Thursday, March 10, 2016

#Reverb16: Habits

If you could magically change one of your habits, what would it be and why?

oooof, i dunno. let's set aside the typical tee-hee bad habits - i've had mild dermatillomania since childhood (mostly fingers/cuticles and sometimes my face, especially in times of stress or boredom); i drink too much wine; i cling too much to daily routines - and go for a deeper cut: i have a bad habit of focusing too much on my past.

holy baaaaaalls, i know i've blogged about it before so many times, but yeah, i need to stop being so fixated on my twenties and start living now, in my thirties. but i think a lot of you know how it is -- it can be so easy to get caught up with the whole train of thought of, i was happier back then. i was hotter back then. i made more money back then. et cetera, et cetera. of course, that all just leads to the nagging (and often incorrect) question of, why don't i have those things now? you then start to blame yourself, for making poor decisions, for having less impulse control, for spending too much money and for not doing enough to fix things.

honestly, i don't compare myself to others so much as i compare myself to my past self. and it sucks a lot of time. i get caught up in a negative whirlwind of thinking back to my twentysomething years which, by the way, were a weird, mostly fucked-up rollercoaster of euphoric highs and really shitty lows. but because it's easy for the brain to put on the rose-coloured glasses of nostalgia and only see the good things, i end up feeling as though my life was at least 80% better "back then". i had steady employment that i was good at, and a lot of friends at work. i made decent enough money. i was getting to interview bands all the time and occasionally go out on tour with them, if i got lucky. i feel like i looked better (that young metabolism, don't you know). i had so much hope for my future, and what i could still become.

now, it really does feel like a lot of doors have closed for me, and like, that's that. and i know the better mindset is to think, there are still so many doors open to you, and probably more now besides, but i can't get out of the habit of focusing on what i've lost rather than what i have, and what i still could have.

so yeah, whatever. maybe someday, i will find that magical mindset switch and begin to realize that i have just as much value now as i did ten years ago. i hope it happens sooner rather than later.

[ music | florence + the machine, "shake it out" ]