Friday, August 29, 2008

got to be some more change in my life

i had seven faces
thought i knew which one to wear
but i'm sick of spending these lonely nights
training myself not to care
the subway she is a porno
and the pavements they are a mess
i know you've supported me for a long time
somehow i'm not impressed

it's up to me now.

turn on the bright lights.

[ music | none ]

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

i am the passenger

new fancy matblog! i really do prefer the ancient matblog - archive here - but any stream-of-consciousness rambling from my favourite prettyboy frontman is good. very good.

not so good for another frontman (though not such a pretty one these days): blogger arresting for leaking guns n' roses tracks from chinese democracy. that dude so ain't getting his can of dr. pepper.

perfect segueway: slash is doing a free q&a session near los angeles. btw, it's weird how lately i've been having this longing to go back and visit l.a. again. i didn't enjoy it as much as i thought i would the first time, but i half-suspect that if i were to go back a second time with a better idea of what to do and where to go (and also, uh, have the cash with which to have fun), then it will live up to my expectations of legendary awesomeness. hmmm, someday.

in a neat study, it was determined that songwritings mention the eyes most of any body part, along with heads, hands, and face. though of course, hip-hop mentions the ass more than any of `em. who didn't see that coming?

holy balls, when did the virgin festival lineup get so good? frank chromewaves reports on some of the names being bandied around for the sidestage, and a few sound pretty sweet. then again, those few are my friends, so it's kind of a given that they'd have my vote of confidence.

should you buy maple leaf foods? how is this a question? go vegetarian.

oh yeah, and because i'm so ahead of the times, i finally saw the dark knight in imax on monday night. now i really don't know if i could see it again -- not because it wasn't fucking awesome, but because i got totally spoiled by seeing it in imax. all those city shots and views from big heights? so, so excellent. (one thing not so excellent: christian bale voicing batman as a throat cancer patient. seriously, i love the bale, but couldn't they have dubbed kevin conroy's voice into it or something...?)

as my msn tagline says, long weekend = this weekend = montreal weekend. hell yes.

[ music | depeche mode, "behind the wheel" ]

Friday, August 22, 2008

some enchanted evening

i forgot to mention earlier, for the lolz, that there is very little more weird than walking into your grandparents' living room to spot a framed photo of you on the bookshelf -- wearing a bondage coat. ("well, it was the best photo i had of you at the time," my mother huffed when i moaned about it later) i will hopefully have something more decent to pass on after next week, as i have volunteered to help john p. bolster his portfolio of people profile photos. try saying that ten times fast.

punk news reports on cnn reporting on guitar hero saving rock n' roll. i am so much more giving of the rock band love.

what i like to see in a headline: feuding gallaghers! i'm not totally huge on oasis but i'm always intrigued by the latest rantings and dust-ups of noel and liam. bless the british rock stars.

idolator reports on the kerrang! awards; people still care about 30 seconds to mars. oh, leto. what you won't do to extend your fifteen minutes in the sun.

i find it kind of funny that the coast are getting big. one of the members of that band holds the honour of "most awkward pickup attempt ever" for me. (at least, i think he was trying to pick me up. it was so awkward i wasn't even sure at the time.)

vote c'mon please. and watch this video! it's full of drunken newfies and the power of rock. (and my boyfriend is actually not shirtless there, too bad for you.)

in case you haven't already heard, we got us some tainted lunch meat up here. now more than ever am i glad that i don't eat meat anymore. well, okay, except once and a while. usually when i'm too wasted to know any better. but mmmm, veggies! (i ate a whole mango with a bowl of peaches tonight and i'm totally not ashamed)

by the way - and some of you may know of my semi-obsessive interest in homeopathy and health/nutrition studies - now that i have the cash with which to supplement my meager vegetarian diet, i'm back on the pills. i'm now taking fish oil supplements twice a day and three calcium magnesium zinc pills along with a multivitamin in order to boost my system, plus i'm drinking approximately five cups of green tea a day to flush out the free radicals. also on the topic of self-improvement, i've upped my four-times-weekly cardio sessions by twenty minutes. my body is totally in "omg fuck you" mode.

by the way part 2: i fail to understand how the female species got to the point where we would willingly spend a large amount of money to have someone smear hot wax on our bits and then rip it (and the underlying hair) off, followed by tweezing the surface.

um...just sayin'.

