Friday, February 3, 2017

words are very unnecessary

it's fun to look at this tweet from my job search days, and feel good knowing that my three-month probation is up on wednesday. i saved myself!

and i still have that high puzzle quest rank, thank you.

this might end up being a little bit disjointed, but i think the writing helps.

guys, i really feel like i'm just stumbling through a lot of my life right now. i'm trying to be a good person even when i feel more like a complete trash human, and it can be tough going. it's especially weird because i remember this; boy oh boy do i remember all this. the universe loves to rerun my life every now and then, and i know exactly where i am right now. i've mentioned this before, but one of the good things about compulsively keeping a blog for so many years is that you can look back at where you were and how you got through things. it's surreal, but it's a comfort.

also, i've always had my mom to moan to, though she does tend to lean a little heavily on the "you'll find the right person someday" side. but ugh, like i've been saying, i think i'm through with my search for now. my heart is really exhausted and i'm tired of putting all my energy towards the wrong things.

because look, i'm never going to be a warm, perky, sunny blonde (the kind that i've never been able to compete with, obviously). i'm pale and dark and weird and nuclear-fucking-winter. i've perpetually got one foot in this world and one foot in another, and i've felt set apart since i was a kid. i never had any idea of how my life was supposed to go, besides the fact that it wasn't supposed to go any conventional way. (well, i honestly thought i was going to be married by 28, but ha ha haaa haaaaaa.)

honestly, though, i do have so much to be thankful for. i am so lucky for what i have. yet my chicago brother nailed it perfectly when he said that i was insatiable, and that i'd always be wanting more than what i've got. he's the same way, so he knows how it goes. i asked him what i'm supposed to do about it, and he said that i have to accept it and know that it isn't fair to expect others to be the same way. but it feels hard, and it feels like i'm stumbling a lot of the time.

but here are the things i was taught to believe in and i still believe in, even when i say i don't, even when things are shitty, even when i want to just give up and let the sadness overwhelm me:

- everything turns out the way it's supposed to
- things happen when you need them to happen the most
- no matter what, you'll be okay.

A photo posted by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

i can hope i at least still have a bit of that left.


[ music | phantogram, "you don't get me high anymore" ]

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

pedestrian at best

here's what i'm distracted by right now: making travel plans for this year. (if we don't all go up in a fiery nuclear apocalypse, that is)

where am i going? who knows? i don't, not yet anyway. the only hard plan i have for sure is to get a ticket to field of honor in the summer, then make my way to new york/new jersey for a weekend. i haven't been to new york city since 2010 for cmj, and that feels like an eternity ago. come back to me, nyc!

also, chicago at some point (probably summer) is a definite. i haven't been since kill hannah's final shows in december 2015, and even that, due to my freelancer's budget, was far too short. i miss my chicago brother, and he's always been the best to hang out with during turbulent times in my life. he gets me drunk and takes me on night drives in the city and he keeps me honest. (plus my deep, unwavering love for chicago is well-known. i do need to get my flag tattoo touched up...)

strangely enough, i'm even considering going back to vancouver. the last time i was there was 2009, only a year or so removed from my brief stint living on the west coast, and though it definitely meant a lot to me at the time, i feel like i'm overdue by now. the city has likely changed so much that it'll probably blow my mind a little, but i remember my conflicted eight months as a vancouver girl, and i feel the need to go back now. i still have a lot of friends there that i miss, anyway.

but it's interesting to consider that short of jumping into a van with a rock band, i've always travelled alone. i don't always find that weird; sometimes it's totally preferable to just be able to do my own thing, when i want, how i want. but i definitely recall some solo trips i've taken where i stop and look around and feel a bit lonely, because an experience shared can be an experience made even better.

at least i'm not intimidated by going to wrestling shows by myself. i am oddly comfortable and even gleeful at being one of the few women in the crowd when it comes to wrestling-related events.


A photo posted by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

it's funny to me, really, because one thing i'd always thought i wanted in a significant other was someone who would be my partner in crime for this sort of thing. i haven't given up on that, not really, but i haven't found that to have been the case yet either. i guess i've only ever really dated guys who aren't huge on travelling, don't have the time/money, or who travel a lot for work (ahem, touring musicians) anyway and don't want to do it for leisure. well, that's fine. i'll do this shit myself.

because for real, i've always been okay with travelling alone, since i want to prove that i can do it and that i'm not afraid. i'm not stupid and i'm not careless or reckless, but there's still an annoying stigma around a woman travelling by herself, and i love to bust that shit whenever i can. (hilariously, i clearly remember a time when i was 22 years old, taking an 18-hour bus trip alone to boston, and being eyed at the border semi-suspiciously as i showed up solo in a trashed-out coat and too much eyeliner. "purpose for visiting?" "um, i'm going to see a guy." "you're going that far for a guy? i hope he's worth it." "oh, he really isn't.")

anyway, getting out there and seeing stuff for myself has always been important to me, and i refuse to be intimidated or scared away just because i'm flying solo. (though maybe this is the year i actually get into travelling with my ladyfriends, but we'll see) the world may be more messed up than ever, and i'm still conflicted about where i'll actually end up going in the end, but it's good to be at least a little optimistic.

this was short, but whatever, hello. have a picture of my city at night:

it's always good to be home.

[ music | the kills, "doing it to death" ]