you are alone in this. you jump, or you don't jump, and you have to live with yourself either way.

but i can't live any other way. i can't put myself through things that i know aren't working. it just eats me alive. there's still so much that terrifies me, sure, but i'm always and forever conscious that we all only get one life and you never know what might happen today or tomorrow or next week. you have to say what you mean and do what you feel, and there's no time to waste being stuck.

of course, it can make me reckless with my own dumb heart, because i'll always choose my emotions over my brain. i'll never forget what my mother once said to me, because it was the truest summary of me anyone's ever come up with: "honey, you feel things so much harder than other people, and that's going to make things tough for you, because you expect other people to feel things the way you do. and you're not like them."

but oh god, it's the only way i can live, you know? my mother's right, i've never been like the others. i'd rather be a rollercoaster pinball hurricane of wild emotions than staid and level-headed and detached from everything. even if it means i get hurt, and like, that can happen a lot, but i've long since accepted that it's the price i pay for who i am.

what's the value in a life half-lived, really? do what you need to do, do what needs to be done, with no regretting anything you didn't say or didn't do. that's how you live.

so: you've got your one life. are you going to stay stuck? or are you going to do whatever you can to be happy while you're here? that's how i live.

(you know i've always wanted only the best for you.)

[ music | see above ]

free falling

oooooof, wow. full disclosure: i'm not quite sure how i'm alive right now? i think i've crammed more insane living and hard partying into the last two weeks than i have in the last two months, and that's counting the rockfest weekend. it's been a sea of wrestling and booze and food and old friends and new friends and long nights and early mornings, and it all feels good, you know? after so long spent in seclusion, saving money and saving energy, it's nice to break out for a while and remember what it feels like.

(honestly, i'm sure this blog makes it sound like i have a raging social life, but that's only about 10% of the time. the other 90% is spent by myself in my apartment and staring at the ceiling, basically.)

also, i mean, have you ever just talked to so many people that you mix them up and forget who you were talking to when you try to remember after? and then it's like, shit, i've told that same story how many times to how many people? i mean, pickling my brain and liver for multiple days straight doesn't help with that, but ah, ya girl has her fun.

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

if you want to win me over, take me to brunch (though please somewhere without lineups, i get so hangry) and then to a bar that has both ghostbusters pinball and cans of gin smash. for the goddamn win.

also, there was smash wrestling last night, and a combination of a lot of beer, a great card, and good pals to cheer with made it one of the best shows i've seen this year. i mean, i really only got this one photo of lashley and speedball:

i was too busy hollering my lungs out by the bar, cringing at the big spots, booing the heels, and dying at the comedy matches to really focus on capturing the memories. i've still got 'em in my brain, anyway. (i had a ticket for front row, but had way more fun/freedom in standing room with everyone) everything from the "what's in the box?" match to tag team table chaos to blackwood's black metal face paint (we all took great delight in yelling "derek, you suck!!" at tarik) to haskins and dux tearing the house down made it a super memorable night. add a hot crowd and saying hi literally every minute to like a billion of my friends, and i still feel the love.

then we went to get halal guys at what felt like an ungodly hour but was probably like 9 p.m.?? i don't even know, everything was pretty hazy at that point. yet, delicious:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

today i sort of feel like warmed-over death, and for some reason i woke up with a smattering of super large and painful(!) bruises on my left side and thigh, so i'm just hoping i'm not a werewolf or something. (thinking on it, i'm pretty sure i walked into a bathroom stall door at the phoenix last night, which is absolutely something i would do. not recommended if you bruise as easily as i do)

coming up is wwe trivia this wednesday, then nxt takeover brooklyn and a summerslam watching party with pals this weekend, probable dinner dates next week, getting ready for the fall (nxt! ring of honor! more smash!), no stopping no stopping.

lastly, here is a very good song for our times (though if we're being honest i've just had "frühling in paris" on repeat lately):

bless my forever fave paul giving 110% on the backups. i love him the best.