[ music | motley crue, "saints of los angeles" ]

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

taking back control

i think that tomorrow, she may ask me if i miss it.

she was there with me in the old days, after all; back in the days of fishnets and cocked fedoras and coy glances, parading through the dark bars on stiletto heels, hoping for a glance or a smile or a few words from our demigods. as far as i know, she's still doing it and still young enough to have fun with it, although i gave it up a while ago ("domesticated," i'd once sneered about one of our ilk who'd retired to the same sort of situation, but now i understand that it isn't that way at all) for better things. i grew out of it, more or less. and so she might ask if i miss that life.

there are some things that i do miss.

mostly, i miss the spontaneity of it -- the nervousness and the anxiety, the heady excitement, the feeling like anything can happen on any given night in that world. i miss the odd surrealism, the out-of-body experiences, the juxtaposing of my idealistic childhood with those self-actualized glory days. i miss the vain specialness of it that allowed me to mentally flip the bird to all the girls in my childhood who belittled me and told me i was nothing -- instead, in that world, i was everything they weren't. i miss the brief (though artificial) feeling of being invincible, of ruling the world.


i do not miss how they made me feel like i wasn't good enough.

i do not miss hating myself in the morning.

i do not miss the crushing lack of trust in anyone.

i do not miss how they never remembered my name.

i do not miss sex being a cold, empty thing.

i do not miss how they made me feel worthless.

and now that i've actually experienced having someone care about me in return, i don't know how i could ever go back to what i tolerated before. no matter how much i call them my glory days, they were destroying me inside, and i don't think i'd get out alive again.

i'll take the present over the past any day.

[ music | kill hannah, "welcome to chicago, motherfucker" ]

Monday, August 18, 2008

it feels like the first time

it is monday, thus: i return as promised!

and because i am also lazy, here are a few photos from this past weekend's family reunion (actually my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary, but whatevs), expertly snapped by my stepfather and his bazillion dollar camera:

myself with the woman who is, of course, my mother. i don't know how much of the resemblance is there (to be fair though, i don't look much like my father either -- it's more of a creepily exact genetic cross), but there ya go.

the required family-group photos, edition: my family. stepsiblings and stepdad on the left; myself, mother and sister on the right. good-lookin' bunch, us.

holy balls, that is one massive family. howell gene pool for the win!

cousins waiting for the celebratory dinner to get underway. (across from me in the blue shirt is my vancouver cousin rob; at the end of the table is little lindsay, with dan to the right and my stepbrother cam in front of me)

my happiness is directly preportional to the amount of merlot in my wineglass.

my grandmother gave birth to all of these people. my grandmother is badass.

i know a great many people who would enjoy this sign, so of course i had to take a shot of it. so much win.

so yeah, it was an okay time despite the fact that i would've rather spent the weekend in toronto, y'know, actually doing useful stuff (when you work the nine to five during the week, you need pretty much all your weekend time for errands and relaxing and whatnot), but hey, i spent almost all of saturday drunk off my ass, so who am i to complain? good times. even with that crappy motel bed giving me a backache.

ummm some more stuff:

when i saw the headline "marilyn manson and limp bizkit, together at last", i figured it to be a sure sign of the apocalypse. but it turns out that manson just hired wes borland as his guitarist, which actually could be pretty cool.

guitar movie to premiere at the toronto film festival, featuring jimmy page, jack white and the edge. be interesting to see if any of `em are in attendance...

balls to you, cnn. gay marriage is legal in parts of your country now, parenthesises not included. suck it up.

lily allen claims new album will be out soon. i didn't like the girl much last year, but compared to katy perry, she's golden. let's have it.

oh yeah, and kill hannah last friday night! awesome. just so awesome. mat was singing so well i was convinced for a while that he was lip-synching, but nope. was good to see the guys again and have some chats, as well as being befriended by a member of innerpartysystem who was a super nice dude. (holla to jesse, if he ever stumbles across this!) and again, it was a riotous little blast from the past for amanda and i to once again be standing amongst a sea of underage, shrieking kh fans, us ourselves singing along and snapping photos and freaking out like the old days. she and i were among the very first handful of kh fans in canada, and to look around at that sea of young fans made me feel like a proud mother. :P or at least an elder stateswoman of the canadian branch of the fandom. emphasis on the "elder".

though unfortunately, my hollered request for "hummingbirds the size of bullets" fell on deaf ears from the band. woe! (but they played "big shot" so what the fuck am i complaining about)

i am in serious need of sleep. signing off...

