Sunday, July 30, 2017

the things i thought i put away

working on that makeup look, as promised:

used the anastasia palette for most of this - red ochre/realgar/primavera on lids, plus make up for ever's black eyeshadow to smudge-line the shit out of everything. lip stuff is buxom lip polish in gabby, aka the only gloss i wore all rockfest weekend even though little dirt bits kept getting stuck in it.

and now because i know how much traffic spikes when i write about ~personal matters~ (lol i see you creepers), here's a blog post of such things.

what i blogged about back in april - still a pretty popular post, for obvious reasons - is holding true: i continue to have zero desire to date. honestly, who needs it? my life is so full and i have so many fucking cool plans that would basically be derailed if a guy tried to shoehorn his way in there. so i mean, it does feel like a bit of relief that i don't need to bother with dating apps or meetups or the bar scene (do people still do that?) or whatever. it just seems like such a goddamn hassle at this point in time. freeeeeedom!

(like, i do still admire hot dudes and such, but right now i'd rather just do my thing and wait and see if anyone shows up rather than me chasing them down. my feeling is: if i'm actually inspired to shoehorn a guy into my life, then he's obviously worth it.)

(also, if you're a single male acquaintance of mine and i happen to be into you, you will absolutely know it. i am very blunt; i'm about as subtle as a bulldozer running over your face. so if i know you relatively well yet i haven't made a move on you, it's because i'm not gonna, sorry. there's not gonna be some kind of rom-com realization moment from me. i'm not trying to crush anybody's hopes here, i just really value having dude friends!)

like, i don't know how true it is for other people, but i've always sort of felt like i lose a vital bit of myself when i'm in a relationship. everything gets muddled, and i never really feel like my true self. i feel like i've got a bigger goal and purpose in life, but being in a relationship always ends up obscuring that view for me. (and i mean, that's likely a character flaw of mine. i'll own up to that.)

and that's okay! maybe it's totally okay that i don't see the end goal as being getting paired up and moving in together and merging my life with someone else's. plus, it's nice to have parents that don't pressure me about getting married (or getting into a relationship, period), although my mother is always quick with the "well, you never know" quips. when i talk about how much i like travelling alone instead of with a guy, she'll point out that "that would be different if it's the right person." when i say i never want to have children, she'll add that "you could still change your mind if you meet the right guy."

i think sometimes it's hard for my mom to see me as being that different from her in terms of what i want out of life. she wanted kids, so she had kids; although it took her a while, she finally met the love of her life (not my dad, but that's cool, i still got existence out of the deal). i get that she's probably just trying to be supportive of me by encouraging me to keep an open mind - and to be fair, i've told her she can come back at me with my proclamations years from now if marriage or children do happen somehow, someday - but like...i know what i want out of my life, and i'm doing my damndest to make it happen for myself. and i just don't see those things in my future.

here's the other thing that i dunno, maybe i shouldn't blog about it, but whatever: i have the deep-seated feeling that i'm never going to get married. and that kind of sucks for me, because i actually wanted to get married someday. (i say i probably shouldn't blog about it because it's the kind of thing that might come back to haunt me later, but honestly, i feel like "i want to have kids" is far more contentious than "i want to get married" and at least i don't want to get knocked up ever)

but something in me is just telling me that it's not going to happen, not for me; that if it was going to, it would have happened already. and look, i know a ton of people can/will refute me with the "never say never, you never know" comforting psychobabble - this is also my plea for anyone reading to not automatically jump at me with "aw don't lose faith!!"/"i felt the same way but then it totally happened for me!!" comments; i don't really need them and i'm not fishing for them, thanks though - but like, it's just not something i can see happening anymore.

it's like... for me, if i were to have gotten married, it would have been in my twenties. i'm in my early thirties now and i just can't see it happening. (not saying that people in their thirties aren't too old for marriage - like, we're not in the 1800s anymore - but for me, i can't see it. it's like a black hole. it's very bizarre but it is what it is.)

so i'm pretty sure that this independence is partially me coming to grips with this knowledge - that, you know, maybe i'm not gonna get that part of my life so maybe i should learn to be okay with it - but it's also a bit freeing, i guess, to realize that you're actually not under some sort of internal pressure. i was never beholden to some childhood idea of what my adult life would look like, nor am i at the mercy of my biological clock (the whole not-wanting-kids-ever thing helps with that), so i've got it pretty easy, all things considering.

part of being an adult (ugh, am i really though) is learning to manage your expectations, and so i'm not, like, walking into the sea over this. i'm getting over it. i'm really learning how to just be chill with life, which wasn't something i ever was in previous years.

here's a photo of a cat i like, bye.

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

[ music | none ]

Sunday, July 23, 2017

tonight is not forever

whew. been blogging a lot these days, haven't i? it's funny, sometimes i'll have months when i only post, like, twice, and then sometimes i won't even think to spread it out and instead push as much writing out there as i can. barf the words everywhere!

it's just that having a blog means having a more permanent voice on the internet, you know? it's not so fleeting as a twitter update or as lightweight as an instagram post (although i have both of those as well - click click). plus, i like my blog posts to have some substance, so that they can still be found and read months and years from now (and not only by me!). i like to make the visit worthwhile.

also, having a blog gives me a bigger place to exist in this massive digital universe. it gives me somewhere to be found, if that makes any sense. you never know who might be looking for you, or who might find you again at some point in time, or who might discover you out of the blue. having your own place puts your little marker on the map, and honestly, you never know who might end up reading your words.

anything could happen, but you have to put yourself out there for anything to happen. that kind of thing keeps me writing. (it can also tend to make me paranoid sometimes, but i'm working on tamping that down)

do i actually go outside and have a life, though? who can say? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (a: not really.)