(a lot of people didn't know the above fact about the song, but it makes sense once you know that "links" doesn't mean links in english - it's "left" in german, and the chorus is about one's heart beating on the left, links zwo, links zwo, links zwo drei vier. it remains one of their greatest songs, and they have a fucking pantheon of great songs.)

okay i'm done, bye.

p.s. say something nice to me, anonymously.

[ music | rammstein, "frühling in paris" ]

Friday, August 11, 2017

like a storm

the coat saga, concluded!

so now i have two(!) options for late fall/early winter!

same same, but different. (the top one is obviously the velvet one, and the other is more of a gothy rose-print brocade, a little more of a deep gray than black) it worked out so well for me, given that i'd originally had a tough time deciding which of the two coats i'd wanted, and i ended up with both of them! a very lovely gesture from the webstore to just let me keep the other. nothing this nice ever happens to me!

how the hell is it still summer. i'm not even dealing with this. i just wanna wear my cool coats and get my badass leather bracer-gloves and not have to worry about sweating so hard i can't even put on makeup in the morning. ugh at everything.

look, geez, i've blogged about it so much, but i am a fall/winter girl at heart. 1000%. it puts me at odds with my mother, who loves summer and the sun and hot weather, but give me the brisk breezes and dark evenings and the feeling of change in the air. i am at my full strength in the fall, and i'm a good canadian girl who loves the winter, so man, get august outta here already (as well as the annual fucking heat wave that always hits in september). i have a lot of plans. big plans.

doesn't mean i still shouldn't buy that bikini i want while it's on sale, though. sigh.

in the meantime, august at least means i can celebrate my five-year(!) anniversary of moving into my sweet little bachelorette pad! it's been a very good home for me, even if i really should have bit the bullet and just gotten a goddamn air conditioning unit installed already. (again, another reason why i'm happy it hasn't been blistering hot yet this summer - i only have two small fans, help)

i could never give up this view. even if it's basically just mississauga:

otherwise, funtimes brunch date is tomorrow, along with a trip to the waterfront night market which, like the ex, is becoming one of my favourite yearly things to do in toronto. it was great, crowded, delicious fun last year, and although it's a bit of a trek all the way out to the port lands (especially coming from me, girl who would prefer to avoid sound academy or whatever it's called now at all costs), it's more or less worth it.

also and lastly, i caved to the ~trendz~ and signed up for that anonymous comment platform (i swear one of those things becomes popular every six months or so; i didn't have formspring but it's kind of the same thing). anonymously tell me what you think of me, frequent readership! i know you're all out there.

so far i've gotten some very sweet messages as well as some asking me about who my crushes are and who i'd date (haaaaaaahahahahaha i wrote an entire blog post about this, you jerks), some hilarious ones (abject delight at the one that said "you're stupid cute" awww), and my personal favourite, "cool butt". thank you! my butt is pretty okay.

yet this one won me over forever:

the way to my heart is ashley remington references. keep that in mind, darlings.

p.s. oh that's fine that's just fucking fine i didn't need my heart in one piece anyway:

[ music | none ]

Thursday, August 10, 2017

chase the shadows

i survived two straight nights of wrestling! but like, barely. i still feel like i've been hit by a goddamn bus today. i don't think i could have done a triple-header like i did last november (nxt takeover / survivor series / raw), but it was still a shit ton of fun. how could it not be? wrestling, motherfuckers!!!

thumbs up to garbage public bathroom lighting:

i just wanna be the girl with the shortest shorts

if you're a wrestling fan, i don't care how jaded you are - it's impossible not to get at least a bit excited at a wwe show, especially if they're a televised event. if anything, it's so cool to walk around the downtown core and see a smattering of wrestler's t-shirts in the crowd. it's our people, and none of us have any shame about wearing our merch out in public. (well, some of us have shame, and some of us need a bit of shame, but que sera sera. you do you, friends)

