Wednesday, April 20, 2016

paddling out

it's my liiiiiiiife

but yeah, april's been a busy month so far. between working, finding more work, and stressing over my taxes, it's been full up of things that either 1) i prefer not to blog publicly about (in terms of my professional life, that is -- not my personal life, which is going swimmingly) and 2) the reading public would find too boring. all while making time to go to the gym 4-5 times a week, eat right, take my vitamins, floss, and get 7-8 hours of sleep per night. yeesh.

but it's become much more of a priority for me in recent years to take care of myself, which includes getting enough sleep, exercise, and nutrients. remember those times in your twenties when you could be a total fucking trainwreck, eating garbage and barely sleeping and partying all the time, yet you still look only adorably dishevelled afterwards? yeah, uh, that...doesn't happen when you're in your thirties. instead, you're basically working against the clock and your own failing metabolism to keep yourself from looking like your parents more and more every day. (also, grim case in point: i had the absolute random thought the other day of, what if i'm just rotting inside?)

and like, it sucks. it does! it especially does if you can still vividly remember your twenties and the way your body operated and how you could put up with so much more. it feels like a goddamn betrayal, that's what. how dare you age, body?!

update on the "pump body full of biotin to see if crappy hair/skin is fixed" situation: ongoing.

anyway, i'm going to have some time to myself soon -- next week, the import boy's heading back to his homeland of england to be best man in his twin brother's wedding. i'm not going because i am a poor. (also, i'd needed to get my passport renewed, and it only just arrived two days ago.) still, i'm excited to see his photos and hear his stories about being back in the uk, where nobody will ask him if he's australian. also, it's crazy and awesome that his brother is getting married(!) and i'm so happy they get to be reunited for the occasion.

my father asked if i was planning on coming back to my hometown while sean's away, and the answer was no. for one, i'm already super busy with a lot of things here in the city, and for's weird, but i've been feeling a bit disconnected from kingston and my family there. maybe it's because i still don't feel like i'm going "home" when i make the long (looooong) trek to the island house. i don't have a lot going on in my life, so there's not much to update my family on, and i just feel awkward when there's dead air after i'm asked about what i've been up to. scrabbling for conversation points is not my forte.

also, i think i'm at that point in my adult life where i'm beginning to see myself more from my parents' point of view, and it's so weird, you guys. it's weird to think that you're regarded as a fellow adult rather than just their kid. and like, i dunno. do they feel like they did a good job with me? are they reasonably happy with how i turned out? because i'm basically done as a person, now - i mean, my personality's pretty well set and stuff - and while i obviously still have a lot of life left, are they cool with how i am as an adult? do they approve of what i'm doing, or do they secretly wish i'd made different life choices? these are the big questions that i've never had enough wine to ask about. (also, you tend to get the boilerplate "of course we're proud of you and we'll love you no matter what!" answers)

anyway, that's all i'm willing to write there. true story: when i was a teenager, my parents found my angst-and-anger filled "online diary" (when you're a teen, it's easy to feel as though you're secure online from prying eyes, but nope) and just about sent me to the psych hospital. that may have been an over-exaggeration, but either way, i was grounded for months, and ever since then i've absolutely avoided talking about my family online. like, never do it. not worth who might potentially see it.

in other news, i'm going to drink this beer tonight and i'm pretty stoked about it.

[ music | mgmt, "congratulations" ]