Friday, April 28, 2017

devotional

one millllllllllion cherry blossoms.



(i definitely considered making the hike to high park last weekend for some sakura hanami, but noped out at the last minute. i'm okay in crowds - i would never be a concertgoer if i wasn't - but i don't particularly like people all the time.)



springtime means that people are starting to get out more and do stuff together, which inevitably means a rise in thinkpieces and stats about dating and relationships. but holy shit, dating is so complicated and weird these days that i'm truly glad i don't need it. i've never been a girl that needs a solid relationship to feel "complete" or whatever, which means i can distance myself from the dating scene without a second thought. feh. (there's also the fact that parties unnamed have cautiously advised me that i need to "soften my edges" if i want to attract a guy and not "scare them off", which i find absolutely fucking bullshit. in those very words.)

honestly, though, i've struggled with trying to explain it to my parents and how it's so different now - online dating, apps, changing attitudes towards relationships and acceptable behaviour - and at the end of the day i feel relieved that oh god, i just don't need it. my life is full enough. something will happen and someone will come along at some point, sure, but i'm fine carrying on otherwise.

(i will freely admit that much of this is because i am quite selfish and self-focused, which is also why i've never wanted to be a parent. my freedom is too important to me.)

it's funny - in an alternate universe, by now i could have gotten married, gave birth to a couple of kids, had a few pets, bought a house in the suburbs, settled into a long-term career over a decade or two. but man, none of that was ever something i wanted. i knew, all the way back to my teenage years, that i didn't want a comfortable, normal, conventional life. i was one of those dopey kids who made a pact with her childhood best friend to "never be normal" and damn if i didn't stick to it.

"you've always been your own person, even when you were young," my parents have told me, and they're pretty right. i've long been considered the black-sheep wild child of the family, and it's accurate. nothing about my comfortable, average childhood would point to adult years spent getting tattooed and pierced, running off after rock bands, and staying up til the wee hours pouring vodka down my throat, but that's the life i chose for myself. it was the only thing i'd wanted: a life outside of anything that would have been expected for an otherwise very average cishet white canadian girl. there was never anything all that special about me, so i had to make something special.

really, it's so cheesy, but one of the things i've always liked best about adulthood is that you can choose who you are, without approval of or influence from anybody. i like wrestling, booze, hockey, goth stuff, rock concerts and loud music, and those are all things i chose for myself to define my identity. (there's honestly nothing i've retained from childhood or family influence, other than a love for the leafs, but i still hold a deep love for a lot of things i obsessed over as a teenager.) sure, there have been interests i've picked up to impress people or to try and fit in, but those things all fall away eventually. when you're alone and stripped down to your genuine self, the true stuff gets illuminated. you have to know who you are.

for me, i mean, i'm just stumbling through life, but it's people and music and entertainment that keep me afloat. i have always put a lot of weight on the concept of emotional debt; i've always felt as though i owe the things that save me. it's what makes me such a devoted fan (and accounts for all of my tattoos being music-related), and it's always served me well. also, if you as a person have helped me through a tough time in my life, then you can be damn sure i'll be there for you no matter what. there aren't that many of you, but i remember the ones who reached out and pulled me through, or at least got me to a point where i could be okay on my own. and i owe you.

this got weird fast. hello!

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

[ music | rammstein, "gib mir deine augen" ]

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