[ music | depeche mode, "john the revelator" ]

Friday, August 15, 2008

leave the blue lights on

because i am remiss for not having shared this sooner - and also because it was his birthday on wednesday!(!!11) - here is my brother adam with his band, lustkillers, on tour last month. i really just adore watching him play, although he'd probably smirk and make a crude sexual comment about me if he heard me say that. then i'd probably throw something at him. this is why he is my brother from another mother. (and i'm always endlessly amused when people actually do think he's my sibling)

also in the extended rockstar family (aka my former brethren), i talked to one bassmaster (now guitarmaster!) denyss about his new band, left spine down. who are totally and utterly rad, by the way. they're doing two dates at the kathedral here in toronto next month and i'm pretty damn stoked.

back in the real world, scientists discover that taking the pill causes women to make bad relationship choices. seriously! that's my excuse for years 2003 through 2007 and i'm sticking to it.

partial list of cmj participants! every year i want to go back - mostly because i kind of totally fell in love with new york city when i went to cmj 2006 - and this year i might actually have the funds and/or available weekend time to go. hell, i might even qualify for paid vacation time by then. sweet! ten-hour bus ride through shitty upper new york state, here i come.

idolator brings the week's lulz with a post about...danzig's house. including a mysterious pile of bricks in the front yard which may or may not be a "statement". of evil.

btw, biggest gossip of the week is that carah isn't in shiny toy guns anymore. i've heard two conflicting rumours -- one that says she got married and moved to sweden, and one that says she was fired because she wanted to co-write the new album. maybe all three things happened, who knows. anyway, according to this site, the new singer is some reject from that pussycat dolls reality show. she's cute, i guess, but i don't know if anyone has the pipes to match carah's. hmmmm. ("sisely treasure" is a total porn star name though, innit?)

on a related note, kill hannah is playing in town tonight. i have been bouncing off the walls literally all goddamn week. there is going to be boozing and merch-buying and bandstalking and photo-taking and i am going to love every fucking minute of it, because i love every fucking minute i get to spend with those guys. it's all too rare these days.

oh! and yes, as i mentioned in last update's angstisode, i did drain my entire savings account and get a new ipod on tuesday. it's a little piece of ijoy, it is. as i mentioned before, it's a standard silver 4-gig nano; if i'd been able to wait until payday this friday, i might have been able to spring for something bigger and fancier, but i'm going to a family reunion out of town this weekend and tuesday was the only day i could've gone downtown to grab one. so: new music, and yes, family reunion. (which i'm starting to wish i'd taken the free pass out of -- i got in a fight with a family member earlier and was told that i "didn't have to come", but i ended up getting pulled back into the plans anyway)

see, even with the mass amounts of free alcohol that comes with these things, i recalled yesterday why i never much enjoy large family get-togethers: because there always seems to be an occasion or two where a certain parental unit never fails to try and assert their authority over their wayward youngest daughter; a kind of "she may be an adult now, but she's still my daughter and thus has to do what i say" moment. likewise, from my side there is generally a few occasions of "i may be their daughter, but i'm an adult and i do what i goddamn please". the instigator is interchangeable, but the avoidance of this happening is nada. so, some tension is generally expected, particularly given that i may or may not be showing up on less than three hours of sleep (pretty much definite), hungover or still drunk (i've already been given stern warning about showing up drunk, to which my inner teenager rolled her eyes). ah, what fun.

but hey, can't say i won't try be an adult and make the most of it. (by that, i mean i'll probably be drunk all weekend regardless.)

anyway, i'm getting the hell outta dodge ridiculously early tomorrow morning and i'll be back sunday, so don't expect any new posts until monday at the earliest.

peace out!

p.s. i really should have been listening to this song hardcore back in april and may -- those lyrics could have been my anthem at the time. then again, i suppose they still are.