in the meantime, found another "oh shit i relate to this so hard" thinkpiece:

gonna highlight this part real quick:

Belonging to a fandom is amazing for your mental, emotional and social health... Feeling as though you are a part of a “tribe” is not always easy, but finding groups of people with whom you share common interests is a starting point. It’s not surprising that so many people are drawn to fandoms for that reason alone: it creates a common ground in an otherwise divisive and disconnected world.

no word of a lie, i've been so involved with fandoms since, oh fuck, i was probably 13 years old? it started with video games, then moved to anime & manga, then i found rock band fandoms and my world exploded. (add wrestling to that now, too.) being a fangirl of something has been a seemingly eternal part of my identity to the point where i don't feel like myself if i can't fan out about something. it's not a matter of having a distraction from the "real world", mom - as the thinkpiece says, it's about having a tribe and having something to support and believe in.

it's been a weird go sometimes, though; i'm not quite at the point where i feel "too old" for fandoms (and i kind of hope i never get there), but i definitely felt more comfortable being a googly fangirl of stuff from ages, like, 17 to 23. but maybe it explains why i'm so comfortable in the wrestling fandom: because i actually have people again. being a part of something - and having likeminded people to excitedly discuss things with - is the key to all of it, no matter what your age. you don't feel so weird if you're not alone.

but it's hard to talk about being a band fangirl at the moment without thinking of all the other fangirls (and boys) - my people - who've been devastated by the news a few days ago that linkin park's chester bennington took his own life.

you can count me in as one of the people who was never a huge linkin park fan, but i respected what they did for the genre, and i was aware of how vast their fanbase was. (i saw them live back in 2007 and my notes say that i was thoroughly impressed.) so it was their fans i thought of when the news broke, and imagining how they must be feeling made my heart sink into my chest.

because out of anyone, holy shit, do i understand what it's like for a band to mean the world to you. do i ever understand what it's like to have a band's music save your fucking life. and i can't even imagine putting myself in the position of being a diehard fan of a band whose singer sees no way out but suicide. (this goes for chris cornell's fans, as well.) it's hard to read fans talking about how his music saved their lives, but it wasn't enough for him to save himself. (if anything, though, at least i've seen a lot of people encouraging each other to speak up and offering to be there and talk to anyone who needs help. it's a little light in the darkness, anyway.)

a tweet from the band thursday's singer geoffrey made a lot of sad sense:

the thing about me is - and i'm sure a lot of you know this already - i've gone through being a fangirl to being the media to being a groupie to being a touring merch girl to being a musician's girlfriend to back cycling through all stages over the last 18 years, so i've really seen all sides of the coin here. and i can definitely say that what he wrote above wasn't any sort of exaggeration, and it's far more common than you'd realize - in singers especially, but also in other members of the bands. remember what i said - it's a hard life, and i've seen the toll it takes, even as it's the only thing they've ever wanted. (sometimes the thing you want the most in the world is also the thing that ends up eating you from the inside out.)

and honestly, all i can say now is that until you've looked - really looked - into an exhausted musician's eyes and seen the anguish there about how they have nothing else outside of the band, then and only then can you fucking talk to me about how easy they have it with all their money and their fame. only then.

but in the wake of what happened last week, i sent up a little prayer to the gods of the alternate universe to protect them from themselves, or whatever else might happen, just please protect them. don't let me have to mourn any more of mine for a long, long time.

[ music | editors, "in this light and on this evening" ]

Thursday, July 20, 2017

at the end of the night

so it may be the goddamn height of summer but check out the utterly boss velvet coat i just ordered for the fall (+ early winter, but not too much winter because i bet you dollars to donuts it's not at all meant as a true cold-weather coat):

fuuuuuuuuck yes. i feel like this is the year i fully embrace my victorian goth fashion sensibilities. (r.i.p. penny dreadful)

two more pieces of fashion bullshittery that i also bought because hahaha credit card debt, what credit card debt:

fig. 1 because i've wanted a slightly gothy fringed kimono robe for ages now (and that one is absolutely perfect), and fig. 2 because i've had my eye on that vest on ebay for many months and its stock was starting to get pretty low (plus when a lip service piece is gone, it's a 95% chance it's gone forever, because they rarely do second runs). nothing spurs me to buy a thing faster than the words "only a few left" or "limited time" or "soon to be discontinued". gimme gimme.

okay so enough with my attempts at ~fashun~ (i am a grown-ass adult still dressing like she did when she was 20) - i read not one but two thinkpieces lately, and they sort of connected, and i wanted to write about how they both punched me square in the emotions.

first up:

this was one of those "oh god, i could have written this" pieces, where you relate so hard to the author that you find yourself vigorously nodding as you read. like the author, i too was a disaffected white suburban teenage nu-metal fan in the late nineties/early 00's. it's at the point now where i can totally admit and not even be ashamed of it. (i mean, for fuck's sake, i got a rammstein tattoo, and not, like, thirteen years ago. three weeks ago.) (they're not really nu-metal, though.) (i will fight you on this.)

but the author outlines the internal dilemma very well, or at least in a way that i also understand: it's hard to go back to your youth and recapture the deep love you once had for those songs back when they spoke to you as an angry teenager. or, as one comment succinctly put it, "It filled a need, one that becomes less needy in that specific way and can be filled by other things, but anything that carries that kind of weight in your teen years retains some power." holy shit, yep.

still, there's a real hit of nostalgia when you hear the songs that "made feeling weird, alone, and different cool" (i felt this a lot at rockfest for sure), and for many of us in the late 90's/early 00's, that was the much-maligned nu-metal genre. i cackled when the article specifically namechecked godsmack's "whatever" and korn's "falling away from me", because i actually just listened to both those songs a bunch of times, like, only a week ago.

here's a great quote from the piece:

It would be pure romanticism to say that nü-metal — that maligned late-’90s subgenre of dreadlocked style, down-tuned guitars, and hip-hop beats — provided a real sense of belonging to a scrawny, shy kid like myself. The irony is that the very aggression that drew me to the music often repelled me; I could sing (and head-bang) along to the tough-guy posturing, and I could enjoy an entire lawn being ruined in tribute to a rock star, but I could never really get in touch with my inner Fred Durst.

i didn't fit into that mold either, but it was because i was a girl. though damn if i didn't try, as i had been trying for most of my young life at that point.

i'd always wanted to like the things that boys traditionally liked, because back in the 90's, there was no internet to connect us and spread the interests, so it really did seem like there was a line between traditional "girl things" and "boy things". and for me, a chippy tomboy who wanted to seem tougher than she was, that meant really digging stuff like comic books, hockey cards, and video games. (as a side note here, this also wholly explains how i first got into pro wrestling when i was 15. it was still something that far more boys liked than girls, and like i said, we didn't have the internet to connect us then, so i thoroughly enjoyed being an anomaly)

so when it came to putting out intimidating airs, being a girl who was vaguely into goth and nu-metal and violence was it. i wanted some armour against the world, and i wanted something that made me interesting. and to a point, i'm still equipping that armour today - maybe more than i have in past years. but it's because i'm alone out here, and while it may put me on the defensive, it also gives me a lot of freedom to define myself as i want.

speaking of that, it's a good segue into the second thinkpiece:

this piece - the link to which i've been sitting on for a while, sorry about that - examines the current "witch" trend in feminism and pop culture, as exemplified by singers like lorde and lana del rey. the article spins it off further to examine the idea of the witch aesthetic, how it's changing and how it's being applied to so many areas of feminism:

Witch aesthetics also have more flexibility than weaponized femininity does. You don’t need to go high femme to get witch vibes. You don’t even really need to go goth: Almost any aesthetic can be turned into a witch aesthetic if you try hard enough.

as someone who's suuuuuper into the witch aesthetic right now (see, uh, the clothing i just bought at the top of this post), this is incredibly relevant to my everyday life. (and i'd argue you don't even have to try that hard to witch-ify an aesthetic!) yet it also hit on the idea of "weaponized femininity" which stuck one bazillion chords with me:

The idea of weaponized femininity is that girls can take all the things the patriarchy throws at them — all the limitations and boundaries inscribed on their bodies and their ways of being, all the things the patriarchy uses to hurt women and girls — and turn them into things that hurt other people.

as i went on to briefly explain on twitter, i'd always chosen video game girls as my heroes when i was a kid, especially since i thrived on the fighting-game genre. there was just something otherworldly and awesome about the sight of a pixellated female character laying the beat down on her opponents - male or female - and it was that idea of strength that resonated with me, hard.

it wasn't that i was bloodthirsty or loved violence (...or was it??), but i do think i was born with a lot of rage that only got stronger as i realized the limitations the world set on me simply because i was a girl. i used to attribute it to my tomboy side, but as i get older i think i've come to realize that it's just the way i made myself. i figured out what kind of persona i need to project to survive in this world, and it was the kind that weaponizes femininity to a full extent.

i'm rough and intense and weird and full of sharp edges. i listen to loud angry music and i scream at pro wrestling and i wear things made out of black leather and spikes and i have a foul mouth and i got metal barbells punched through my nipples. i'm a nice girl, but i don't want you to know that, because the world takes advantage of nice girls, and i'd rather keep my defenses up so that doesn't happen to me.

(that's not to discount those who subscribe to weaponized femininity while wearing floral sundresses and lipstick. for sure you count, too! just that this is my only experience, and my story is the only one i know how to tell.)

at differing points in my life, my mother has both told me "i don't know why you need to be so cynical" and "i don't know why you need to be so hard at the world". but what she doesn't get is that it keeps me safe. putting up the armour and the defenses and the public don't-fucking-touch-me vibe has kept me safe for the last 15 years i've been out here on my own. and even if it's all an illusion, it's something i've wholeheartedly bought into, and sometimes that self-confidence is enough.

also, this rings so true for me:

It’s the fantasy of finding an escape hatch from the things the world demands of women — the enforced prettiness and sweetness and sexual availability — and turning the rejection of those tropes into power.

the only thing i've ever really wanted is to have a bit of power of my own. and achieving that is a hard, hard thing when you're female. but maybe that also ties in with the first thinkpiece, and about how i was always co-opting what i thought were "masculine" interests because i felt like the association - or, maybe, the assimilation - would keep me safe. if i could be more threatening than the things that would threaten me, then maybe i could exist in this world while also holding my head high.

sometimes when you're a girl, it feels like the entire world is just waiting for you to fuck up and say the wrong thing or go the wrong way or trust the wrong person. so can you blame us for wanting to have some power of our own, to defend ourselves or to keep us safe? can you really blame us?

anyway, that's all i have to say.

[ music | the sisters of mercy, "lucretia my reflection" ]

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

touch it up

hello, it's me.

