Friday, July 14, 2017

blown wide open

and lo, the word:

i try to be a pretty positive person in my day to day life; as much as my mother complains that i'm too harsh and cynical (i am), i try to be positive by simply not openly bitching about the negative. if i'm annoyed about something, i keep it to myself rather than broadcast it on the internet. i've mentioned before on twitter that i just. cannot. deal with people who only use twitter to complain about their lives, probably because i live by the credo of "if something isn't working for you, do what you can to change it". publicly grumping about it does jack shit except make you look like a pain to be around.

however! here we are, at my blog, and i'm not really sure why you're here (maybe you're not sure either) but now you get to hear about the myriad things that were making me grouchy:

1) the heat. look, i know we've gotten super lucky this summer so far, at least in toronto, because it hasn't been deathly heatwave-hot yet. but when we do get those days where it's smoldering outside, i'm a cranky girl. i hate sweating, getting sunburned (my fashion choices right now are compromised due to ongoing tattoo aftercare; i can only wear tops with high necks in the back, and it can't be anything i don't want to get smeared with ointment), and having my makeup slide off my oily face. heat rage leads into corollaries of grouch:

1a) lack of sleep. my apartment doesn't have air conditioning. i live on the 18th floor. heat rises, and i sleep very poorly. (also for some reason my idiot brain has been nudging me awake at 5-5:30 a.m. lately, but like, there's nothing to do)

1b) lack of exercise. i don't mind working out when it's hot, but only if the gym has legit a/c, and my current gym is having technical difficulties on the cooling front. twice lately i've had to abandon my workout early because i was soaking through all my clothes with sweat, and this is on top of missing a ton of workouts in the last few weeks because of letting my tattoo heal up. no physical activity means i am automatically grouchier.

2) being bleedy. i swear, over the last couple of years my dumb body has leaned right into all the pms/on-the-rag stereotypes - overly emotional, quick to anger, headaches, sore boobs (extra fun when you have metal barbells punched through your nipples, i'll tell you what), raging hunger for everything, cramps that could kill a man, et cetera. and it never used to be like that with me! then again, i was on the pill for ages (but i'm not anymore, so no knocking me up) which could explain it. but anyway, i blame my last bout of withdrawn don't-anybody-fucking-talk-to-me grumpiness mostly on this.

3) money stress. it's hard to be cheerful when you don't feel as though you have any leeway or freedom to spend extra money on stuff. and man oh man, in the wake of rockfest, my new tattoo, and all the other shameful spending i've been doing, i have less than zero cash for anything extraneous. plus i gotta buckle down even tighter if i want to make it to vegas for the ring of honor ppv in september. will i be able to live on so little means until september?? ha ha ha ha uh.

all that said, grouchiness is always very temporary with me; sure enough, the next day i felt much better. it was just 24 hours of hating the world and not wanting anyone to talk to me. still, i am so ready for it to be fall already. i want my cool coats and dark lipstick colours and resonant music to match the short days and long nights.

meanwhile i've been getting slowly, slowly destroyed by this song every time i listen to it:

honestly, i didn't bother with their ballads (power or otherwise, they do have a few of both) for a long time; i just wanted loud evil metal and nothing else. but if you give them the chance, they will completely fucking break your heart. like, just tear it straight out of your chest and rip it into tiny teutonic pieces. (i constantly burst into tears at 3:40 in the above song, by the way.)

exhibit b in songs that will ruin you: this (this! on an album with so many songs about graphic mutilation!)

there's a deep, strange beauty that lies behind many of their songs, even the loud evil metal ones; you might have to look pretty hard for it with some of them, sure, but it's always there, and i've never heard anything like it from any other band. never. it's this kind of thing that makes me really, truly happy i got the logo tattooed. i remember saying to my front-row buddy at rockfest that "there will never be another band like them, ever" and that is just so important. (the popular estimate is that they may go another five years or so before finally hanging it up, but who knows for sure)

anyway, can't wait for the new album! probably 10 tracks about methodically violent dismemberment and then one beautiful yet creepy ballad (probably about incest), as standard. love u german weirdos. you are my favourite of all things.

i need more sleep, or more coffee.

p.s. finally got my ipod back, fixed and ready to go (despite the fact that the touchscreen is now a bit janky, but i'm not sending it back for another month of repairs); did not have to pay any more than i'd expected, whew. all is right with the world again.

[ music | the kills, "doing it to death" ]