Friday, April 28, 2017


one millllllllllion cherry blossoms.

(i definitely considered making the hike to high park last weekend for some sakura hanami, but noped out at the last minute. i'm okay in crowds - i would never be a concertgoer if i wasn't - but i don't particularly like people all the time.)

springtime means that people are starting to get out more and do stuff together, which inevitably means a rise in thinkpieces and stats about dating and relationships. but holy shit, dating is so complicated and weird these days that i'm truly glad i don't need it. i've never been a girl that needs a solid relationship to feel "complete" or whatever, which means i can distance myself from the dating scene without a second thought. feh. (there's also the fact that parties unnamed have cautiously advised me that i need to "soften my edges" if i want to attract a guy and not "scare them off", which i find absolutely fucking bullshit. in those very words.)

honestly, though, i've struggled with trying to explain it to my parents and how it's so different now - online dating, apps, changing attitudes towards relationships and acceptable behaviour - and at the end of the day i feel relieved that oh god, i just don't need it. my life is full enough. something will happen and someone will come along at some point, sure, but i'm fine carrying on otherwise.

(i will freely admit that much of this is because i am quite selfish and self-focused, which is also why i've never wanted to be a parent. my freedom is too important to me.)

it's funny - in an alternate universe, by now i could have gotten married, gave birth to a couple of kids, had a few pets, bought a house in the suburbs, settled into a long-term career over a decade or two. but man, none of that was ever something i wanted. i knew, all the way back to my teenage years, that i didn't want a comfortable, normal, conventional life. i was one of those dopey kids who made a pact with her childhood best friend to "never be normal" and damn if i didn't stick to it.

"you've always been your own person, even when you were young," my parents have told me, and they're pretty right. i've long been considered the black-sheep wild child of the family, and it's accurate. nothing about my comfortable, average childhood would point to adult years spent getting tattooed and pierced, running off after rock bands, and staying up til the wee hours pouring vodka down my throat, but that's the life i chose for myself. it was the only thing i'd wanted: a life outside of anything that would have been expected for an otherwise very average cishet white canadian girl. there was never anything all that special about me, so i had to make something special.

really, it's so cheesy, but one of the things i've always liked best about adulthood is that you can choose who you are, without approval of or influence from anybody. i like wrestling, booze, hockey, goth stuff, rock concerts and loud music, and those are all things i chose for myself to define my identity. (there's honestly nothing i've retained from childhood or family influence, other than a love for the leafs, but i still hold a deep love for a lot of things i obsessed over as a teenager.) sure, there have been interests i've picked up to impress people or to try and fit in, but those things all fall away eventually. when you're alone and stripped down to your genuine self, the true stuff gets illuminated. you have to know who you are.

for me, i mean, i'm just stumbling through life, but it's people and music and entertainment that keep me afloat. i have always put a lot of weight on the concept of emotional debt; i've always felt as though i owe the things that save me. it's what makes me such a devoted fan (and accounts for all of my tattoos being music-related), and it's always served me well. also, if you as a person have helped me through a tough time in my life, then you can be damn sure i'll be there for you no matter what. there aren't that many of you, but i remember the ones who reached out and pulled me through, or at least got me to a point where i could be okay on my own. and i owe you.

this got weird fast. hello!

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

[ music | rammstein, "gib mir deine augen" ]

Monday, April 24, 2017

but not tonight

busy month, busy month.

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

for all my bellyaching about how much i hate warm weather and the sun, even i - poster daughter for nuclear fucking winter - have to admit that i'm always a little taken with spring when it first shows up. i'm still never sure if i take more after my mother or my father, but my mother is a hugely passionate gardener/landscaper, and she passed a lot of that onto me when i was a kid. seriously, i was ordering flowering shrubs and shit from garden catalogues when i was eight years old. i had houseplants and a little garden plot of my own and a gigantic terrarium. for my first-ever actual job, i worked as a florist when i was sixteen. no kidding.

anyway, what i'm getting at is that i really love blooming things and green things, and so this is an okay time of year for me. walking around in the sunshine when it's not blazing hot is pretty, pretty great.