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

since day 1 was holiday monday, it seemed a bit quieter than it should have been - people still filing in from out of town, maybe? - but i'd like to think we made for an admirable crowd on tv. (i haven't watched back either shows, but maybe i will when they rerun on the weekend; i have a weird thing about watching or listening to things that i was at or taking part in. part of it is because i don't like listening to my own voice - cool job choosing a past profession that included a lot of transcribing, me! - but i don't know, seeing video is weird too. even with the rammstein video from montebello, i've only ever watched it like, once? it feels too surreal. i'd rather watch the paris dvd than the actual concert i was at, what.)

i'm still pretty sad i didn't get to see the hardy boyz - jeff is one of the last on my list of "wrestlers i need to see live" - but i got to see some of the real-person tumblr ambrollins fanfic and that was good enough for me. hot.

night two was tuesday, which was back-to-work day, and although i thought that would mean less predrinking, uh. anyway, the plus of working right downtown is that it was a quick run over to the acc. downside is that you have to plan your outfit very carefully:

the air canada centre does look so cool all done up, though:

(i haven't been to a concert there in ages, but i have been to leafs games, and it's so insane how they can transform the venue. kudos to crew and event staff, always)

it's funny because both nights had their pros and cons, ups and downs and what have you - raw had more actual wrestling and was more fun to watch (it actually went by at a good clip!), while i got to see more of my friends at smackdown and make some new ones too. (a guy recognized the rammstein patch on my fanny pack and proceeded to show me his girlfriend's tattoo of their logo, while i showed him mine. we are legion / wir sind eine legion)

even though i was probably close enough to get a sign on tv, i didn't make one, which sort of betrays my concert-going heritage but that's a long story i won't get into. harrrrrrrrr.

but all in all, just getting to be with so many wrestling peeps is always a worthy time. it's more popular than you'd think, yeah, but it's still a real delight to be around people who are just as invested and dedicated to this stuff as you are. (i mean, it's cool to be around most of them. there are assholes and weirdos everywhere, par for the course of humanity.) plus, like, it's good to have somewhere appropriate to wear my bazillion wrestling t-shirts. (the guy in front of me at smackdown proudly told me he'd changed his shirt three times that night already, and i could appreciate.)

onwards to smash wrestling on sunday, trivia next week, summerslam/takeover weekend, g1 climax finals, buffalo in the fall, kingston in the fall, looking ahead to europe, no distractions, no bullshit, no stopping for the things that were never for you anyway. ah, girl.

[ music | rammstein, "wilder wein" (live aus berlin 1998) ]

Sunday, August 6, 2017

something fast

it's the weekend! three-day weekend (in canada)!

basically it is my time to grub around my apartment, unshowered with no makeup, and do laundry/tidy my place up. feels good man. (my mother, ever the optimistic believer in my life's potential, made sure to add, "well, that's fine for now, but maybe in the future you'll want to get out and do some things." nooooooo i'm lazyyyyyyyy)

i also really, really enjoy putting my phone on silent and turning it face down for as long as possible.

so pretty much my only productivity this weekend was finally forcing open one of my semi-closed over ear piercing holes (using an earring post, you weirdos, not a sewing needle or anything); it was only a bit messy, but i did the whole nine yards by wiping it out with antibacterial cleanser and putting in hypoallergenic studs, so it should be fine now. (and to be fair, i don't know for sure if it was even closed over in the back, or if i was just having a difficult time finding the opening on the other side - that was always a problem with that particular ear, ugh gross)

note that this is probably a dumb thing to have done myself, but it's not like i'd try it with my labret or tongue holes. the ship has long since sailed on those fuckers, sadly. (i.e. wayyyyy too much flesh to puncture through on my own)

also, long weekend gives me a chance to read (or reread) some of the better musician interviews i've seen in a while, with this one at the top of the list:

i loved nine inch nails, but never quite so much as i should have; i enjoy all the singles, but i think i've only ever listened to the entirety of pretty hate machine and the fragile among all their other albums. i kind of don't mind that, though, because it means if i ever really get back into nin in the future, i'll have an entire treasure trove of a back catalog to consume.