(i have long since had to get over the inception-like weirdness of having band logos tattooed while also wearing merch with that same band logo on it. might as well go all in, you know?)

so here's a quick little thing i've decided to start doing: once a month or so, i'm gonna highlight a few beauty products that i currently can't live without. this might seem like a weird departure from my usual yelling about wrestling or rock bands, but - fun fact! - i am also really into makeup and beauty products, and sometimes it's good to branch out and write stuff that 1) you enjoy writing about and 2) may appeal to an audience outside of your usuals. (if you are in fact here for the wrestling and the rock bands, it's cool, just come back later when i will undoubtedly be yelling about them again)

see, i am very, very susceptible to peer reviews. if someone i know on twitter really recommends a beauty product, i will likely try it. i am totally that person. so in the event that i have readers who are the same, maybe i can do that for them with these dumb blog posts? i mean, for reals, i'm not being sponsored or anything, so you can trust that i'm not getting paid for this shit. this is all stuff i actually use and love.

here's the first batch:

algenist power recharging night pressed serum

straight off the bat, this is some expensive-ass serum, but it is worth every penny. (plus you get a ton of it, and you don't need to use much!) my silly mantra has always been "my face is an investment", and so when i find a face care product that works, i will generally justify the cost to myself, like an idiot. but honestly, the algenist line is one of the few skin care brands where i can see and feel the difference the next morning, and when my recent serum (clinique smart repair, which is also good) ran out, i took the plunge on the pressed stuff. i'd actually tried a deluxe free sample months ago and loved the hell out of it, so it just made sense. algenist products are going to keep my face from collapsing on itself, i'm convinced. (please sponsor my life algenist, i love you.)

yves saint laurent touche eclat blur primer

look, i swear i'm not swimming in enough cash to buy a $56 makeup primer. (this is especially coming from someone who didn't bother with primer for like 10 years.) however, i did manage to snag not just one but two deluxe samples of ysl's star primer, and i am basically hoarding them and using them a tiny bit at a time. it really is a fantastically good primer - goes on smoothly and keeps my makeup in place for a lot longer. there's some little flecks of gold in there that help make things look more luminous, though, not sparkly. also a great primer if you're like me and have some giant-ass pores that need to get spackled over properly.

tarte pack your bags 911 undereye rescue patches

when i haven't slept much, you can definitely see it under my eyes - dark circles, fine lines, puffiness, the works - so i always keep a stash of a few packs of these undereye patches in my fridge in case of emergency. i know it can be hard to find undereye products that actually have noticeable immediate results, but i've found that these ones are little squidgy godsends. plus they can be used up to about three times, so long as you store them back in the package with the extra serum. i use them before i do my face primers and the results speak for themselves (ie. i don't look like a haggard monster).

anastasia beverly hills modern renaissance eye palette

this!! this eyeshadow palette is fucking gorgeous. it is largely responsible for the eye look i have in the photo on my about me page, and i loved that look so much that i legit went out and bought the palette a couple weeks later. it also led to me realizing how much i'm into deep pink/red eyeshadows; they just look so fucking striking and badass. add in plenty of warm oranges, browns/nudes and sparkly golds, and this is a palette to treasure. for what it's worth, the urban decay naked heat palette is out now with many of the same shades, but i'll keep my anastasia palette, thanks.

it was also responsible for this eye look:

(full video here, yours truly shows up at around 3:34) anyway, it's a super versatile palette and i haven't even begun to scratch the surface of what i can do with it. (also: sponge applicators 4 life. get outta here, poofy brushes.)

kat von d everlasting love liquid lipstick (in bow n arrow)

oh, the saga of me and this lipstick. when i ordered my first tube, i thought there was a little too much brown in it (it's advertised as "fawn nude") and ended up taking it back to exchange for sanctuary ("coffee nude") because i prefer a little more purple in my lip makeup. but then i had a bunch of doubts, and every time i went into sephora afterwards, i would slap on some bow n arrow and really like how it looked after all. so i caved and bought it (again) and i've found that i'm wearing it at least 3-4 days a week.

now, i'm not the biggest fan of kvd's lipsticks - the studded kiss line (i have vampira and wonderchilde) always pills on my lips and goes on streaky - and honestly, these liquid lips aren't "everlasting" (sanctuary honestly only lasts a few hours before wearing off and causing the dreaded lip outline, but bow n arrow at least makes it a couple extra hours because it's more nude). but i'm really digging matte lips right now, and bow n arrow just works for so many of my outfits. it also doesn't hurt that one of my favourite beauty bloggers uses it as her standard.

lastly, special shoutout this month to tattoo goo for being the only aftercare product i trust whenever i get a new tattoo. 15 years and counting!

alright that's it for now. got makeup/beauty product recommendations for me? tweet 'em (remember, i said i'm really susceptible to recos)

blue lipstick not as standard. (though it should be.)

[ music | none ]

Monday, July 17, 2017

bleed like me

woooooooooo change of plans for the fall~

so ring of honor just announced they'd be doing three dates for a global wars tour in october, and the first one is in buffalo on october 12th. that's....significantly closer to me than my planned las vegas trip. and cheaper. and only an extra two weeks' wait.

so yeah, executive decision: i'm gonna bail on las vegas and just go to buffalo instead.