aside from getting in touch with ~nature~, there has also been wrestling, obvs. lots of wrestling. aside from the usual watching 10 hours or so a week on tv, i took in smash wrestling's new girl in town show a couple weekends back, and it was very likely my favourite show of theirs to date. just a stellar card from start to finish.

next up is the big one (for me, anyway): ring of honor's big war of the worlds show here on may 7th, and by the grace of some pals, i've got a second-row seat for it. it's actually at the point now where i feel like i'm going to know at least half the arena.

only a week after roh is two back to back shows - smash's have ring will wrestle and wcpw's world cup canada qualifiers - both on the same day, which means i'm strapping in for approximately seven straight hours of live wrestling. this is what i do, and nobody is surprised by now, not even my parents.

beyond the squared circle, i also made it out to see the reunited age of electric play the mod club, and it was a rad time:

never doubt my ability to shimmy from the back of the room to the front row by three songs into the set, at most. i've made a life out of it, after all. (plus i'm narrow, and i have sharp elbows.)

still, going out to see a concert - whether small or large-scale - is precisely what makes me remember who i am at the core of my being. put me outside at night with the city lights everywhere, plug good music into my ears, pump some vodka into my bloodstream, and it feels like it's the only place i'm meant to be. it brings back every memory i ever made out there in the world, when i was young and invincible and invulnerable.

i have a hard time explaining it, really, but kevin steen/owens gets it:

once you've found that ineffable thing that resonates with you, you're just fucking done for. nothing else will ever compare. you can push it aside and try to forget about it and go on a different path, but you'll always end up coming back to it, because it's what makes you feel fucking alive. it's the epitome of the bukowski quote "find what you love and let it kill you." at least, it always has been for me. (in a good way.)

lastly, speaking of music, i've had this on repeat lately, because i always forget how amazing and outright sinister as fuck it is. the line "let me hear you make decisions without your television" never sounded as creepy-good as it does when intoned with an ominous german accent. (this song was my jam when i was 16 - and, notably, quite a few years before i ever heard the original depeche mode version - which probably explains a lot about me.)

let's all get ready for me to die of joy in a field in quebec in two months' time! ("their concerts are like cirque du soleil, but in hell.") later.

(p.s. i found out recently that i'm a libra born with a moon in scorpio and nothing has ever made so much sense.)

[ music | none ]

Friday, April 14, 2017

cling to what you know

fouuuuuurrrr dayyyyyy weekendddddd

i'm one of the lucky ones, writing to you from my apartment where i plan to do nothing at all for this easter holiday weekend. my family aren't religious and we've never been big easter people (my dad mentioned that my grandmother actually "found easter to be quite depressing"), so i don't feel the pull to go home and eat a ham or whatever. at most, maybe i'll be a bit nostalgic for the egg hunts and chocolate binges of my youth, but that's about it.

(i probably won't be nostalgic for that year i gave myself an endurance challenge of trying to eat an entire two-pound chocolate bunny in one day, though. or the year i watched the series finale of six feet under and openly sobbed for twenty minutes.)

so, filed under "sometimes being an adult is an okay thing": i've got the next four days off, and as i mentioned, i have zero plans beyond the usual weekend errands and chores. i will probably be very lazy when i'm not doing yoga or at the gym, and i'll likely put off doing laundry and showering for as long as possible. plus any days off that give me the excuse to exclusively wear wrestling t-shirts are the best days:

marty has so many cool shirts, it was incredibly hard to pick just one. (i still really want the villain hat.)

my packages have been rolling in as of late, including the above shirt (plus a boss kenny omega tee), my bullet club patch, and my money belt (it's not a fanny pack, it's a lot thinner and and and...damn it, leave me alone). here's my patched money belt - i slapped the patch over the belt's brand logo, lolz:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

check it out in action (with bonus glimpse of my rarely-seen tattooed abdomen!):

i got the belt and patch separately, but i mean, clearly i'm going with the ability to rep bullet club on my hip all festival weekend. i'll be over the moon if i can deliver a few too-sweets while i'm there, too. (it's also not inconceivable that this crowd will actually recognize my right arm's tattoo for what it is - the kill hannah "sniper heart" logo)

anyway, the belt is so i can keep my valuables on my person while also keeping my hands free (and also adhering to rockfest's "no large purses or bags" rule - like, i'm not sure how ironclad that is, but i'm not taking chances), plus it's waterproof in the event that it rains and my entire makeup collapses and i get plastered with mud. rock n' roll.

