Wednesday, May 22, 2013

through the looking glass

so, yes! kingston.

i've worked hard over the last couple of years to retrain myself to stop referring to kingston as "home"; it may be my hometown and my birthplace, but it hasn't been home to me for over 10 years now. toronto's my home, right down to my very goddamn soul. so i'm trying to make it weird for me to say that i'm "going home" when i head off to kingston, because really, i go there to visit my family. all of my immediate family still live there -- i'm the weirdo black sheep sticking it out on her own in a different city, almost three hours away.

but that's fine with me, because i know it's where i belong. seriously, every time i go back to kingston, i entertain a few thoughts about what it'd be like if i moved back. i could see my family all the time; i could get a way bigger apartment on the amount of rent i'm paying now; i could scale my life back and take things easier. plus there's just something about being in my mother's house in kingston that makes me feel insulated, i guess. it's a nice, sometimes welcome separation from my grownup life in toronto.

then i start really thinking about it, and i usually just laugh at myself for ever even considering the thought. me, leave toronto? i couldn't. just couldn't. i would end up spending my days obsessing over what was going on in the big city without me. (i don't know if this would be the same if i moved to another big city, like montreal or chicago or new york; i suspect it's likely, given how much i missed toronto when i briefly moved to vancouver)

so although it's nice to be somewhere where i can disconnect and pretend to be a different person with a different life for a while, i'm always conscientious of the need to go back to my real home at the end of the day. i can't be a little kid in kingston forever, nor do i honestly want to go back there, because that's just such a step backwards for me. it's a nice place to visit, but i'm a grown-ass adult now, and i can't make it my home again. i just want so much more than that, and toronto's still the place where all the opportunities are, for me.

there are always nice photo opportunities in kingston though, at least:

a two-pound brick of imported parmesan cheese that my stepdad bought for me. look, i'm just part of this family; i don't presume to understand it. (though yay endless cheese for things)

my sister's shy kitty, lily.  it took a lot of patience and coaxing to get her to even come this close, let alone turn her head to acknowledge the shot.  but she's a pretty little tortie, and clearly very photogenic.

i've seen this before but it never fails to make me smile evilly.

walking back over the expressway to get home after a bbq at my dad's.  filters are my friend.  (i was motivated to take a couple of "artsy" shots after both my mother and stepfather seemed half-impressed, half-dumbfounded at the fact that it appears i have marginal photography skills.  i would just refer them to my instagram, but you know, blerf.)

see above with the whole "artsy shot" business. (this was a basic vodka & soda, dressed up with some fruit and lime juice; one of the few times last weekend that i wasn't drinking endless glasses of red wine. i drink a lot of wine when i'm at my mother's.)

and an observation to my mother that made her laugh, during a discussion of swimsuits:

juxtaposed with current life:

well, yes.

and now i'm off to crossfit to go barf up a lung. be excellent to each other.

[ music | nico vega, "so so fresh" ]