Sunday, July 23, 2017

tonight is not forever



whew. been blogging a lot these days, haven't i? it's funny, sometimes i'll have months when i only post, like, twice, and then sometimes i won't even think to spread it out and instead push as much writing out there as i can. barf the words everywhere!

it's just that having a blog means having a more permanent voice on the internet, you know? it's not so fleeting as a twitter update or as lightweight as an instagram post (although i have both of those as well - click click). plus, i like my blog posts to have some substance, so that they can still be found and read months and years from now (and not only by me!). i like to make the visit worthwhile.

also, having a blog gives me a bigger place to exist in this massive digital universe. it gives me somewhere to be found, if that makes any sense. you never know who might be looking for you, or who might find you again at some point in time, or who might discover you out of the blue. having your own place puts your little marker on the map, and honestly, you never know who might end up reading your words.

anything could happen, but you have to put yourself out there for anything to happen. that kind of thing keeps me writing. (it can also tend to make me paranoid sometimes, but i'm working on tamping that down)

do i actually go outside and have a life, though? who can say? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (a: not really.)

in the meantime, found another "oh shit i relate to this so hard" thinkpiece:


gonna highlight this part real quick:

Belonging to a fandom is amazing for your mental, emotional and social health... Feeling as though you are a part of a “tribe” is not always easy, but finding groups of people with whom you share common interests is a starting point. It’s not surprising that so many people are drawn to fandoms for that reason alone: it creates a common ground in an otherwise divisive and disconnected world.

no word of a lie, i've been so involved with fandoms since, oh fuck, i was probably 13 years old? it started with video games, then moved to anime & manga, then i found rock band fandoms and my world exploded. (add wrestling to that now, too.) being a fangirl of something has been a seemingly eternal part of my identity to the point where i don't feel like myself if i can't fan out about something. it's not a matter of having a distraction from the "real world", mom - as the thinkpiece says, it's about having a tribe and having something to support and believe in.

it's been a weird go sometimes, though; i'm not quite at the point where i feel "too old" for fandoms (and i kind of hope i never get there), but i definitely felt more comfortable being a googly fangirl of stuff from ages, like, 17 to 23. but maybe it explains why i'm so comfortable in the wrestling fandom: because i actually have people again. being a part of something - and having likeminded people to excitedly discuss things with - is the key to all of it, no matter what your age. you don't feel so weird if you're not alone.

but it's hard to talk about being a band fangirl at the moment without thinking of all the other fangirls (and boys) - my people - who've been devastated by the news a few days ago that linkin park's chester bennington took his own life.


you can count me in as one of the people who was never a huge linkin park fan, but i respected what they did for the genre, and i was aware of how vast their fanbase was. (i saw them live back in 2007 and my notes say that i was thoroughly impressed.) so it was their fans i thought of when the news broke, and imagining how they must be feeling made my heart sink into my chest.

because out of anyone, holy shit, do i understand what it's like for a band to mean the world to you. do i ever understand what it's like to have a band's music save your fucking life. and i can't even imagine putting myself in the position of being a diehard fan of a band whose singer sees no way out but suicide. (this goes for chris cornell's fans, as well.) it's hard to read fans talking about how his music saved their lives, but it wasn't enough for him to save himself. (if anything, though, at least i've seen a lot of people encouraging each other to speak up and offering to be there and talk to anyone who needs help. it's a little light in the darkness, anyway.)

a tweet from the band thursday's singer geoffrey made a lot of sad sense:


the thing about me is - and i'm sure a lot of you know this already - i've gone through being a fangirl to being the media to being a groupie to being a touring merch girl to being a musician's girlfriend to back cycling through all stages over the last 18 years, so i've really seen all sides of the coin here. and i can definitely say that what he wrote above wasn't any sort of exaggeration, and it's far more common than you'd realize - in singers especially, but also in other members of the bands. remember what i said - it's a hard life, and i've seen the toll it takes, even as it's the only thing they've ever wanted. (sometimes the thing you want the most in the world is also the thing that ends up eating you from the inside out.)

and honestly, all i can say now is that until you've looked - really looked - into an exhausted musician's eyes and seen the anguish there about how they have nothing else outside of the band, then and only then can you fucking talk to me about how easy they have it with all their money and their fame. only then.

but in the wake of what happened last week, i sent up a little prayer to the gods of the alternate universe to protect them from themselves, or whatever else might happen, just please protect them. don't let me have to mourn any more of mine for a long, long time.



[ music | editors, "in this light and on this evening" ]

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