(i may be the only person in the history of the universe to choose buffalo over vegas.)

tons of reasons swayed me, chief among them the cost (i've been having a shit ton of money stress about trying to afford a trip that'll be at least $1000, and compare that to maybe $100 for buffalo, and yeahhhhhh), the method of travel (i have also been stressing big time about having to fly anywhere, and i can just take the bus to buffalo), and the fact that i actually won't be alone if i go to the buffalo show - i have friends there going too, unlike vegas. also! the buffalo roh show takes place the week of my birthday - three days afterward, in fact - which could make it a fun post-birthday trip as well. i'd just take the whole week off to do kingston/thankgiving followed by buffalo fun times!

so yeah, it sucks that i'll have to eat the cost on the vegas tickets and hotel deposit, but there's still the chance i could successfully resell the tickets (plus i'm gonna end up saving soooooo much money here). one other downside is that i'll be missing out on two shows in vegas - plus one of them is a pay-per-view special - but like, it's fine. it actually feels like a huge weight off my chest to know i don't have to worry anymore about costs or flying or the cost of flying, so that's a good sign.

also it is hilarious how relieved my parents are by this news. (my father's immediate response: "good.")

closer to the homefront, here's a few pics from smash wrestling's show on sunday night (front row for wrestling is just as good for photos as front row for concerts):

also, a popular tweet!

i know i've blogged about it before, but it's really so cool to have a local indy promotion to attend and support, especially when there's basically a whole crew of you regulars that see each other at these events like once a month. the shows don't break the bank, the setup is great, and it's just fun to be a part of something. i'm sure there are a bunch of thought pieces and dissertations written about finding your tribe or whatever, but it's a very true human thing. once you've kind of got a place to belong and people to belong with, it just makes things so much more fun. (i'm lucky enough that i have two places - the music and the wrestling - with a nominal third place being the marvel puzzle quest community, since i'm an alliance commander. so much nerdosity and i love it all)

it's also really, really nice to log in on the weekends or whenever and see so many of my friends across the country at a wrestling show together, or getting together to watch a ppv or special. everybody gets to talking about this stuff and it fills my heart with such joy that something like wrestling can bring so many people together. so mushy! i'm gross.

speaking of wrestling - great segue, me - as always, you can catch me with the guys on the big gold belt podcast on thursday nights at 8 p.m. eastern, talking graps and making wry comments:

it's good for me to break out of my comfort zone and do/try new things, you know? i'd always shied away from doing anything vocal, since i never thought i was the best public speaker - i tend to get nervous, and i usually speak very quickly anyway - but the best way to conquer fear is to keep doing the thing you're afraid of, right? plus it's not hard at all for me to talk about pro wrestling for an hour, come on now.

with that, i'm off to watch even more wrestling tonight - the regular monday night raw (which i now do have to tune in for regularly so i can keep up with the conversation on the podcast). everything rolls on.

[ music | tv in the background ]

Friday, July 14, 2017

blown wide open

and lo, the word:

i try to be a pretty positive person in my day to day life; as much as my mother complains that i'm too harsh and cynical (i am), i try to be positive by simply not openly bitching about the negative. if i'm annoyed about something, i keep it to myself rather than broadcast it on the internet. i've mentioned before on twitter that i just. cannot. deal with people who only use twitter to complain about their lives, probably because i live by the credo of "if something isn't working for you, do what you can to change it". publicly grumping about it does jack shit except make you look like a pain to be around.

however! here we are, at my blog, and i'm not really sure why you're here (maybe you're not sure either) but now you get to hear about the myriad things that were making me grouchy:

1) the heat. look, i know we've gotten super lucky this summer so far, at least in toronto, because it hasn't been deathly heatwave-hot yet. but when we do get those days where it's smoldering outside, i'm a cranky girl. i hate sweating, getting sunburned (my fashion choices right now are compromised due to ongoing tattoo aftercare; i can only wear tops with high necks in the back, and it can't be anything i don't want to get smeared with ointment), and having my makeup slide off my oily face. heat rage leads into corollaries of grouch:

1a) lack of sleep. my apartment doesn't have air conditioning. i live on the 18th floor. heat rises, and i sleep very poorly. (also for some reason my idiot brain has been nudging me awake at 5-5:30 a.m. lately, but like, there's nothing to do)

1b) lack of exercise. i don't mind working out when it's hot, but only if the gym has legit a/c, and my current gym is having technical difficulties on the cooling front. twice lately i've had to abandon my workout early because i was soaking through all my clothes with sweat, and this is on top of missing a ton of workouts in the last few weeks because of letting my tattoo heal up. no physical activity means i am automatically grouchier.

2) being bleedy. i swear, over the last couple of years my dumb body has leaned right into all the pms/on-the-rag stereotypes - overly emotional, quick to anger, headaches, sore boobs (extra fun when you have metal barbells punched through your nipples, i'll tell you what), raging hunger for everything, cramps that could kill a man, et cetera. and it never used to be like that with me! then again, i was on the pill for ages (but i'm not anymore, so no knocking me up) which could explain it. but anyway, i blame my last bout of withdrawn don't-anybody-fucking-talk-to-me grumpiness mostly on this.

3) money stress. it's hard to be cheerful when you don't feel as though you have any leeway or freedom to spend extra money on stuff. and man oh man, in the wake of rockfest, my new tattoo, and all the other shameful spending i've been doing, i have less than zero cash for anything extraneous. plus i gotta buckle down even tighter if i want to make it to vegas for the ring of honor ppv in september. will i be able to live on so little means until september?? ha ha ha ha uh.

all that said, grouchiness is always very temporary with me; sure enough, the next day i felt much better. it was just 24 hours of hating the world and not wanting anyone to talk to me. still, i am so ready for it to be fall already. i want my cool coats and dark lipstick colours and resonant music to match the short days and long nights.

meanwhile i've been getting slowly, slowly destroyed by this song every time i listen to it:

honestly, i didn't bother with their ballads (power or otherwise, they do have a few of both) for a long time; i just wanted loud evil metal and nothing else. but if you give them the chance, they will completely fucking break your heart. like, just tear it straight out of your chest and rip it into tiny teutonic pieces. (i constantly burst into tears at 3:40 in the above song, by the way.)

exhibit b in songs that will ruin you: this (this! on an album with so many songs about graphic mutilation!)

there's a deep, strange beauty that lies behind many of their songs, even the loud evil metal ones; you might have to look pretty hard for it with some of them, sure, but it's always there, and i've never heard anything like it from any other band. never. it's this kind of thing that makes me really, truly happy i got the logo tattooed. i remember saying to my front-row buddy at rockfest that "there will never be another band like them, ever" and that is just so important. (the popular estimate is that they may go another five years or so before finally hanging it up, but who knows for sure)

anyway, can't wait for the new album! probably 10 tracks about methodically violent dismemberment and then one beautiful yet creepy ballad (probably about incest), as standard. love u german weirdos. you are my favourite of all things.

i need more sleep, or more coffee.

p.s. finally got my ipod back, fixed and ready to go (despite the fact that the touchscreen is now a bit janky, but i'm not sending it back for another month of repairs); did not have to pay any more than i'd expected, whew. all is right with the world again.