[ music | the cure, "let's go to bed" ]

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

it's fucking funny don't you think

so now that i'm back plugged into a constant source of music (as of yesterday, mine mine mine), i figured last night that it was time for a brief overhaul of my mp3 library. aside from adding in the bunch of current tracks from the last year (or else last few months) that i mentioned in my last blog post, i took a moment to pull out my books full of albums that i'd actually kept before my move to vancouver. (if some of you recall, i went through a maniacal sweep of all my personal belongings before i moved across the country, which involved donating and/or selling off upwards of one hundred cds) it was these important ones that i'd kept for good reason, after all.

i didn't really expect browsing my old collection to hit me as hard as it did. sucker punch to the emotional gut.

as i went through them, i considered past favourites and old songs as possible additions to my new music library, and i wasn't all that surprised when i put the kibosh on a lot of them. it wouldn't have been easy to dredge up the past just for the sake of an extended playlist. but then there was the looking at the musician names and the credits, the thank-you lists and the pictures, the track listings and the lyrics. the rush of memories never fails to give me chills, chokes me up, makes me nauseous and makes my heart beat a bit faster. as remembering your coming of age should.

you don't remember, but i do.

i don't know if i could forget those years. not even if i tried. if i wanted to.

because i remember things like that. i remember the feeling of watching strange cities coming over the nighttime horizon through the window of a crowded van. i remember the moments i captured on film, and how they rest in stacked photo albums and torn envelopes stuffed in a bin in my father's basement. i remember the bus rides, the plane rides, and thinking so clearly that nothing in your life will be the same after this. i remember stumbling through hotel lobbies on unsteady stiletto heels. i remember a bathroom stall in the basement of a theatre in albuquerque. i remember smiling through the tears on a greyhound bus in new york city. i remember waking up in a hotel room in boston to stare at the wall blankly and wonder if this was the life i wanted, if it got better than this, if this was the lot in life for girls of my kind.

but none of that mattered in the long run, because i remember how it all made me feel alive like nothing ever had.

these days, the good thing is that i don't do what i used to -- wear it like a scar, a brand, a badge, an albatross around my neck, the connection that would let me hear the ghosts in the quiet hours. i believe that our current selves are obviously compendiums of all that's happened to us in the past, but i've at least stopped being a child and dwelling on it. it's more productive and growth-enabling to not bury your past and turn away from it all, but rather to accept those things, and to take the good out of those experiences, and to be aware that all of it helps make you who you are today, in this moment.

i can never forget where i came from. and i know that i shouldn't.

...for years people have been telling me that i ought to write a book someday. the problem would be that no one would understand it unless they'd lived it, and obviously i'm the only one who's lived my life. and, moreover, i'm not ready to open up this little world of mine. not quite yet.

(i smiled darkly as i clicked the link, and a past from another life unfolded on the computer screen. "...hi, boys. your little girl's all grown up now.")

though it all does make for one hell of a story, in the end.

[ music | jeff buckley, "hallelujah" ]

Monday, August 11, 2008

paradise regained

okay, so it may just be the fact that for the first (fine, second) time in my life, i have a job that affords me the weekends off...but man oh man, i think summer weekends are my favourite thing ever. sure, toronto has been devoid of sun on weekends for the most part, but the rest of it is all late nights, long walks, cigarettes on the back deck, errands, friend hangouts, patios, movie nights, heavy boozing, heavy petting, sleeping in very late while clad in very little, sushi, shopping, and a million other things. now i get it.

and as you may have heard, booooooom. that's a pretty scary headline to come home to after a happy weekend spent oblivious to massive explosions north of the city, let me tell you. (count me among the masses who didn't feel or notice anything when it went off, but i think i was asleep in a liquored-up stupor)

the astute writers of the a.v. club hit the nail on the head with the newest installment of what's pissing me off this week. some bitterness and bitch-slapping is always necessary for a healthy week, i think.

