Monday, January 30, 2017

i've got to have your word on this

heyyyyyyyyy sooooo. i guess here's me, figuring out where to go from here.

here's the thing: when i was younger, i would routinely upend my own life, just to make things interesting. i was fighting a constant war against complacency and apathy and boredom. i can look back over blog posts i wrote in my early twenties and see a girl raging against normalcy, against the idea that she'd have to "settle down" and be a grownup. i wanted to be the exception. i wanted to feel every fucking thing.

and i think, what i've been realizing, is that i can't bury that girl. because she was the one who spent most of her years crossing america with rock bands. she was the one who sold everything she owned and moved across the country with just a duffel bag. nothing kept her tied down, and those were the happiest years of my life, being my own person.

so: i know who i am, and i know what i need. and honestly, if i have to do this shit alone, i will. my parents say i'm a little too strong-willed and it might be hard for me to find anyone to equal that, and i get it. i've never been made like the rest, and i've given away too much of myself to the wrong people over the years in search of someone who shares my insatiability for the world.

("you have a lot of talents," he said, "and you have an interesting life. you're only gonna be single for as long as you want to be." and i just rolled my eyes.)

i lay in bed the other night, staring at the ceiling, and just thought, don't you fucking be scared of this. you're alive and you're here and you're your own person, and the real work starts now.

better late than never.

[ music | halsey, "hurricane" ]