[ music | the kills, "doing it to death" ]

Monday, July 10, 2017

the waiting game

ugh, the saga of getting my ipod fixed.

miss you already

so, to gloss over the embarrassing details, the weekend before rockfest i fucked up my iphone and my ipod. we'll just call it liquid damage, okay? anyway, in a panic, i immediately took them both in to a repair shop in my neighbourhood. my phone, thank god, was fixed and back to normal by the end of the day, but i was told that my ipod would maybe take "a few days" because it would have to be sent out to a different repair location. this meant that i wouldn't have my ipod for the ride to and from ottawa, but whatever, i'd have my ipad so i could deal.

also fortunately, i still had the cracked ipod nano that i last used in 2014, and it still worked!...with the tiny fact that because the model was so old, my current laptop's itunes wouldn't recognize the device. so, i had to haul out my old laptop, get that shit up and running again, move a bunch of my mp3s over, and fight to sync my backup ipod for about an hour. but! it was all worth it, because at least now i've got an up-to-date playlist to tide me over under my actual ipod comes back.

but i digress - so i dropped off my ipod, juiced up my old backup one, and waited. and waited. and got no time repair estimate, even though i asked after two weeks had gone by. another two weeks go by, it's almost a month now (after i had been told "oh no no, it won't be a whole month" when i checked at the two-week mark), and i finally manage to get someone to explain that they'd had to order a part from overseas(!) which is why it was taking so long. it's real fun to own outdated technology, you guys.

(as an aside, i've had more than one person be surprised at the fact that i still use an ipod rather than just my phone; it's because i don't have enough storage room on my phone for all my music, and i don't have enough data usage available to stream it from the cloud. i prefer to use all my phone storage for photos and keep my ipod for music. plus it saves my phone's battery life - i listen to a lot of music.)

so, that's that. it's still in the shop, i honestly don't know how much longer it'll take to fix (but it likely will be over a month), and it just sucks that i have to keep following up about it. on the plus side, it's not a huge priority for me so long as my old backup ipod keeps chugging along, and also i'm getting a tiny bit scared about how much it's eventually going to cost me. at least this gives me some time to save up my pennies?

everything is bad, the end.

but here are a couple of positive life things!

first up, going forward, i'm going to be on the big gold belt wrestling podcast on thursdays! here's my debut from last week:

so yeah, you'll know me by my ladyvoice, my predilection for cursing (will try to rein it in though), and my tendency to drink during recording (will try to rein that in too). give me a couple weeks to put together a better lighting setup in my apartment and i'll start appearing on camera for the recordings, too. i've gone legit!

plus, there's this:

i, uh, completely finished duolingo's german lessons. like, done top to bottom in just over two months. sure, it's a comprehensive system in that you still have to practice every day (the web version stubbornly has me sitting at 40% fluency), but there's no new learning left for me in the app. therefore #1 on my birthday or christmas list this year is a subscription to rosetta stone so i can keep pushing further.

big ups to brad for sending me this vital john le carre piece about why everybody should learn german. because for one, it's a fucking rad and weird language, and for two, it gives you appreciation for linguistics as a whole. and, as i've written before, i have always been a gigantic nerd when it comes to learning languages. something in it has always clicked in my brain, and i love it.

meanwhile, i've been practicing - due to both duolingo and the grace of google translate - on the german forums of rammstein fanclub lifad (there are english forums too but they're not nearly as populated), and it's great fun. i've already decided that if(!) the band tours again next year, i'm hauling ass over to europe to follow them for a bit. at the very least i gotta make the pilgrimage to berlin for a show. it is the only way. (clearly i would - and will - do it in canada/america too, but i really want to experience the homeland crowds and not just a bunch of us dumb anglos gargling our way through the song lyrics)

so, getting really damn good at german now will definitely help me in the near future (especially because, as in university, my written language is miles better than my spoken, so i need to work on that). also: making european friends online who have already been very nice in helping me with my german, giving me the details on early ticket sales for next tour, and generally encouraging my dumb potential adventures. "was sie will bekommt sie auch" in-fucking-deed.

honestly, it's very entertaining to me that travelling to europe for concerts is even possible for me now. like, it's a thing i can do! i have the money and the means! being an adult fucking rules.

also maybe i will die. (do not assume i won't do something insane like travel to at least four of their concerts across europe. they're doing three straight nights in france right now and i am burning - hah! - with jealousy and fomo.)

coming up: gonna go see royal stompbox's double-bill of heavy metal parking lot and the decline of western civilization part II (unbelievably, i've never seen either, but i've wanted to for ages, especially given that i have a huuuuuuge soft spot for stories about the 80's sunset strip scene) on friday night, then this sunday it's smash wrestling's love life, love wrestling, #supportthescene show. good times ahead.

lastly, two things about my physical appearance that i used to hate but appreciate the hell out of now:

1) my oily forehead (hell when i was a teenager with heavy bangs and bad skin, but i have absolutely zero lines on my forehead now)