continuing on the good side, more stuff is coming together for summer fun and/or fun in the next month or so, the most recent being that i've set up my kingston trip for late may. for a while, i wasn't sure if i actually wanted to make the commitment (my savings account has been dropping since i started throwing money at concert and wrestling tickets, plus there are so many travel logistics when it comes to me visiting home, seeing both parents, getting on and off the island, etc.), yet i didn't say anything about it, but then my dad hit me with the "we're really looking forward to seeing you next month!" and my fate was sealed. i mean, it's nice to have family that miss you - i'm the only member of my immediate family who doesn't live in kingston - but like, my parents almost never come to visit me. sigh.

anyway, i booked the train tickets for the may long weekend, which should be a nice time regardless of my grumbling over having to go to and from the island all the time. everybody else is going off to their cottages for the may 2-4, i'm just gonna go back to my hometown and drink all my mom's good wine.

okay that's all from me for now.

(p.s. i tried to do that "post photos of what you look like in 2010/2014/2017" meme, but i couldn't because all three pics honestly could have been taken within a week of each other. now i finally understand why i get a lot of astounded "you look exactly the same" responses when i meet up with people i haven't seen in years. not the worst problem.)

(p.p.s. finally, a bra and underwear set made for me!)

[ music | none ]

Saturday, April 8, 2017

keep the right profile

it's time to tighten my shit up, my dudes.

april's going to have to be a lean month for me. although i know well what it's like to live on a shoestring budget - i did it for almost two years, after all - now that i actually have a steady/healthy paycheque again, i've been going a little overboard on the purchases. call it a cathartic release after being so stressed out and constrained for so long. now that i actually have the freedom to be all "i want the thing so i will totally buy the thing", it's getting kind of nuts and i have to rein it in.

(face glitter included, although i love it so. i know that the whole trend right now is "shimmery unicorn illumination" but what about those of us who just want to have giant fucking sparkly pieces of glitter on their faces?)

although i have pretty well all my costs for the rockfest trip in june paid for already, i'll still need to have spending money handy, plus i'll have to pay up for my three nights' stay at the backpackers inn at the end of the weekend. so that's another chunk of cash i'll need to account for going forward, because all that band merch and jagermeister ain't gonna buy itself.

...also, i need to keep in mind that less than a month after rockfest, i'll be heading to chicago for an indy wrestling show with all my ladypeeps, which is going to cost me additional cash. i still hope i'll be able to do it after dying in a small town in quebec, but we'll see where i end up by the end of june.

(as an aside, i'm going to say that it's strange and comforting to realize that i'm back 1) being excited about seeing favourite bands and 2) getting stoked over pro wrestling. apparently returning to the things i loved fiercely when i was 16-17 years old is the key to reclaiming myself.)

but for right now, i have the current tax season haunting me; i have an appointment with an accountant in a couple of weeks to find out just how much i'm going to get gouged on income tax from last year's earnings. although i'm five months removed from the freelance life, i did spend the majority of 2016 working for myself (and, uh, not paying taxes on what i was earning), so now i gotta answer for it. i've already done some preliminary calculations and it's looking to be about the same as 2015, which means i'll end up making healthy installment payments to the canadian government for the next 12 months or so. ugh, the price of adulting.

how does anybody have money for anything?? fuck.

so in april (and likely much of may as well), i'm going to have to narrow it down to only the stuff i really, genuinely need. i actually was in need of new boots (my one-and-a-half year old boots were already blowing holes around the toes and then one of the zippers just popped right off), so i picked up these gorgeous timberlands last weekend:

i had a moment of "oooooomg" when i saw them, because they look virtually identical to my favourite-ever pair of boots that i owned from ages 21 to 23. i loved those boots so much - tall, lace-up front, slight heel, side zip - that when the zipper blew out, i got it replaced, and when the soles worn down, i got them replaced. i ended up calling them my "zombie boots" because i was wearing them long past their best-before date. they just went so well with everything i wore that i was loathe to get rid of them. eventually they were past repair, and i sadly had to dispose of them, and i hadn't found anything close to them since. until now. (dun dun dunnnnn.)

modelling the shitkickers a couple days ago; also making it very easy to guess my two favourite colours.

so yes, these are my new boots, bought on sale(!) and i love them so much already that i am honestly considering going back to buy a second pair for when these ones eventually wear out. i plan on wearing these everywhere until it's too hot out to do so, and maybe even then. (pairing tall boots with a short skirt is pretty much my favourite look ever. anything that makes me look like a video game character, you know?)

this was all a bit meandering and meaningless, but i have wrestling to watch all weekend, so i'm out.

