Monday, January 28, 2013

i know what love isn't

wherein i talk about the concept of love and my meager understanding of it, brought on by both a conversation with a friend and the pervading sea of pink and red in stores right now.

so i went out for a lovely dinner with the lovely sofi the other week, and the topic eventually turned to boys and dating and the state of our love lives. (mine can be summed up with three letters: lol) and it was funny, actually, how quickly i was to reaffirm something that i've never hesitated to admit: that even after spending five years putting everything i had into a relationship that eventually dissolved, i still believe in love. i do.

i know, it's cooler to be cynical about it and pretend you're just so above everything, but whatever, dudes -- i'm an old romantic. i've always enjoyed the idea of love, even if i'm not sure i've actually experienced it yet in my life. sure, i can firmly say that i loved my last boyfriend with everything i had, but it wasn't returned to nearly the same capacity (hence the breakup), and so i'm not positive that i've had the full experience yet. to the best of my knowledge, i haven't had a boy fall in love with me yet. not for serious. there's been many infatuations and crushes and lustful pursuits from the opposite sex, sure, but a boy actually in love with me? ehhhh.

but even with that knowledge, coming out of the breakup, i was sort of surprised to realize that i wasn't pessimistic about love. which is kind of funny, because i can remember past breakups where i came out just so angry at the world and bitter at anyone in a happy relationship. i was young and immature, and i just didn't think it was fair. why do they get to have love when i've been denied it? raaaaaaaage!

but, back to the present day. as i said to sofi, i'm not outright looking for *~true love~* or anything; i believe that if it's meant to be, it happens. and that's usually when you're not looking, or when you least expect it. so, that's fine.

i won't lie, though -- to me, the thought of embarking on another relationship right now just feels exhausting. so, i have to meet a guy, be attracted to said guy, have it be mutual, go through the dating phase and first kiss and first bang and all that, meet his friends, meet his family, eventually get comfortable enough to move in together or whatever, and so on and so forth? ugh, really, i just spent five years of my life on that path and getting to that point (more or less successfully), and it ended up not going anywhere after all. so i guess maybe that did leave me a little bitter and cynical, and feeling like it's just too much work to undertake if there's a chance it won't work out anyway. there's so much in there that can go horribly wrong! bah.

it's amusing for me, though, to read back on old diary entries and note how many times i used the l-word. how many times i really, truly believed i was in love with one of them. in retrospect, it clearly wasn't actual love; super strong infatuation, for sure, but never love and clearly never in a way that was reciprocated. but i remember being that girl, and i remember having no touchstones and nothing to compare those feelings to. back then, i had no other word for it. so, i called it love. but now, as per the title of this blog post, i know what love isn't.

yet even after it all becomes just sounds through my headphones, it's the music that i still love them for - that i owe them for - and always will.

[ music | none ]