2) my small tits (i went through a period in my twenties when i cursed my very modest handfuls o' boobs, but after reading so many horror stories from women with large chests, i am very, very grateful for my freedom from bras and lack of back pain)


[ music | korn, "falling away from me" ]

Saturday, July 8, 2017

don't know what it means

currently of note: my highest blog traffic is currently on my tattoo story and my piercing story, but i kind of don't think i'll start getting regular body mods just for the traffic, thanks. (but you can definitely give me money if you want me to keep getting tattoos! i swear i would have a ton more if it weren't so cost-prohibitive. i am not copping to how much my newest cost me.)

a second, wider-view shot to show a better size comparison. 'sup chicago flag tat that severely needs a touch-up?

other than still being in the "flaking" phase (gross), the tattoo is healing beautifully - at least, i think it is? therein is the inconvenience of getting a tattoo where you can't really see it easily. (real talk: i was actually, briefly considering getting it done over my heart or in the center of my chest, but i was almost certain i would regret that later.) but i've been taking good care of it with all my salves and rinsing, covering it up when i'm outside (mucking up a bunch of t-shirts in the process, but oh well), trying to stay inside with air conditioning so i don't sweat too much on it (i forgot that summer is the least optimal season to get tattooed), et cetera. this is my eleventh go-around with tattoos; i'm getting to be an old hand at this.

it's funny, though, because even now i still do have a passing phase of oh god, am i going to regret this the day after i get a new tattoo. like, not before or during the process, which you think would be make sense. no no, with me it's always afterwards. usually i lie awake in the morning and go, oh shit, was that a good idea? i mean, clearly it's always a done deal, but i typically need a bit of time to come to grips with it, and that has happened with all of my eleven tattoos.

this really goes doubly so if you get a band logo tattoo. i've always felt that it's a sign that okay, by doing this, you are officially demonstrating that you are throwing in with the band and their fans for life. that's it. it's done. i guess that's why a lot of people take issue with band logo tattoos; tattoos symbolize permanence, and many people assume that musical taste is fleeting.

and i get that! i do. but, i think, what a lot of people don't get is what it actually means.

for some people, it doesn't have to mean anything, and that's totally okay! it's your body and you're the only one who lives in it, so you go ahead and mark it up however you want. but for me, at least, it's meant as a mark of devotion and pure respect, and to let me not forget who i am and what got me to where i am in my life.

i got moist's logo tattooed when i was 19; i got kill hannah's logo tattooed when i was 20. it wasn't just being young and rash; for me, it represented phases of my life that the music of those two bands got me through. and i really, truly, physically needed a way to show that yes, i have thrown in with these bands. i just couldn't get it out of my head.

so the only thing i could do was to get something to represent them marked under my skin forever, to show that i'm ride or die with these bands and their music for life. to show how much i appreciate and respect what they do, because it is a hard fucking life, being a musician. it is a hard fucking life. people will laugh at me and ask how i know, and look, motherfucker, i do know. i've been there with them. i've seen what they all go through, on small scale and larger scale. whether they're making a shit ton of money or scraping by in the bars, there are still so many sacrifices that get made.

and honestly, my dopey heart has always and forever only wanted to show them how much what they do means to somebody like me. so: permanence, on a small piece of my body for people to see, and a small piece of my heart for only me to know. (nothing in my life has ever mattered to me so much as the bands have, you know.)

i guess it's funny, too, how nothing has really changed with me in the last 13-14 years, as much as i was afraid it had. so that's a comfort, at least.

alright, it's video games time before i get ready to watch some wrestling ppv action with pals tomorrow. listen to the music you love, the end.

[ music | rammstein, "waidmanns heil" ]

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

under your skin

well, this happened:

it's tattooooooo numberrrrrrrr 11! (i repeat: never leave me alone with money and too much time. but not vodka for once, because getting trashed before getting tattooed is a bad idea.)

yes, it's rammstein. it's the cover of the raritäten 1994-2012 album, which i'm still not entirely sure exists in physical form anywhere - i've only ever seen it for sale on itunes and available on spotify as a playlist - but i've always thought the twisted wreath-of-thorns (barbed wire?) design surrounding their traditional R+ logo was just gorgeous. i mean, i saw at least half a dozen rammstein logo tattoos at rockfest - they are very common among the larger fanbase - but none like this. (i'm probably not the only one in the world to go the raritäten thorns route, but i don't mind not being an original. i'm one of likely a hundred people with the kill hannah logo tattooed, anyway.)

and lest you think this was a snap decision on my part, i was thinking about getting this tattoo back in, like, april/may, but i wanted to wait til after i saw them live. commemorative, or something. or maybe i just didn't feel i would be a legit enough fan to do it until then. (and then i had to wait until my sunburned back peeled and healed completely, ugh.)

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

as i said in this blog post, i've always felt that you owe the things that save you. and this band came back into my life at a time when i needed a band more than ever, so they really saved me from a time that could have been a lot worse for me. vague, i know, but that's all you get.

so look, rammstein gave me back something i sorely needed - something i honestly was afraid i'd lost, and it had been eating away at me for years. and to me, that's more than enough reason to get stamped with their logo for the rest of my life. (this despite the fact that they are the essence of a constantly controversial shock-rock band, and quite a few of their songs are hilariously offensive if you understand german. they are not a "nice" band. i don't condone it, i just love it)

also, as i said to a friend with a laugh, "i don't know how to really be devoted to something unless i get it inked under my skin forever." (this makes three band logos tattooed on my body, for those keeping track at home.)