lay on more bitchery: top six "celebrities" who shouldn't be famous. i could get into the whole rant about celebrity culture and how they exist because we create them and need their lives to juxtapose next to our own for comparative purposes et cetera et cetera, but i won't. it's the masochistic dilemma of being a reasonably smart girl who can't help but shamefully enjoy empty-headed celebrity gossip.

the arcade fire show radiohead around montreal. and the only paparazzi following them were from pitchfork.

metal fans more prone to mental illness. i'm...not sure if that's a joke or not. what is fact, however, is that metal is badass.

oh by the way, verge xm awards. vote for c'mon. don't make me have to repeat this in every post from now until september.

tonight, in honour of the fact that i intend on buying a new ipod tomorrow - lilithpod bit the dust last month, if you recall, and i aim to finally replace it (i'm only getting a 4 gig nano though, no iphones or any fancy bullshit) - i went on a small tear of downloading and ripping new tunes to fill up those extra two gigs. aside from mp3s ripped from my collection of cds - mostly old moist and tea party favourites, as well as some local indie classics - i also snagged a bunch of retro depeche mode tracks (mostly stuff from 1997's ultra -- "home" omfg martin gore awesomeness), a rare remix of the sisters of mercy's "alice" (surprisingly of the original recording, not the 1993 redo), electronica dance punk from the faint and ladytron, cock-rock power chords courtesy of sixx: a.m. and the new motley crue single (which actually doesn't suck), and, er, coldplay (seriously, i don't give a shit how much you hate coldplay - i hate them too, don't worry - read these lyrics and tell me they don't destroy you inside) and...ashlee simpson. sorry.

recently, i've found myself glancing at the clock to see that the time is 11:11, either in the morning or at night. i don't wish for impossible things, but i always make a wish nonetheless.

[ music | ladytron, "ghosts" ]

Friday, August 8, 2008

pictures from the edge

two shoutouts to begin: 1. to my stepsis barb, who celebrated her 22nd birthday wednesday (22nd, holy jesus...i first met her when she was like 11 or something, and it's been good times ever since); and 2. to mon oncle, who i'm pretty sure is the one quebecois reader that my stats tracker keeps logging every few days -- hey uncle, the boy and i are thinking about coming down to montreal for labor day weekend...would it be okay if he and i crashed at your place? plus of course i want to see my favourite uncle ever and stuff :P

and one more important thing of note: if you have the time to make a total of three clicks, then would you spare that time to vote for the magnificent c'mon for best band and best album (bottled lightning of an all-time high) in the verge xm awards? (...if you as a reader are just joining us here, it's worth full disclosure to note that my boyfriend is their drummer -- though it is entirely honest for me to say that i was a fan of the band even before he joined :P) they are an insanely hard-working band and totally awesome and really do deserve to win. seriously, no bias here. well, okay, maybe a bit. but they really do rule!

okay, on to business.

i'm sure everybody in the damn world's heard about it by now, but iggy pop and the stooges' gear got stolen in montreal, and i'm making a mention of it now because that's the same thing that happened - in the same city, no less - to the black halos last year, and now there's serious doubts whether they can even be a band anymore. this kind of bullshit happens so much to so many undeserving bands (though i'm sure iggy's stuff was at least insured), and it just pisses me off. thieves in general piss me off, but especially those that prey on my rock n' roll brethren. they're poor enough, damn it.

buckcherry: lies, all lies! way to go with the expose, torrentfreak -- very clever. i have to admit to sort of liking buckcherry - in all their misogynistic, cock-rock glory (plus i interviewed them once and they were nice guys) - and i get that you have to play dirty these days to make any sort of ripple in the fickle music industry, but pointing fingers elsewhere while you cross your own behind your back? lame.

also lame: wolfmother go boom. idolator makes a nice little point about their label folding because of bankruptcy -- wouldn't be the first time i've seen a label go down and take its clients with it. v. sad.

pete doherty plans sexpose book about kate moss. keep it classy, peter.

new favourite thing alert: failblog. i can't explain why but it's that kind of stuff that makes me collapse into hysterical giggles for hours. i dunno, random humour?

