Tuesday, January 31, 2017

clean your conscience

i wanna take a minute here and talk a little bit about how wrestling has been such a good thing in my life. (yes, even as my twitter follower count drops all the time due to how much i tweet about it. suck it)

honestly, in these turbulent days, it's made a huge difference to have something pop-culture related to hold on to. i'm pretty sure i watched that omega-okada match like half a dozen times, at first to distract myself from the fact that i just dropped my life in a blender, and then because it became something of a weird comfort due to its timing. it's really, really nice to have a constant - that is, the fact that wrestling in some form is on tv pretty much every night, and i watch three different promotions - that can get my mind off of heavier shit, you know? investing myself in a fandom has always been my default mode, and this one's turned out pretty alright for me so far.

plus: it's brought me so many friends. so many friends. and all over the world! twitter's hooked me up with so many likeminded marks, smarks and weirdos, and it's given me a place to belong. plus, there's the toronto wrestling scene here in real life, and i'm always working to keep my spot there, too. it feels good to be among my people, to show that there is a female fanbase, and to just be a loud-mouthed nerd who can hang with the rest. i've got a voice. i'm doing what i can, where i can.

also, this:

A photo posted by Caitlin H. (@mylovesubliminal) on

yep, i dropped almost $100 on a third-row seat for the ring of honor war of the worlds taping here in may, and to say i'm excited about it would be a gross understatement. i'm probably more excited about it than i was about survivor series back in november. perhaps it's due to the fact that my favourite wrestler (this glorious man of gloriousness) is in roh, or maybe it's because it's gonna be a goddamn spectacle of streamers and feathers and alcoholism, but holy shit i'm stoked. i'm probably going to try to wear face glitter and hot pants. (in may.)

plus, it really underscored to me how important it is that i have things to look forward to. last time i was single, it helped me a lot to have a bunch of plans in the near future, like travel, tattoo appointments, concerts, or even just friend hangs. it's the stuff that gets you through the mundane regular days, knowing that you have something really awesome on the horizon. (to that effect, i also have a ticket to see the tea party recreate their transmission album in march. they were my first favourite band - not to mention the second band i ever interviewed - and that was the aggro-bleak album that got me through my angry teenage years, so i have to be there, full stop.)

oh, and i made a last-minute decision to pick up a ticket to the next wwe house show here in march. because why the hell not.

so hopefully, i can also translate this to wrestling-related trips this coming year. as i mentioned earlier, i've got so many wrestling-twitter friends all over the place now, and i want to be able to see more of them. while it may be too late for wrestlemania weekend this april (sure, i can afford the flight to florida now, but i absolutely had no money to get a ticket back when they were on sale), i'm already looking ahead to the summer and even the fall (wrestling gods, please let me snag tickets to this year's bola). it's about carving out a place for myself, here, and connecting with new people at the same time. i can't be a hermit forever.

i'll be completely honest here: it does hurt, a bit, to do all this by myself now. it hurts the same way it hurt to watch the leafs after my breakup before this one (and i blogged about that at the time, too). it's that void, and the stinging that comes when you're reminded that for better or worse, you chose this. you chose to do this alone. and yeah, honestly, it can get tough at times.

but as i've said before, i've been here before, and i know that things get easier with time.

[ music | saint pepsi, "fiona coyne" ]

Monday, January 30, 2017

i've got to have your word on this

heyyyyyyyyy sooooo. i guess here's me, figuring out where to go from here.

here's the thing: when i was younger, i would routinely upend my own life, just to make things interesting. i was fighting a constant war against complacency and apathy and boredom. i can look back over blog posts i wrote in my early twenties and see a girl raging against normalcy, against the idea that she'd have to "settle down" and be a grownup. i wanted to be the exception. i wanted to feel every fucking thing.

and i think, what i've been realizing, is that i can't bury that girl. because she was the one who spent most of her years crossing america with rock bands. she was the one who sold everything she owned and moved across the country with just a duffel bag. nothing kept her tied down, and those were the happiest years of my life, being my own person.

so: i know who i am, and i know what i need. and honestly, if i have to do this shit alone, i will. my parents say i'm a little too strong-willed and it might be hard for me to find anyone to equal that, and i get it. i've never been made like the rest, and i've given away too much of myself to the wrong people over the years in search of someone who shares my insatiability for the world.

("you have a lot of talents," he said, "and you have an interesting life. you're only gonna be single for as long as you want to be." and i just rolled my eyes.)

i lay in bed the other night, staring at the ceiling, and just thought, don't you fucking be scared of this. you're alive and you're here and you're your own person, and the real work starts now.

better late than never.

[ music | halsey, "hurricane" ]

Monday, January 16, 2017

stand and fight

one difference between me of 2017 and me of 2011: i'm not into doing lengthy blog posts about my breakups anymore. i don't need the open dissection, and i don't need the public audience. it just feels a bit exploitative, really, and i try to do things with respect and kindness instead of the reckless bullshit of my twentysomething years.

but i did want to give an update here, because i've been blogging for like ten goddamn years now, and sometimes it's important. i will say that i've been here before and even though i'm here again, i know who i am, and i know what i want. that's knowledge that i've had to fight for over the years, and it's immeasurable in its worth to me.

i remember thinking today, well, shit. from here on, you stand on your own two feet and you prove yourself.

because i want the whole fucking world.

[ music | florence + the machine, "only if for a night" ]