Sunday, October 9, 2016

years and years

oh look, here we are at officially 33 years old today.

still wearing gothy makeup and graphic tees into my thirties, whoops.

it's actually kind of amazing to me that, if you include my previous blog, i've been publicly writing about my dumb little personal life for twelve years now. twelve years! that's over a decade of life, schooling, multiple jobs, multiple relationships, multiple homes, friends lost and gained, moves to one side of the country and back again, and more. it's been twelve years of me using my writing voice as an outlet to get things out in the open in an attempt to try and figure out just what the fuck i'm doing. and you know what, it's been a great tool to be able to go back and see where i keep repeating myself, and to remind myself of the journey from then til now.

what i've been gradually coming to realize, though, is that it's become a bit of a double-edged sword.

when you're someone like me who tends to dwell on the past, it's not always a great thing to have a written history of your past right there for the viewing. there've been more than a few nights that i've spent reading over old blog entries from 2005, 2006, 2007 and very clearly remembering where i was in those moments. it's crazy to think that i was once that same girl who wrote that stuff down, because i remember all that like it was only a few months ago, but it's actually been ten years. the passage of time is a scary thing, man.

the trouble with nostalgia, though, is that it's all too easy to put on the rose-tinted glasses and only remember the good times. the blog posts don't always help; although i've always tried to be authentic in what i write, i know exactly what i was leaving out and where. and oof, honestly, i definitely remember points back then where i felt so stuck and depressed and stressed out, and i absolutely hated my life. it's just a nicer trip down memory lane to not think of those times.

but yeah, look, it's not a good habit for me. my desire to constantly go back to the old days has wrecked my friendships, my relationships, and my career path. seriously, take it from your ol' pal me: it's really hard to move forward when all you want to be is 23 again. (or whatever age you think back on as living your best life.)

i guess maybe that means my goal for the coming year should be to try and live more in the now, and accept that i'm a sum of my parts, not necessarily only my twentysomething past (awesome) or my thirtysomething present (mehhhh). it's a vital step for me, because i feel like it'll help with the ennui i have over getting older, and maybe it'll help me come to grips with the fact that i shouldn't want to go back even if i could.

because i remember, even in those nostalgic, halcyon days of my twenties, i would spend a lot of nights lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling and constantly thinking, why do i always want a different life than the one i have?

and that's my birthday introspection for today.

i'm off to go have some breakfast on the island house's back deck before we go pick up my boyfriend. thankful for thanksgiving!

[ music | the cure, "the hanging garden" ]