[ music | rammstein, "mein herz brennt" ]

Monday, April 3, 2017

look out below

hello! i survived the weekend.

in case you didn't log on to twitter last night to see us all screaming, it was wrestlemania, aka the biggest wrestling event of the year (more or less the yearly "season finale" but that's kind of a layman's term for it), and it's always an excuse to party. for that matter, all of the previous week was a reason for wrestling fans to 1) party and 2) be more obnoxious than usual. it's our time, our time is now, etc.

but first - for me, at least - the celebrations started with wwe trivia last wednesday:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

we had a solid team with some great answers, but unfortunately we were unable to place in the top three. i've mentioned it before, i'm sure, but the questions are hard, and they really illuminate just how much stuff there is to know about wwe. still, it's always a blast to get together in a tiny room with a bunch of smarks and talk wrestling, watch old matches, yell out off-colour jokes, drink beer, and so on. kudos to the team behind it!

so after keeping up with the bazillion indy shows and smaller promotions that all held their own events on wrestlemania weekend (i also got to see some of supercard of honor, the most recent ring of honor ppv, and it was just stellar all around), plus the live broadcast of the wwe hall of fame ceremony, it was time for the main event on sunday night. cue me going into a whirlwind to get my apartment clean and get everything in order. (my first time hosting a mania party!)

our little mania party had enough booze and snacks to fuel a group twice its size (had cold pizza for lunch today, obviously), which was fortuitous because it was....a very long show. i've never minded the hilarious endurance test that is watching hours upon hours of wrestling, but when you start at 5 p.m. and the show doesn't fade to black until just after midnight, well. at least this year's was far more satisfying than 2016 wrestlemania's clusterfuck of boredom and hot garbage.

while i was hard-pressed to recall any match results this morning (seriously), this stood out as the highlight of the night for so many of us:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

i'm positive i mentioned it before, but when i first got into wrestling, it was the hardy boyz that sealed the deal for me. i've never quite been able to shake my googly teenage crush on jeff hardy, which at the time led me to plaster my high school locker with hardy boyz photos and order their merch using my mom's credit card. the fact that they're both still wrestling now, in their late thirties/early forties, and both looking healthier and happier than they've been, is just the best goddamn thing. even more so now that they're finally back home in the wwe. (we all did celebratory shots of jager and toasted their return.)

now for the aftermath!

i absolutely know from life experience that hangovers get worse as you get older. sure, my hangovers in my early-to-mid twenties were no cakewalks, but at least they only lasted, like, half of the day (a half-day in which i would pump myself full of coffee and pomegranate juice and then hit the gym to sweat out the toxins). now? hooooooooo boy. at 33, my hangovers are a good 24 hours of just feeling "off" and also barfy and dizzy. it feels like my stupid body is temporarily shutting down from the inside.

fortunately, i was pacing myself all last night and propping myself up with pizza, so i wasn't too bad off this morning - just some mild wooziness and a bit of nausea, but that could be due to not getting enough sleep, either. i'd booked today off work, and i ended up having a good productive day instead of lying in bed dying! what a victory. (i sort of look like balls, but whatever, that's what living alone is for.)

so maybe it's the gross cold-pressed beet juice talking (again, something i'd bought in preparation of a hangover/needing a liver flush), but seriously, you guys, wrestling obsession aside - my life feels really fun and fulfilling right now. there's nothing i need from anyone that i can't get from or do myself, and that's such a freeing feeling. honestly, it feels like i have so many doors open right now. i'd always rather live with a hundred thousand potential possibilities - and be open for the opportunity to chase them, even if they never amount to anything - than be stuck with a single path in life.

spring is coming and it feels like big things are coming, too.

[ music | none ]