Wednesday, March 15, 2017

invoking the fates

i know, i know - i already tweet endlessly about wrestling about as it is and a good 60% of you are likely sick of it by now. but hey, why not continue the pattern here where you can easily click the little x in the top-right corner? honestly, i ain't even mad.

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

but you know, it's nice that i'm at the point now where nobody can even think of questioning my commitment. i mean, a few weeks ago i got myself up at just after 5 a.m. so i could watch a live wrestling ppv from japan - and i didn't do it for, with, or because of anyone. (that's important to signify, as i was once so nuts about a guy i got up at 4 a.m. to live-tweet the world junior championship of hockey in hopes that he'd be impressed. he was up doing the same, but he completely ignored me. welp.)

and you know what? i had the best fucking time. on the sunday morning, i dumped a bunch of baileys into my coffee (i was also wearing a dalton castle shirt and space undies), and on both days, i sat in the dark huddled under a blanket on my couch as the sun came up outside. i spent those early hours watching two of my favourite promotions do battle with each other, and it was awesome. the matches were great fun, the community conversation online was hilarious, and i had an extra spring in my step both the sunday and monday, despite the early waking hours.

because holy shit, i love wrestling, and i love the internet wrestling community. it feels good to be a part of something, as well as to have that something be a wonderful distraction from real-life bullshit.

a weekend project from a couple weeks back:

A post shared by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

i also went to a wwe house show last weekend - my first wwe event since toronto wrestling weekend back in november - and it was great fun:

i always show up a little apprehensive and then end up wishing the wwe was here every weekend.

continuing along the same topic, a few weeks ago i was asked to appear on the cageside seats live podcast gabbin' bout grapplin', and it's been archived here. if you've ever wanted to hear what my voice sounds like, then there you go. (though it's completely true what i say at the beginning - i hate the sound of my own voice, so i actually haven't listened to this whole thing through)

it was pretty fun, though, especially given how nervous i was; i'd never appeared on a podcast before, since i'd always generally tried to avoid doing public speaking stuff because i'm super self-conscious of how quickly i speak. also, additional nerves here given how worried i was about talking live about wrestling - what if i say the wrong thing? what if i say something dumb? again, there's an additional level of "proving myself" that i feel i have to go through, given that i'm a woman talking about professional wrestling. it's so much easier to get hit with the "well, you're not a real fan" if i fuck up a name or a reference.

fortunately, that wasn't the case, and it ended up being a blast even though technical difficulties cut us off early. it's good to do things that 1) terrify you and 2) give you confidence in the end.

see, i was told not too long ago that i'm something of a oddity, here; although it's more common now to see female sports fans (especially up here when it comes to hockey), it's still not so common to see female pro wrestling fans. oh sure, there are a ton of us online - i know a lot of them, and they're some of my favourite people to chat graps with - but in person and at shows, the gender parity is still huge. i'm usually one of the only women, whether that's a quarter of a crowd or a small event. (my mother: "oh honey, but you love that." and it's one of the truest things about me, probably.)

and not only am i just showing up, i am super fucking invested. want me to name the differences between fcw, icw, and czw? i can do that. want me to rattle off most of the members of bullet club past and present? sure. want me to tell you about some indy talent both local and international who deserve a bigger stage? done. i'll talk your ear off about which finishers are the best, who's the strongest promo in the building, and the finer points of heeling out/slow-burn builds/character scoping. this is all stuff i've learned by osmosis, and research, and by asking others; i come by it honestly, because i'm interested, and i'm fascinated.

again - because i want to know. because i want to do this stuff for me.

here's the thing: when i really love something, i plant my feet and i make a space for myself in the fandom. i demand that i be allowed in, regardless of my gender. it's always been that way with me and wrestling, right back to when i was a teenage tomboy. i refuse to feel like the odd one out or like i don't belong, just because women are still the minority in the pro wrestling fandom. in my mind, i have every right to be here, and nobody's gonna tell me otherwise. (to be fair, the wrestling fandom is and has been far more welcoming towards women than the hockey fandom was. by a long shot.)

okay gotta go byeeeeeeeee

[ music | florence + the machine, "only if for a night" ]