Monday, January 7, 2013

losing my favourite game

it's baaaaaaaaack.

and yes, guess how excited i am.

(okay, so the top two shots there were from a charity game that i attended the week before christmas, and the third photo is from the toronto marlies game i was at last weekend, but! hockey!)

it was actually kind of cute how many of my friends immediately thought of me when the news broke, and checked in to ask about how stoked i was that the nhl lockout was finally over. i mean, it's all sort of tempered by the fact that it even had to go this far, and it was essentially a big fight about greed and money by bazillionaires, and nobody came out looking good at the end, but...well. i wasn't one of those people who swore that they wouldn't go back to hockey once the lockout ended, because for one, i don't have that much resolve, and for two, i am wholly unapologetic for loving the things i love. i mean, really -- who do i have to answer to? nobody, that's who.

anyway, i don't tend to blog too much about hockey since i'd rather leave that to the professionals, but you can go back through the hockey tag here on the blog and see the other stuff i've written (although none of it is like, analysis or anything). though if you also follow me on twitter, you'll definitely see an uptick (read: absolute flood) of hockey-related tweets in the coming weeks. as i've noted before, when i was reading over my archived tweets, it was very obvious that a good 90% of my tweets were about two things: hockey, and my boyfriend. so i've got one of those things back in my life, at least.

and therein is the slight cloud of sadness in all of this: the realization that i've lost my hockey buddy.

it only sort of hit me when i was at the marlies game on saturday -- that for the first time in five years, i'm not going to have anyone to watch hockey with. hockey was a main bonding point in our relationship (we're both diehard leafs fans), and watching games together while cuddled up on the couch or going out to cheer the leafs on at a pub was a frequent weeknight plan. we went to a bunch of games together. he was a goaltender in a couple beer leagues, so i'd frequently go watch his local games, applauding excitedly whenever he made a big save. hockey highlights were forever playing on our tv. we had innumerable in-jokes and references that nobody else would get. no matter what else happened, we always had the leafs to bond over. hockey was the big thing for us.

and now there's no us.

i mean, i'll be fine, really. it's not the end of the world -- just another one of those sad little realizations that comes in the aftermath of a breakup. i'm trying to be perfectly okay with being alone - though that includes snarling at anyone who pulls out the "you'll find somebody else/we'll find you a nice boy" line; i'm kind of not in the mood for that right now - so it just struck me that wow, okay, i'm going to have to watch hockey by myself now. and maybe i'll be fine with that. but, as with so many things in my life over the last few months, it's just one more thing i'll have to get used to.

then, apropos of nothing, i was hit with a sudden flashback last night out of nowhere: smoking heavily in a crowded bar in pennsylvania, then escaping outside into the cold early-april night, long leather coat and short skirt and too thin and big-eyed, standing on an icy sidewalk and inhaling and exhaling and wondering just what the fuck i was doing. if this was really what i wanted. i was twenty-two.

in the present day, my almost-thirty-year-old self went out on the balcony and lit a cigarette, staring out over my city as i smiled sadly and whispered aloud, "you all just break my heart."

and oh. don't you.

[ music | ida maria, "oh my god" ]