Wednesday, May 15, 2013

take the risk

i'm not dead. sorry to worry you.

but yes, the leafs lost in a complete heartbreaker of a game, and they're now out of the playoffs -- as many of us expected would happen, but not quite in such a horrible, painful way. this here is a good piece that explains how most of leafs nation has felt in the aftermath, and this too. me? as soon as the bruins scored the dagger goal, i immediately shut off my tv and let out a long howl of frustration and sadness. then i refused to read anything on the internet until the next morning. i preferred mute silence to wallow in defeat, thank you.

as i alluded to above, though, it was funny/sweet how i had friends and family members legitimately concerned for my well-being. i'm not far that gone on a sports team that i would do anything dangerous to myself, guys. but yeah, it was a definite split between total disappointed sadness and a strong sense of pride that the team even made it as far as they did. sure, the explosion was spectacular and horrifying, but pretty much nobody believed they'd push the bruins to the brink like they did. for that, i can at least be proud i'm a fan. (still, i'm a bit sore about the loss, so don't chirp me about it or i will kill you dead)

my oblique twitter thoughts on the collapse:

i believe in this. i believe in this with all my heart and goddamn soul. not to mention i've been through this hell and back so many times -- i mean, come on, you want heartache and disappointment? christ, try hanging out with rock bands and musicians for the last ten years. like i said before, when it's bad it's absolutely awful, but there's nothing quite like it when it's good.

and that's what having an emotional investment in something is like. it means sticking it out through the worst of days because you have the undying human faith that things will get better, and when they do, it will all be worthwhile. in fact, the retroactive suffering might make it feel even more glorious when the payoff finally occurs. (or maybe only i feel this way, because i am a masochist.)

as soon as you put an emotional investment into something, you risk being disappointed. likewise, as soon as you give somebody your heart, you give them the power to break it. that's how it goes. that's being human. and personally, i would rather stick my neck out and make those connections and invest that time and love and emotion even if i know it could wreck me. and it does, and it has, over and over again. but i keep going back, because i'm waiting for that payoff. i refuse to give up hope that some day, it will all work out.

and so on, and so forth.

in the meantime, i buy cheap bikinis and take selfies:

i actually own not one but two swimsuits now (the above from h&m and this cute retro one-piece from modcloth), which is a huge thing for me since i haven't owned a swimsuit in basically forever. and i'm mostly amazed to find that i...don't look terrible in swimsuits these days. (my self-esteem and terror about wearing a swimsuit in public is genuinely what's kept me from buying one for the last ten years.) or maybe it's more that i've stopped giving a shit about what other people think. well, either or. progress!

in the not-at-all-distant future: i'm heading out of town this friday to spend the long weekend with my family (the majority of which i haven't seen since christmas), as well as getting drunk and lying around by the pool all day. (hence, swimsuits.) there will also be barbeques, seeing the great gatsby with my dad, sorting through my boxes of shit in my dad's basement, and even more drinking. viva la long weekend.

[ music | evaline, "there there" ]