Saturday, December 22, 2012


now, to capitalize on what i wrote about earlier: this is a complete entry of self-indulgence! enter at your own peril, caveat emptor, etc. etc.

so as i said, twitter's just started rolling out its archived tweets feature, which is literally something i've been waiting and wishing for for like, years. thankfully, i actually ended up having the feature enabled (guess there were some perks to being on the platform for five goddamn years), and so basically my life for the last few days has been, well, reliving my life from 2007 through to the present. so much i remembered, yet so much i forgot. ah. (it was also rather depressing, given that the two things i tweeted about the most were 1. hockey and 2. my then-boyfriend. now, i have neither. sigh.)

and in my self-indulgent moment, i picked out all of my favourite tweets and tossed them together as a blog post. yes, my favourite pieces of my own writing, because whatever. they amused me, and i think all of the below serve as a good snapshot of my life and how much it's changed, or hasn't changed, in the last five years. (i stopped at 2012 because that's still pretty recent, and again, whatever.)

i'm even going to use a jump cut for the first time so i don't completely bone the main blog page with a massive wall of tweets. here we go!



but my head told my heart

lately i've been wondering just why i put so much of my life online for public consumption.

...that's kind of the question of my generation, isn't it? we're the oversharers. we put every minutiae of our lives on the internet for everyone to see, even though probably nobody cares but us. we're solipsists. we need to have that self-absorbed bubble where we feel like we can yell into the digital universe and somebody, somewhere, will listen, and care.

and that's why i blog, really. i've had friends profess shock and vague horror at the idea of putting as much of themselves online as i do, but really, it's the only thing i know. i've been keeping blogs for 12 years now, and for me, they were never genre-specific things or info dumps or money-makers. they were diaries. chronicles of the most interesting parts of peoples' personal lives. (and i had a very interesting personal life, once upon a time. though it was only ever vaguely alluded to, because i've always tried to be smart about what i say and what i don't say in the public space.)

yes, it's self-indulgent, for sure. i've never fooled myself into thinking that a mass of people actually care about my silly little life; instead, i've mostly kept this for me, and if people - be they friends of mine or complete strangers - want to come along for the ride, then i'm cool with it. (i guess my blog is public rather than private because some part of me does want an audience to my life. if a tree falls in the forest, etc.)

so i was thinking about that, and then i got access to my twitter archives, and it just rolled the whole ball along even further.

because the other reason i do all this is to keep a digital history for myself. i'm a firm believer in the past, and though that means i tend to live in it a little too much, i really feel that the answers to so many things lie in past events and experiences. (probably because i tend to repeat a lot of things. what's that old saying about the definition of insanity...?) i like getting context, and i like seeing personal progression, or regression, or whatever. it makes sense to me, somehow.

and so reading over the tweets i sent out into the digital world over the last five years was a bit of a trip, and also kind of depressing -- because they made me remember who i was and where i was in my life when i wrote them. i clearly remember writing all of those things. it felt like just yesterday for some of them. i remember being that girl, once.

and it made me take a bit of a hard look at where i am now, and the choices i've made since those days.

the same thing happened just last week -- i came across a word doc of private writing i did in late 2006/early 2007, and i was literally stunned. just stunned. i mean, i could have written that shit last week. my life is in reruns, and it's not entirely a good thing.

that said, there is a lot in my life that i don't reveal, because of course there is. there has to be.

and that's forever the hardest part: that i'm self-embargoed from all the things i want to write about the most.

you treated my woman to a flake of your life
and when she came back she was nobody's wife

it was a very long year.

[ music | none ]

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

the space between

greetings from washington, dc. (okay, so i cheated and took the above photo in virginia on monday night, but virginia is literally like a 20-minute drive from here. america never ceases to amaze me in that you can drive for like half an hour and end up in another state.)

after a slightly nerve-wracking flight very early monday morning - the words i never want to hear after a delay taxiing on the tarmac: "we're having a minor maintenance issue." - i made it in to my work's office here, and i'm here for another hour before flying home to toronto tonight. and it was a fun trip -- lots of work integration in between my usual american grocery-shopping and good times with dc colleagues, including a kazaxe exercise class on monday night:

the after-photos are mostly us looking like shell-shocked sweaty messes, so none of those will be posted, the end.

also, you know, the whole business-travel thing is a pretty sweet deal in general. as i gleefully said to a friend (who just got back from a two-week work trip): "dude, we're traveling for work. we're adults now!"

it always strikes me, though, how lonely i find travel sometimes.

this is a weird quirk i don't really understand. i mean, i often choose to travel alone, so it's strange that i can sit in a hotel room by myself and feel lonely -- especially since at first, i'm stoked to feel like an actual, responsible adult (and not just like my parents are in the adjoining room). but then i get in and toss my suitcase down and take in my surroundings, and it feels...empty.

i didn't travel much with the boy when we were together (aside from a weekend in montreal that we mostly spent drunk, and a trip to the east coast three years later where i, rather tellingly, spent a lot of time doing stuff by myself). there were myriad reasons for this, none of which i could argue: he already traveled enough while touring with the bands, so when he was home he wanted to be home; he couldn't take the time off because as a freelancer, you take whatever work you can get, when you can get it; he didn't have the money to spare. so me being all "but i want to take you on vacaaaation!" seemed pretty out of the question. which means that, as i said, i've done most of my trips alone in the last few years.