now we're back to the usual aftercare routine i've gone through ten times before - careful washing, scent-free lotions, tattoo salves, the works. it's funny how i was always - and still try very hard to be - incredibly cautious with tattoo aftercare, yet back in 2007, when i got my abdomen tattooed, i was on tour with the bands and all proper care went out the van window. we're talking scrubbing it down with hand soap and paper towels in a truck stop bathroom somewhere in new mexico at 2 a.m.

holyyyyyyyyy balls though, is it ever hard to clean/lotion up the part of your back that you can just barely reach (and have to basically do yoga twists to see). i need an adult.

so this one joins the three other tattoos i have on my back area - moist logo on my left shoulder blade, chicago flag on my right shoulder blade, tribal tiger on my lower back - and it all looks good and fine. i'm still too chicken to get any tats anywhere that can't be covered up (although you can probably see my inner wrist tattoos even if i'm wearing a long-sleeved shirt), and i don't exactly have any cohesive pieces, but i'm okay with it all being a bit scattered and piecemeal.

it's timely because this piece from 2012, about a mother "grief-stricken" by her son's first tattoo, has been making the rounds again and causing everybody to get outraged. now, although it's definitely clickbait, i will say that my mother had...kind of the same opinion? i mean, she wasn't plunged into the depths of despair by my first tattoo, but she wasn't exactly happy i was going down the body mod route. she did, in fact, use the word "mutilate" a few times, and i recall her saying something like, "you take such good care of your body, i don't know why you'd want to mark it up like that." (i am the only one in my immediate family with tattoos and piercings; though if you widen the net, one of my cousins has almost his entire torso tattooed along with legs/arms and large gauges in his ears, so he beats me handily)

suffice it to say, i don't think she'd like this one too much - i can already deduce she'd think it's too harsh-looking and too big (it's not too big, but it is quite big) - so i won't exactly be sending her snaps. maybe my parents will see it around thanksgiving, maybe not. (i gather they both assume i'm past the body-mod "phase" but ha ha ha)

anyway, that's all. i'm gonna go throw some more salve on this ish.

[ music | phantogram, "you don't get me high anymore" ]

Monday, July 3, 2017

no escaping gravity

alright, so here's something: my big month of june is done. all of the stuff i was looking forward to throughout april and may is now over. so i was thinking, man, what will i have to look forward to once everything is finished? maybe i should just chill out, save my money, settle in for the summer and focus on home life and stuff.

yeah, uh.

hahahahahahahaha well fuck.

...look, here's the thing: i started seriously watching ring of honor in early 2016. they usually run two pay-per-views a year out of sam's town in las vegas, and they looked like a blast (though to be fair, all their ppvs are top notch - the talent goes all out and the shows are incredible). i really, really wanted to go to one, but given that 2016 was one of my freelance years, i had approximately $0 for any fun travel. so, i promised myself that once i got a job and had extra cash again, i would head down to vegas for one of their ppvs.

welcome to 2017, friends. (also, in fairness, i'd been saying all the way back to march that i was planning on going to the field of honor special this summer, but it got cancelled due to scheduling issues, so vegas instead it is.)

so i finally said fuck it and booked the trip for september. the ppv taping (death before dishonor xv) is friday night, and then there's a tv taping on saturday night, so i was able to buy a ticket package for both shows (front row facing the hard camera, even!). the event venue also has a hotel attached to it because vegas, so i put in a room reservation from thursday the 21st through sunday the 24th. not cheap, but convenient as hell. (let's have a countdown of how many wrestlers i awkwardly smile at and then shyly hurry away from because i am a big dork.)

all that's left now is to book the flight, but i'm still waiting on that because 1) i don't have really the money for it yet (plus i'm sure i can find a good deal) and 2) it wouldn't be refundable. i mean, i'm pretty much set on going now, but in the event that something comes up or i really can't afford the trip after all, at least i can still back out and only eat the cost on the show tickets and the hotel reservation deposit.

but yeah, like, i really want to do this? i mean, seeing war of the worlds here in toronto was a big deal, but it wasn't televised and it wasn't a ppv. this is gonna be a ridiculous goddamn adventure weekend to see two nights of my favourite wrestling promotion. (sorry, wwe.) (no honestly, it was either go to both raw and smackdown live when they're here in toronto in august, or go to vegas for death before dishonor, and i chose the latter.) plus, i haven't been to the u.s. in a couple of years now, and i am definitely down for attacking the nearest trader joe's, as per usual.

it's actually funny because i've been to las vegas before - it was my final stop back when i was out on tour with the black halos and social distortion in 2007. i remember being so thrilled by all the city lights and the fact that there's no last call(!), and just the crazy energy of the place. i even flew back to toronto from vegas, though i don't remember the flight only taking four hours (it felt like an eternity, mostly because i hate flying and also because i was so emotional to leave the band boys).

on that note, yeah, clearly i'm not at all excited about having to fly somewhere - i've managed to avoid airplanes for five years now! - but like, four hours isn't too bad, really. and it's time for me to grow up and start getting used to air travel again. i used to fly quite a bit, both back when i lived in vancouver and when i was working in pr, and after i did it frequently i stopped being so anxious about it. however, like i said, it's been five years now since i've forced myself to fly anywhere, so i'm not too stoked about having to do it at all.

but you know, not to think too much like a social media-obsessed millennial - although i am one - but at the end of the day, all of this stuff makes for some great content. it's fun to live vicariously through somebody, and it's also fun to see how much of an idiot i can be in front of wrestlers that i adore. (the correct answer is: a big idiot.) plus, like i said to my mother, i don't have a husband, kids, a car or a mortgage. it's not like i have to grow up just yet.

and maybe i won't, so there.

off to go enjoy the rest of the stat holiday!

[ music | none ]