Monday, June 8, 2015

the charm offensive

whew. so much self-reflection and weird negativity lately, huh? apologies. have a cat.

this is the neighbourhood floof, who's the biggest bag of happy friendly fluff you'll ever meet. i see her pretty often as i'm walking to/from the gym, and she always runs right over with an excited meow when i call out to her. the other day, when i took that photo (i regularly snap photos of her because she's such a pretty cat), i sat on the curb in my running gear and just gave her belly rubs for five minutes.

she really loves me, i swear. (sadly, i don't know her name or her owners, or even if she's definitively a she. to me, she's a she, and her name is floof.)


it's funny because in the last week, i've had separate conversations that have indirectly related to the last couple things i've been blogging about. the first was when i was with jenna, the two of us sucking back multiple glasses of pimm's cup on her balcony and talking about the struggle i've been having with trying to find an extraordinary life, and feeling like i'm not quite measuring up and/or i'm running out of time to make one for myself.

"you can't measure your life against social media," she said bluntly. "that's why i almost never check facebook. everyone else's lives are so curated to look awesome."

it's always a relief to hear your friends echo your own frustrations. while i won't go so far as to delete social media accounts (though i don't check or update facebook as often as i used to, for sure), it is maybe better to join the real world for a while. it's hard enough to stumble your own way through your own shit without everyone else's shinyhappylives diluting your vision of what you want. if i'm going to have an awesome life and work towards doing extraordinary things, i would rather it be real, not an online construct built to only show the good and not the struggles behind it as well. authenticity is a balance. that's what this entire blog of mine has always been about, after all.

the second was my mother, whom i called up last week to discuss my career path. i've been working freelance for some clients for the last little while, and i've actually had a couple of interviews for a full-time job lately, so i've been trying to sort out (see last blog post) just what exactly i want to do with my life, or what i don't want to do. the latter will remain with me, because i know better than to bitch about things on the internet that can come back to bite me, but when it comes to my career, i know that i'm going to be forced into making a decision before the year's out. that's a fact. even if it's a short-term decision, my life will be different this time next year -- or even in a few months. and here's what my mother said as i fretted about possible wrong decisions:

"everything happens for a reason, even if you don't know it at the time. maybe it'll be that you meet some new friends, or make connections. maybe you'll end up making new opportunities that happen at a later date. but no matter what, things are going to happen as they're supposed to."

and this concept is something that i definitely do believe in myself. it's always been a source of great comfort to me when my life gets turbulent: that even though yes, you do have some agency in things, at the end of the day, everything's meant to be. this is life's path, etc. and so you can't spend too much time mourning bad decisions, because that's how things were supposed to happen. it really saves you a lot of time in the regret & disappointment department.

thinking on it, i guess this is my version of religion, because although i don't believe in a big bearded guy in the sky, i do believe that things work out the way they should. i actually wrote about this a couple years ago and it all still holds true for me.

two more fun little things (aka when i go back through my tumblr and see if anything exciting happened to me lately):

on twitter, this pic is currently sitting at 48 reblogs and 240 favorites, all because i'm wearing my favourite wrestler's t-shirt and said favourite wrestler retweeted it and i didn't stop grinning even as my twitter was on fire for two days. heart u, seth. fluffy-haired supervillains forever.

also somewhat related to the above, i took an online personality test last week and got the intj type, "the architect." (again, pure coincidence re: above - if you're a wwe fan, you'll get it - but i still laughed) particularly relevant passages for me:

INTJs are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict. 
INTJs will strive to remain rational no matter how attractive the end goal may be, and every idea, whether generated internally or soaked in from the outside world, must pass the ruthless and ever-present “Is this going to work?” filter. This mechanism is applied at all times, to all things and all people, and this is often where INTJ personality types run into trouble.
Because their emotions are such an underdeveloped tool, INTJs often feel them more strongly than many overtly emotional types because they simply haven't learned how to control them effectively. 
Having more than just a few friends would compromise INTJs' sense of independence and self-sufficiency – they gladly give up social validation to ensure this freedom. INTJs embrace this idea even with those who do fit into their social construct, requiring little attention or maintenance to remain on good terms, and encouraging that same independence in their friends.

it's true and weird how i've found that i've become more calculating and clinically ruthless as i've gotten older. if i know what needs to be done, i'll do it. also, the whole idea of valuing quality over quantity in friends and otherwise keeping to myself is super true for me. hooray for being a good friend who can also be a recluse!

but when i do get out of the house, at least i have a cute new dress to wear:

i couldn't take a picture of it on me because it photographs weird (it's the little cape-ish part that hangs off the back), but know that it looks rad, and that the keyhole opening on the back is right over my tiger tattoo, which is awesome because barely anyone ever gets to see it:

it's not exactly like i'm flush with cash for new dresses right now, but i couldn't resist. (still, it was a bit of an annoyance to realize that, in my closet search for appropriate job-interview outfits, pretty much all of my dresses are too short to be considered professional. #caitlinproblems)

time to clean up a bit of work writing before settling in to game of thrones and penny dreadful back to back tonight. find me on twitter and tell me things!

p.s. as much as i'm looking forward to the free windows 10 upgrade at the end of july, is anyone else worried that it might blow up the computer? i'm still chipping away on a laptop from 2010, and as much as i love the beast, i'm slightly anxious.

p.p.s. i had a ridiculous life epiphany the other week when i realized that, rather than spending all this money on dry-cleaning my jean jackets, i can...just wash them like normal. because they're just denim. i mean, duh.

[ music | nonono, "pumpin' blood" ]


Jade Yildirim said...

Such a cute cat c: