Thursday, September 24, 2009

back to the past

oh, blah.

you know, i actually get a great deal of joy - as well as a sucker-punch to the gut by melancholy nostalgia - by reading old blog entries (both from this blog and my old opus), which is why i still refuse to let this one die or go un-updated for, like, months. (i personally think that personal blogs have receded in popularity, mostly due to the advent of things like twitter which fulfill our need for self-gratification in 140 characters or less) i still keep thinking that someday, maybe like a year or two into the future, my life might be unexpectedly different, and i'll get some comfort and perspective by reading what i'm writing now -- reading about what my life is like right now.

because really, life is rather slow and pedestrian, and i'm more or less okay with that. sure, as mentioned before, i get all melancholy and nostalgic at times and go back to read blog entries from the days when my life was all rollercoaster-like and fucked up, but on a whole, i'm okay with the way things are right now. security is nice. not having to worry about all kinds of day-to-day shit is nice. having a solid awesome relationship? really nice. so, there's plenty of benefits to an "ordinary life" and plenty of things to make me happy.

but yes, i do miss the better parts of my old life. i miss the crazy spontaneity, i miss the stupidity and recklessness of youth, i miss having few obligations or duties to anyone or anything, i miss having that flexibility and freedom. but those things, i know, are the product of an immature life. it's okay to live that way for a while - you're pretty much pardoned for it in your early to mid-twenties - but unless you're alright with maintaining that unstable life forever (hello, musicians), then it's not a good lifestyle choice.

yet some people can handle it. me? i couldn't. i stress out too much about instability, and especially about not having the funds or the means to pay my debts and living expenses. and trust me, speaking as someone who lived that way for four years - ping-ponging between three jobs at once, never being able to have enough money for things, constantly worrying about the rent and bills, dealing with angst from boys and bands - it's a whole lot of stress and bad and lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling.

ironic that i have a tattoo reading "no tomorrow girl" when i always stressed about what tomorrow would bring. and so, i was never the best candidate to maintain that off-the-cuff life for long.

so yes, i am keenly aware that i'm turning twenty-six in just over two weeks, and i have more adult responsibilities than ever (as my student loan payments keep rudely reminding me). sure, i don't want to grow up too fast or too completely - my boyfriend, who is now in his 40th year of life, is a great promulgator of this idea - but i know that there are certain avenues that are off-limits to me now. i have too many ties, now, to people and things.

part of me - the wanderlust-loving wild child that never fully disappeared after i moved back from vancouver - isn't at all okay with this. that part of me is horrified that i've let myself become so dependent on rudimentary, stable things, like toronto friends, family close by, my job, and even my relationship. that part of me has always firmly stuck to the "live alone, die alone" rule, spurned all ideas of routines and ordinary things, and basically has been the side of me that starts hollering if i get too comfortable. it's my id, i guess, but also the part of me that knows i have to keep growing if i want to evolve. it wants me to mix things up, not stay in one place too long. but now, i have to learn how to rein that impulse in, and learn to be happy with what i've got. it's all i've ever really wanted, after all, and a life that many would envy. i'm lucky in that regard. i just wish i could make it all even out.

oh yeah, and i'm turning old in a couple weeks. downside (other than being one more year closer to - gulp - 30): birthday plans for dinner with the boy have been canceled (boy's working out of town all that week and i probably won't even see him until the following weekend). upside: i now have the option of going home to kingston on thursday the 8th instead of friday the 9th! might be worth it to miss the thanksgiving long-weekend traffic. might not be worth it because i'll be rushed on thursday evening and i won't be able to go to the gym friday morning, thus negating the obscene amount of calories that'll be in my birthday cake that evening. is it sad that i concern myself with such things? whatever, i'm almost 26, for chrissakes.

okay, that's enough babble from me tonight. more later? perhaps.

[ music | nada surf, "inside of love" ]

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

midweek fantasy

i'm writing this entry purely because steve e. has a blog again, and this is cause for much celebration and parades and confetti. and a random blog entry from me. yeppers.

also, it's 9/9/9, which has gotta mean something.

anyway, i posted it on twitter the other day - and have since been foisting it upon anyone fool enough to be in contact with me on a daily basis - but here is the video for new burning brides single "flesh and bone", from the soundtrack for the movie suck, which is premiering at tiff this week, and you really, really ought to check it out. (the movie and the music video, i mean.)

full disclaimer (and background details): the director/writer/star of the movie is an old friend - and current bandmate - of my boyfriend's; he based the character of the main band's drummer off of my boyfriend (if i remember right, the description of the character was: "he's nice...but sort of dumb"); my boyfriend himself, while not playing the role of himself (long story), instead plays a smaller part -- as the drummer of moby's death metal band. yeah, you read that right. anyway, pretty much the entire cast is all friends of friends and good people in general, and the movie itself looks fucking amazing. so psyched to see it when it gets a wider release -- fingers crossed!

giving it up for this headline: spider (not from mars) named after david bowie. i read this news over the weekend and think it's one of the coolest things i've heard in a while, even though it seems like a sneaky plot to try and pander to celebrities for research funding.

meanwhile, the coolest thing i've officially read all week is chuck klosterman discussing/reviewing this new fangled band called "the beatles". any new chuck is alright by me. so. much. love

it's always an interesting time when musicians go missing. then they inevitably turn up in another province/state/country and the rest of us are left to fill in the blanks.

i seriously have never heard of the winner of this year's mercury prize. uh...anyone? anyone?

conversely, i am in love every time someone posts depeche mode news on ontd!, because inevitably a gif party of hilarious proportions ensues. and with the number of embarrassing 80's music videos that that band has, there is no lack of material for hilarious gifs.

oh yeah, and today was my first day wearing my new glasses (bought not because i really needed them per se, but because 1) i got them for free and 2) they look foxy) - pictures to come once i stop being so lazy and crotchety about having my photo taken - and i'm still not entirely totally used to them. i'm now not entirely totally sure it was a very good idea to get them. but hey, might be saving my eyesight ten years down the road after staring at computer screens for eight hours a day?

alright, now i'm really off -- birthday-card shopping later, then cd review/paycheque pickup, mall food-court dinner, and feeding kittens at the humane society until the late hours of the night. see ya.

[ music | mgmt, "time to pretend" ]

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

when september ends

oh, hello.

here are some things of interest and note in this first week of september:

the big super major freakout news here in toronto is that new rock supergroup them crooked vultures are playing on october 9th, which happens to be my birthday, which means if i had been planning on organizing anything for my birthday, none of my friends would show up because they'd all be going to the gig instead. but no fear, i'd already planned to just go home to kingston that afternoon anyway, so bitterness: averted! i just can't compete with the mightiness of grohl.

trent reznor explains why he's quitting touring. all will be revealed! and as expected, it's trent making a stand against the tyranny and greed of the music industry. between him and radiohead, it's almost enough to make one wonder if the coup d'etat is (finally) coming.

on the flip side, lostprophets don't think too much of thom yorke and co. i love me some 'prophets, but i don't really know what to say for anybody who even remotely covers snow. even for just one line. just say no to "informer".

gorillaz + horrors = ???. to be entirely honest, i didn't even know that gorillaz were still putting out albums -- but i guess damon albarn has to keep busy. (oh by the way, blur nemesis oasis officially broke up. i guess some of you might have heard by now.)

patrick wolf's cape: wanted dead or alive. well hey, it is a "vulture" cape. no word on if it's crooked or not.

c/o chartattack grist 13 and shitty 7 (yes, still going and still funnier than it has any right to be): average cats, the dryly satirical flipside to i can has cheezburger -- and pretty much just as funny.

public service announcement: kill hannah's new album, wake up the sleepers, comes out in one month. and you can bet yer ass i'm gonna buy it, listen to it, and cry. (tears of joy and happiness, that is.)

another thing to look forward to - if you're a foodie, that is - and possibly preorder is the pioneer woman's first cookbook. lady's recipes are pretty much foolproof, as far as i've heard (and tried), so if you're not afraid of butter (like i sort of am), then it's definitely worth a thought. guaranteed it'll have gorgeous photos of food pr0n to look at!

now, we are right in the middle of the week of catching up on my social life: saw julie & julia with kat last night (then a farewell-to-summer bbq at her and her hubby's place on sunday), drinking with leora and company at the tap on thursday and sushi dinner with penny on friday, all this interspersed with work, gym, spin class, errands and feeding teh kittehz. then, come this weekend, comes time to pick out foxy librarian glasses -- and believe you me, the boy is very excited. eheh.

in less exciting news, i'm now committed to drinking two litres of water a day. been doing it for the last two weeks and my skin looks fucking fantastic.

[ music | white rose movement, "cigarette machine" (club mix) ]