Sunday, July 30, 2017

the things i thought i put away

working on that makeup look, as promised:


used the anastasia palette for most of this - red ochre/realgar/primavera on lids, plus make up for ever's black eyeshadow to smudge-line the shit out of everything. lip stuff is buxom lip polish in gabby, aka the only gloss i wore all rockfest weekend even though little dirt bits kept getting stuck in it.

and now because i know how much traffic spikes when i write about ~personal matters~ (lol i see you creepers), here's a blog post of such things.


what i blogged about back in april - still a pretty popular post, for obvious reasons - is holding true: i continue to have zero desire to date. honestly, who needs it? my life is so full and i have so many fucking cool plans that would basically be derailed if a guy tried to shoehorn his way in there. so i mean, it does feel like a bit of relief that i don't need to bother with dating apps or meetups or the bar scene (do people still do that?) or whatever. it just seems like such a goddamn hassle at this point in time. freeeeeedom!

(like, i do still admire hot dudes and such, but right now i'd rather just do my thing and wait and see if anyone shows up rather than me chasing them down. my feeling is: if i'm actually inspired to shoehorn a guy into my life, then he's obviously worth it.)

(also, if you're a single male acquaintance of mine and i happen to be into you, you will absolutely know it. i am very blunt; i'm about as subtle as a bulldozer running over your face. so if i know you relatively well yet i haven't made a move on you, it's because i'm not gonna, sorry. there's not gonna be some kind of rom-com realization moment from me. i'm not trying to crush anybody's hopes here, i just really value having dude friends!)

like, i don't know how true it is for other people, but i've always sort of felt like i lose a vital bit of myself when i'm in a relationship. everything gets muddled, and i never really feel like my true self. i feel like i've got a bigger goal and purpose in life, but being in a relationship always ends up obscuring that view for me. (and i mean, that's likely a character flaw of mine. i'll own up to that.)

and that's okay! maybe it's totally okay that i don't see the end goal as being getting paired up and moving in together and merging my life with someone else's. plus, it's nice to have parents that don't pressure me about getting married (or getting into a relationship, period), although my mother is always quick with the "well, you never know" quips. when i talk about how much i like travelling alone instead of with a guy, she'll point out that "that would be different if it's the right person." when i say i never want to have children, she'll add that "you could still change your mind if you meet the right guy."

i think sometimes it's hard for my mom to see me as being that different from her in terms of what i want out of life. she wanted kids, so she had kids; although it took her a while, she finally met the love of her life (not my dad, but that's cool, i still got existence out of the deal). i get that she's probably just trying to be supportive of me by encouraging me to keep an open mind - and to be fair, i've told her she can come back at me with my proclamations years from now if marriage or children do happen somehow, someday - but like...i know what i want out of my life, and i'm doing my damndest to make it happen for myself. and i just don't see those things in my future.

here's the other thing that i dunno, maybe i shouldn't blog about it, but whatever: i have the deep-seated feeling that i'm never going to get married. and that kind of sucks for me, because i actually wanted to get married someday. (i say i probably shouldn't blog about it because it's the kind of thing that might come back to haunt me later, but honestly, i feel like "i want to have kids" is far more contentious than "i want to get married" and at least i don't want to get knocked up ever)

but something in me is just telling me that it's not going to happen, not for me; that if it was going to, it would have happened already. and look, i know a ton of people can/will refute me with the "never say never, you never know" comforting psychobabble - this is also my plea for anyone reading to not automatically jump at me with "aw don't lose faith!!"/"i felt the same way but then it totally happened for me!!" comments; i don't really need them and i'm not fishing for them, thanks though - but like, it's just not something i can see happening anymore.

it's like... for me, if i were to have gotten married, it would have been in my twenties. i'm in my early thirties now and i just can't see it happening. (not saying that people in their thirties aren't too old for marriage - like, we're not in the 1800s anymore - but for me, i can't see it. it's like a black hole. it's very bizarre but it is what it is.)

so i'm pretty sure that this independence is partially me coming to grips with this knowledge - that, you know, maybe i'm not gonna get that part of my life so maybe i should learn to be okay with it - but it's also a bit freeing, i guess, to realize that you're actually not under some sort of internal pressure. i was never beholden to some childhood idea of what my adult life would look like, nor am i at the mercy of my biological clock (the whole not-wanting-kids-ever thing helps with that), so i've got it pretty easy, all things considering.

part of being an adult (ugh, am i really though) is learning to manage your expectations, and so i'm not, like, walking into the sea over this. i'm getting over it. i'm really learning how to just be chill with life, which wasn't something i ever was in previous years.

here's a photo of a cat i like, bye.

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1 comments:

Tankboy said...

I feel like every single blog should come with this disclaimer (adjusted for boys / girls / however you identify)

"(also, if you're a single male acquaintance of mine and i happen to be into you, you will absolutely know it. i am very blunt; i'm about as subtle as a bulldozer running over your face. so if i know you relatively well yet i haven't made a move on you, it's because i'm not gonna, sorry. there's not gonna be some kind of rom-com realization moment from me. i'm not trying to crush anybody's hopes here, i just really value having dude friends!)"

Well put. :)