Friday, February 3, 2017

words are very unnecessary

it's fun to look at this tweet from my job search days, and feel good knowing that my three-month probation is up on wednesday. i saved myself!

and i still have that high puzzle quest rank, thank you.

this might end up being a little bit disjointed, but i think the writing helps.

guys, i really feel like i'm just stumbling through a lot of my life right now. i'm trying to be a good person even when i feel more like a complete trash human, and it can be tough going. it's especially weird because i remember this; boy oh boy do i remember all this. the universe loves to rerun my life every now and then, and i know exactly where i am right now. i've mentioned this before, but one of the good things about compulsively keeping a blog for so many years is that you can look back at where you were and how you got through things. it's surreal, but it's a comfort.

also, i've always had my mom to moan to, though she does tend to lean a little heavily on the "you'll find the right person someday" side. but ugh, like i've been saying, i think i'm through with my search for now. my heart is really exhausted and i'm tired of putting all my energy towards the wrong things.

because look, i'm never going to be a warm, perky, sunny blonde (the kind that i've never been able to compete with, obviously). i'm pale and dark and weird and nuclear-fucking-winter. i've perpetually got one foot in this world and one foot in another, and i've felt set apart since i was a kid. i never had any idea of how my life was supposed to go, besides the fact that it wasn't supposed to go any conventional way. (well, i honestly thought i was going to be married by 28, but ha ha haaa haaaaaa.)

honestly, though, i do have so much to be thankful for. i am so lucky for what i have. yet my chicago brother nailed it perfectly when he said that i was insatiable, and that i'd always be wanting more than what i've got. he's the same way, so he knows how it goes. i asked him what i'm supposed to do about it, and he said that i have to accept it and know that it isn't fair to expect others to be the same way. but it feels hard, and it feels like i'm stumbling a lot of the time.

but here are the things i was taught to believe in and i still believe in, even when i say i don't, even when things are shitty, even when i want to just give up and let the sadness overwhelm me:

- everything turns out the way it's supposed to
- things happen when you need them to happen the most
- no matter what, you'll be okay.

A photo posted by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

i can hope i at least still have a bit of that left.


[ music | phantogram, "you don't get me high anymore" ]