Tuesday, November 3, 2015

home is wherever i'm with you

so i think i have to spend some time lessening my emotional attachment on my apartment.

i've written about my love for my little home of three years on several occasions - i can't dig up all the blog posts where i've mentioned it, but if you know me, you know it's true - but lately i've come to realize that i'm a little too attached to it. when i was in my twenties, i lived by the "never settle down" credo, and that extended to my idea of home. although i've had my own place before, they've always been dingy bachelor basements (with the exception of my vancouver apartment, which was little more than a large bedroom on the second floor with a tiny bathroom attached to it), and so i never really considered any of them a permanent home. in fact, i didn't want one. i wanted to be able to get up and go at a moment's notice, to be able to toss everything aside and hit the road without having to worry about missing being "home."

then i moved in here. it was my post-breakup apartment - my first solo apartment in three years - and i worked to make it my little safe place and sanctuary, somewhere i'd be happy to spend time in and come home to at the end of the work day. i got to decorate it the way i wanted to, with all my stuff where i wanted it to go, and i didn't have to worry about sharing my space with anyone. i didn't mind spending all my home time alone; in fact, i enjoyed the freedom to bake cookies at midnight or bang stuff around early in the morning or take long baths without worrying about tying up the bathroom. plus, this apartment had all the good stuff i wanted: it was quiet and well-maintained, there were no vermin or bugs, it was located in a great part of town, and it was right near the subway/grocery store/mall/pharmacy. aside from a few nitpicks - the windows are loose so they rattle like hell whenever it's windy; the elevators constantly break down; there's no air conditioning so it turns into the seventh layer of hell in the summer - i've happily stayed here since august 2012.

but lately i've been a bit worried by my attachment to what's become my favourite apartment of all the ones i've lived in. like i said in the opening paragraph, a small part of me wants to be able to live with a measure of freedom, and not be tied down to one place by any one thing. whether or not that's simply left over from my twenties or it's a definitive part of me, i'm not sure, but it makes me feel antsy to realize that i'm so attached to this apartment. what if i wanted to move somewhere else? i'm not planning on staying here forever, am i? i love this apartment so much, but i'll eventually have to let it go if i want to keep my life moving forwards -- right? (i mean, i know some people can live in the same place for decades, but i've never felt like one of those people)

anyway, i've really buried the lede here, probably for dramatic purposes, but here it is: my boyfriend and i have decided to move in together.

we've been going out for a year and a half, and i think we were both shyly circling around the idea for a while now (i don't know about him, but i've definitely gotten the "so, have you guys moved in yet?" question a lot), but it was only last week that we decided it's time. i've always sworn that i wouldn't cohabitate with a boyfriend for purely financial means; i'm happy to state that that's not the case here. although it does make financial sense, i realized i wanted us to live together because i wanted to be able to see him every day. and that's worth a lot more to me than just saving some money every month. (plus, i already spend a lot of time at his place anyway, and also he wants to get a cat but i won't get one unless we live together first)

although it's obviously my wish that he simply moves in with me, he's said that he'd prefer not to, since he thinks my place would be too small for two people (and to be fair, he's probably right -- it's a junior one-bedroom, just under 500 square feet). moreover, i'm pretty sure he likes the idea of us getting a new place together, so it can be our place. i get that. it makes sense, and i want to be able to see him every morning and every night and on every day off. but i mean...the majority of my current nightmares involve me having to move out of this place. how am i gonna react when it becomes my reality, and not something i can just wake up from?

it's silly, i know. it's silly to have separation anxiety over this apartment, because really, i just think to myself, what, did you think you were going to live here for the rest of your life? of course not. like i was saying earlier, i don't want to have such an attachment to one place, because then it hinders my drive to go other places and do other things. imagine giving up cool opportunities elsewhere because ehhh, i dunno, i just really love my apartment and i don't want to leave. (not to mention i hate the process of moving. i hate it so much. all the planning and packing and organizing just gives me stress hives.)

anyway! it's not happening immediately; it likely won't be until around march 2016, if only because we have to give our respective two months' notice and he's going to be going nuts with christmas sales all december. we won't be able to really start looking until january/february. unless i can wear him down and convince him that moving in here would truly be for the best (and we could always find a different place and move out together later, right?), then that's going to be the plan. and in the meantime, i'm going to have to start looking ahead and thinking about somewhere new, somewhere bigger and better, and most importantly, somewhere that'll have both my boyfriend and a kitten. because life is all about moving forward, and part of the fun is seeing where you end up a month, a year, ten years from now.

[ music | none ]