so what i think it goes back to is my days touring with bands. the shared hotel rooms were, to me, one of the most fun parts of being on the road -- it was like crashing with a bunch of awesome, hilarious brothers. i mentioned it near the end of this blog post from 2010 as well, which makes sense. it's that emptiness i feel where i'd once had someone, or many someones, on an adventure with me. it hangs out in the pit of my stomach and drags me down.  it makes me want somebody there with me, which annoys me because i'm usually pretty okay with being by myself.

but this is, like so many things in my life right now, something i have to deal with.

anyway, that's all from me right now -- just a brief self-observation before i head to the airport and begin drinking as much wine as possible to numb my flight anxiety. (i'm also flying to chicago next monday to spend all of tuesday in meetings before flying back that night, so y'know, trial by fire and all that.)

[ music | florence + the machine, "shake it out" ]

Saturday, December 1, 2012

one big holiday

december! made it.

as i said back at the end of october, november's always been my most-hated month (also generally the one where i tend to get hit with seasonal depression, and i was super-wary about it after this turbulent year especially), and so this year i set out to keep myself busy and line up a bunch of things to look forward to. at the end of november 2012, here are some of the notable things i did/accomplished/whatever:

- participated in the strip spelling bee
- went to chicago for a weekend
- got tattooed (twice!)
- managed to do my requisite two crossfit classes every week (and took part in their potluck last weekend)
- crazy amounts of cooking and baking
- decorated my apartment (holla ikea)
- had friends over for an american election-viewing get-together (wherein there was much drinking and yelling at my tv)
- lots of friend hangs in general, including with the ex-boy which has been nice
- karaoke madness!
- saw some live gigs and movies
- watched a lot of 30 rock

i also did my valiant best at no-sugar november, though my efforts were occasionally derailed after the hedonistic weekend (diet-wise anyway) in chicago. i haven't yet seen the final tally of participants' scores, but i'm betting i came out somewhere in the middle. maybe towards the bottom. definitely not last or first, but i can be okay with that. if anything, it taught me that there's way more sugar hiding in unexpected things, and also that i don't do well with depriving myself of things. (also, it served as a nagging reminder that when i stop drinking, i automatically and rapidly lose weight. still not enough motivation for me to stay away from my precious, precious vodka.)

anyway, a very full and very successful november, i think -- with absolutely no sign of the sads, thank god. and now we're on to december, a month i've always enjoyed because for one, i'm a good canadian girl who likes winter, and for two, i love the holidays. love them. full stop.

tangent time! i can never understand those who don't like the holiday season.

i know a whole bunch of grinches, as well as some people who think it's cool to hate on christmas or whatever, but i've never felt that way. to me, the holidays are all about family, and getting together with friends to celebrate good times, and lots and lots of drinking.

additionally, i really enjoy buying presents for people. (i'm assuming the "make them love you by buying them things!" instinct is leftover from my parents' divorce, because it's popped up in every relationship i've been as well. i literally spoil the fuck out of whatever guy i'm with; it's kind of a bad habit.) i have a pretty big extended family, so i don't go overboard, but i plan and budget and really think through what i want to get for everyone. i try not to cop out with gift cards, and instead actually put thought into what people might like. gift-giving is serious business to me.

oh, and also serious business: holiday baking. i probably inherited this from my mother, but december is time to strategically consider what to make for holiday gifts in terms of cookies, bars, candy, whatever. they make for nice little presents for coworkers and friends, plus it's easy on my bank account and it lets me indulge my love for kitchen projects. it's all kinds of win for me. really, i have a ridiculous amount of fun just taking a weekend to make fudge or bake cookies or whatever. the most wonderful time of the year!

so yeah, i have plenty of good nostalgic memories with snow and christmas songs and general holiday cheer, though i understand some people don't and that's why they're grumpy about the season. (case in point: the now-ex boy greatly disliked christmas, which i always found a massive bummer. he had his reasons, though.) i get that part of it, too. i have all the nostalgic feeeeeels and then i go back to my mom's house and start to slowly go insane because i remember why i don't live near my family. being the black sheep of the bunch is never so obvious as it is around the holidays. i usually end up being the surly scowly one in the corner, with too many tattoos and too much black eyeliner.

fortunately, this is what wine is for. (and irish coffees, and eggnog with rum, and...)

good cheer from alcohol aside, december itself puts me in a happy mood, so i'm already many shades more cheerful than i've been in previous months.  lots to look forward to on the horizon!

and lastly, in case you hadn't seen it (and because i'm always down with embarrassing myself further), i was challenged to sing the divinyls' "i touch myself" at the movember karaoke challenge on thursday night. (also, when you're selling raffle tickets by the span of a person's arms, those of us with freakishly long limbs have a genetic advantage. i won pretty much one of everything.) there was no way i was backing down:

where my groupies at?!

[ music | radiohead, "fake plastic trees" ]