Monday, September 14, 2015

free at dawn

fall. fall is just the best.

not yet, but soon!

longtime pal brad posted this link on twitter the other day, and i absolutely feel it. i am ms. autumn woman. i love butternut squash soup and chilly temperatures and crunchy leaves and cozy sweaters and hot apple cider. while spring is the prototypical season of renewal, for me, it's fall -- fall is when everything begins again. it's when you start your new school season, or when you begin to think about the holidays, or when you really ponder about what you need to do with your life to be happy. it's a super reflective time of year and i totally dig it.

also, there's no time i'm more in love with toronto than in the fall:

there's nowhere else i'd rather be. (it also makes for a nice train ride home for my birthday/dad's birthday/thanksgiving in october. though this year i'll mostly be marooned out on the island, so here's hoping it's just as colourful a place to be.)

so yeah, about that self-reflection -- for some reason (monthly hormones?), it's been hitting me a lot harder right now. it's a weird, deep-seated intuition type of feeling that i'm not quite where i'm supposed to be. whether my weird intuition means in terms of location, career, apartment or what, i'm not really sure. but somehow, it feels like there's somewhere else i should be, but i don't know where that place is, and i don't know how to get there. and that whole feeling kind of unsettles me and makes me feel oddly dissatisfied with where i've ended up in life.

then again, this feeling usually crops up when i'm reading about other peoples' lives and jobs and passions, so maybe it's all just latent comparative jealousy. is there a word for when you constantly lust after everyone's lives except for your own? because i think i've been going through that for at least ten years now.

also, it's like... i'm not very good at explaining it, but it sort of feels like i've gotten to a point in my life where there's a lot of stuff that i can't go back to. it's probably a symptom of being in my thirties now (less than a month away from 32, no less), but more and more i'm starting to feel like i can't go back to the reckless zany weirdness and good times that i had in my twenties. there's not a lot of that that i can return to. and that especially sucks, because i try to think about what makes me happy, and a lot of it happened when i was in my twenties, and i don't know how to take those things and apply them to my current-day life, you know? so i just sort of flounder a bit, and i feel a bit lost. when you have to leave a lot of your identity behind as you age - because it simply doesn't apply to how you live now - what happens when you're left feeling as though the best times are behind you? where do you really go from there, when it feels like you have to build a new "grown-up" identity to suit your life, but you don't know how (and maybe you don't even want to)?

and here i thought i'd left all my growing pains behind in adolescence :( or maybe i just think too much.

regardless, my biggest indulgence in these uncertain times is good skin care and beauty products.

i don't even want to break myself of this habit, really. the majority of it goes towards high-quality face creams, serums, scrubs and masks -- because, as i tell myself every time i cringe at the bill, my face is an investment. i don't even mean that to sound super egotistical, either; it's more that i have a hard time dealing with the ageing process and my face inevitably collapsing, so i want to take good care of it and preserve it for as long as i can. i don't lie about my age, but i do like looking younger than i am. (doesn't everybody?)

says john hodgman: "I think the best way to reduce stress in your life is to be wealthy and attractive." i like this advice. can i make this a thing?

anyway! it's time to tidy up my apartment a bit -- sean's dad is coming over from england to visit from this wednesday to next monday, and since he's going to be staying at sean's place, the boy will be staying with me at mine (since there isn't enough room for two in his bachelor apartment). i've got the place stocked up with coffee and cereal, and i'm pretty sure i'll be keeping busy with work this week anyway, so it'll fun to cohabitate for a while. aside from the fact that i sleep with the window open and i get up around 7 a.m. every day, i don't think i'm that bad to share a space with, really.

[ music | arctic monkeys, "why'd you only call me when you're high?" ]