Tuesday, February 19, 2013

where all the roads go

i don't know how many times i've written about this topic (maybe i need a chart or a heat map or something), but holy christ, i feel like i need to reboot my life.

at the end of this post from last summer, i mentioned that i felt like i'd lost myself over the last five years. granted, i was largely referring to my relationship there, but i've slowly come to the realization that it could also apply to my life in general. as i said in this blog post from last month, sometimes i feel pretty far removed from the girl i used to be, and i don't view that as a particularly good thing. it may be just me remembering the past through rose-coloured glasses, but i feel like she had a lot more fun.

there's this nagging feeling as well:

..."running out of time", yes (though i had to add that disclaimer in brackets so people wouldn't think i was talking about, like, having kids or anything), but also a general sense of wasting time, maybe. i know that you can't tell in the moment when the best years of your life are, but i want to make the most of what i've got right now. do i feel like i'm doing that? no, not really. and i want to change that, because i don't want to look back on this period of time in my life and realize that i wasted so much of my time and energy on things that ultimately didn't matter in the end.

also, there's a bunch of changes coming to my life soon, and i have the option to use these changes as a springboard to reset a bunch of things. sorry if that's all kind of vague, but that's how it is when you're writing in the public sphere. either way, i've mentioned before that i am resolutely fucking terrible at making big life changes, but when faced with changes that i can't control, i generally acquiesce. it's kind of the only way things happen for me, given how lazy and complacent i can get in my everyday life and routines. (that's probably something i need to work on further, actually. oh, well.)

i think, though, that i really ought to use what's coming up to take the initiative in making the aforementioned big life changes. because i've never quite felt like i've belonged where i am now, and i still remember where i come from. it still calls me back, telling me to come home. (if anything, the bands i've been listening to the most lately - as well as the old writings i've been reading - are a definite reminder, and a possible sign that i should finally go back and reclaim what i gave up.)

then, from a family-day phone conversation with my mom, in light of a few recent events:

"you ever get the feeling that, even if it's really shitty, things are working out the way they're supposed to?"

that's one thing my mother and i have always agreed on: the belief that no matter how crazy or bad things seem, everything works out the way it's supposed to. you might not realize it until years later, sure, but when you look back on things, you can see that everything that's happened makes exact sense. my family's not religious, but this is the closest thing to divine belief that i was brought up with. trusting one's intuition and having faith in the universe.

and when i think back on my own personal history, even within the last twelve months, it still astounds me how strange my life continues to be. and i have no idea where things go from here.

lately i've had this song on repeat as i go out on my balcony to smoke endless cigarettes and watch the winter sunset:

and i forgot so much.

[ music | leafs vs. lightning on in the background ]