but the real heart of that interview is trent reznor himself, and just how smart he is about the music industry and his career and the longevity of everything. it can be rare to find a musician who gets it, and trent just does. it's a fascinating look at how he views his work and the work of others, as well as how he feels about the state of rock music today. (we all know i'm no fan of aging, but it's always kind of neat to see how your musical idols age with you.)

there was also this interview with my original goth old-man crush (i have so many of them now), the sisters of mercy's andrew (von) eldritch. it's from last november but i'm only seeing it now, and absolutely cackling at how sharp and witty he remains. "Most songs are just boy meet girl whilst with our songs it’s true there are also a lot of boy meets girl but someone got stabbed" is probably my favourite description of the sisters' music ever, as well as a very apt description of the kind of music i generally prefer.

also let's all remember the time i met von in 2008 and he threw me out of their dressing room. it was the greatest moment of my life.

ughhhhhhhhhhh i love him.

so we're now into august, and what's happening? lots of wrestling, my friends. lots of wrestling. non-fans of wrestling, beware!

first up is wwe raw and smackdown live tv tapings right here in toronto tomorrow and tuesday night. i wasn't even going to go to these due to have zero dollars (it should be no surprise at all that all my wrestling money right now is either going to ring of honor or local indys), but twitter pal/good brother eric stepped up with some extra tickets, so your favourite idiot (me) is off to see many hours of fine professional sports entertainment over the next few days.

then, more to come! this coming sunday (only one week from today!) is smash wrestling's super showdown (as well as the finals of new japan's g1 climax tournament), then next wednesday is the newest edition of wwe trivia. following that is the annual summerslam weekend, one of my favourite wrestling ppv events of the year - both nxt takeover: brooklyn III on saturday the 19th and summerslam on sunday the 20th - and always a fun time hanging out with friends to watch. (remember: if i'm live-tweeting and doing a lot of retweeting instead of writing my own thoughts, it's likely because i'm too drunk to trust myself to be coherent.)

and of course, there's plenty of ring of honor to watch weekly (plus we're one month closer to the buffalo show!), and i'm still doing the big gold belt podcast with the guys on thursday nights at 8 p.m. eastern. i might miss a few recordings here and there due to prior commitments, but for the most part my thursdays are free, so come hang with us. i'm guaranteed to start yelling/swearing about at least one thing every week.

btw frequent visitors, i love you and i love that you drive my daily traffic count up, but you may be better served by subscribing to my feed so you're notified whenever i do post something new? it's been years since i've posted more than once a day, and i just feel bad that some of you check back multiple times a day to see if i've posted something new. i don't want to waste your time, is all! i'm only thinking of you, meine lieblinge.

also, not that anyone cares really, but online shopping update regarding the stuff from this post: the steampunk vest was too big(!) but too costly to send back for an exchange, so my mom is going to alter it for me (having a master seamstress for a mother is the greatest); the rose-print kimono shawl was beautiful and perfect and i love it; the coat....uh, well. it turns out i got sent the wrong coat by mistake (the exact same cut and design, but a different fabric, and i had my heart set on the velvet one), but customer service was very quick and gracious to send out the correct item as well as a prepaid shipping label so i could send the wrong one back. online clothes shopping is a constant adventure, my guys.

alright i'm out. be good (but not too good).

[ music | fitz and the tantrums, "handclap" ]

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

nothing stays for you

check it! much like its author, this blog is chaotic neutral:

(people have asked me before about the all-lowercase thing; there's no deeper poetic meaning to it - i don't even like e.e. cummings! - i just liked how it looked when i started blogging like a million years ago, then never stopped)

so as expected, the previous blog post smashed my traffic for a few days, probably because 1) y'all thirsty (haha) and 2) it's a pretty common pattern that when i write a blog post about deep life stuff - especially relationship stuff, especially detailing whether or not i'm currently in one - people get curious. i mean, i think for most writers, it always is a little more real when you're writing about life stuff. i'm not sure, then, if that's why there aren't so many personal blogs anymore; plenty of thinkpieces, sure (and i love a good personal thinkpiece), but not so many regular blogs that delve into deeper life discussions.

as i've said before, one of my big goals with this blog is to be a three-dimensional person. you can get a couple of dimensions with social media, but it doesn't have enough width or depth to show the whole picture - and, probably, a lot of people don't want to show that. me, i've always been mildly obsessed with authenticity, so i don't want to just show the window dressing - the self-effacing tweets, the pretty instagram pictures, the surface-level facebook updates. if you're here, you get all that and also whatever deep, uncomfortable shit i need to work out through writing.

(not to say that i'm not a private person, though. i am. and i think that's also a common pitfall: that people might read my blog for a while and think that they know me super well, when they actually, uh, don't. again, as i've said before, two important things to remember if you read my blog: for one, i never tell the full story, and for two, i never lie but i am a very selective truth-teller.)

that said, here's a blog of fluffy stuff and nothing too personal. 'sup hypocrite girl?

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

(if you want to win me over, buy me lilies, they're my favourite. roses are nice to dry and have as keepsakes, but lilies are super fucking explosion in your face and i love them)

so in between life stuff and work obligations, yours truly was struck down by the worst of things: the dreaded summer cold. because i have a pretty decent lung capacity - fun fact!: i was trained as a vocalist for 2-3 years as a teenager, but it didn't do shit for my stress nerves or stage fright, so i never pursued it - i always end up with this deep, gross, wet cough that makes me sound like i'm fucking hacking up a lung when in fact i'm on the upswing.

but even before i hit said upswing, i was laid out so bad i actually had to stay home from work because my head felt full of cotton and i sounded like i had the plague. and i mean, staying home sick is boring. i basically just grubbed around and felt disgusting - so like, me on a regular weekend, but with the addition of a painful throat and stuffed-up sinuses and exhaustion because i kept being woken up by coughing fits.

you know, though, i refuse to be a mopey feel-bad-for-myself sick-y when i'm not feeling well. i haven't lived with my mom to have her take care of me for 15 years now, and the majority of those 15 years have been spent living alone, so i actually prefer to take care of myself. i don't like being doted upon when i'm not feeling well; i would honestly rather be left alone to be gross.

but then i eventually went back to work and probably annoyed the hell out of everyone with my coughing. i'm fine! honest!

in the meantime, i found the best fucking gloves to go with my velvet coat this fall:

oh you know it. (and you know i've already ordered them rather than wait for, like, fall proper? or for when my credit card stops screaming in pain? whatever, it's fine, it's fine)

one thing i could feasibly do in between the sniffles and coughs, though, was keep working on my german lessons. i even bought this guide to german grammar because i'm so shit at it (like, i'm getting better, but it's a slow process) and it makes me yell "fuuuuuuuck thiiiiiiis languaaaaaaaage". but i gotta get really good at it if i'm off to europe next year which, pending tour announcements, is obviously the plan. there's no way i'm going over there sounding like a dumb anglo. (my mother: "why europe?" me: "gonna go follow a band for a while." mom: ".....oh, honey.") i mean, i was doing this shit long before i had money, but now that i have money the chains are off.

on that note, lastly, gonna foist this track upon you because all of their best songs are "gonna fuckin dance and then maybe torture somebody idk"

bless that album cover (1995!). i can't believe our stately german dilf kings were ever so young. (they also all kept getting hotter as they got older, which really isn't fair)

p.s. bahahaha oh 2014 me, you sweet summer child. (i don't know what they're all even wearing in the screencap but i kind of love it??) (btw 2014 me, in three years you're gonna be front row to see that song played live. wtf)

[ music | the sisters of mercy, "lucretia my reflection" ]