back in the real world, octo's mention of this paul bernardo-styled douchebag equally made me laugh and boggle in fright, since that creep used to hit on me all the time. he was regular customer at my supermarket in the east end years ago, and he'd hit on all the cute young female cashiers in the store. he'd always sidle up to me, get suuuuuper close and stare in a freakily intense way and murmur shite like "you look very beautiful today, caitlin". i always blew it off because i find that stuff more intimidating than attractive, and i never called him after he forced his number on me. the rest of his cashier victims had a good laugh at my expense though. XP ick ick ick.

okay, so last night, before my laptop's keyboard decided to explode and start malfunctioning everywhere (i guess that's sort of what happens when you splash water on it by accident...ah well, leaving it open and turned on its side overnight to dry out did the trick), i was actually going to work on this blogpost, and was considering listening to a cd for a good thursday-evening soundtrack. what did i end up grabbing?

of course: moist - mercedes five and dime. (to be fair, i might've chosen another one of their albums - probably machine punch through - but i had the majority of them stolen years ago and never got around to buying them back)

and yeah, i know i make a post with this sort of mention in it at least three times a year, but there really is something about listening to the music that you loved as an adolescent. it's the kind of thing that brings you back and centers you, and that's exactly the feeling that i get when i listen to "breathe" or "underground" -- remembering the summer days of kingston when i was sixteen, seventeen, on my way to finishing high school and then on to my vainglorious future.

it might be a cheesy, emo-teenager thing to say, but it's this music that puts me right where i need to be, and this music that makes me remember who i am and where i came from, and how this all started, and how nothing in my life would have been the same otherwise.

my ipod's been broken for weeks and it's a very sad thing.

[ music | pearl jam, "black" ]

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

kiss the world goodbye

longggg weekendddd! over. :( but, if my absence from blogging is any indication, i made the most of the past three days of gorgeous weather, no work, and basically not being at my apartment for the entirety of the weekend. there was sangria, baseball games, fireworks, scrabble in the sun, a shitload of alcohol, sushi, zombie movies, cigarettes, baked goods, sleeping in late, long walks, and general good times. fuck yeah.

and there are also pictures!

the boy gets things started off proper on saturday -- beer, cigarette, trucker hat, no shirt. he is not ironic in any of this. that's why my boyfriend rules more than your boyfriend, sry.

it's close to impossible to see, but there's the last vestiges of a rainbow right over the rooftop there. (there were actually two at one point, but i was busy in the kitchen finishing up baking approximately a bazillion ginger cookies) sweet!

my summertime patio/deck diet: belmont milds and vodka-based beverages. (in this case, raspberry smirnoff and diet 7-up. god, i am such a fucking girl)

your narrator herself, moi-meme in all my sweaty summertime glory. note the fact that my hair is no longer black. you can't see the disappointment on my face at this fact.

saturday's sangria concoction of choice: red wine mixed with grand marnier and black cherry lemonade, marinating large amounts of raspberries, cherries and blackberries. the boozeberries are the best part, really.

anti-communist march that we just happened to pass by in chinatown on sunday afternoon. i just sort of like the composition of this shot more than anything.

scrabble and drinking on the back deck on a sunny sunday afternoon. he won. (good game, though -- and yes, online dictionaries had to be consulted. "riwioli" is not a word, though i am quite aware of that)

sunday's sangria choice looks innocent, but it actually contains an entire bottle of white wine, a mickey of tequila and over a cup of grand marnier (as well as that shitload of fruit). and, oh, not much mix. saying the aftermath was brutal would be a slight understatement. (i nearly puked twice before my body decided it was going to let me suffer instead with blackouts and waves of nausea)

also, because we had watched planet terror the night beforehand, at one point i rolled over drunkenly and commented, "we ought to call this machete sangria -- because we just fucked with the wrong mexican."

another cheesy random nature shot that i just liked the composition of -- this time a poppy garden i snapped en route to the supermarket monday morning. when i actually shook off the hangover coma, that is.! there is a toronto long weekend in a short pictorial. i don't have a very good camera and so i don't use it much, but in these long summer days of reflection and self-examination, i've felt more of a need to document things. creating tangible history. i just figure it'll be worth it.

so are the most current realizations: that sometimes actions matter more than words, definitions aren't the same for every case, things are never set in stone, lines can be blurred, and the future is always uncertain (but not always in a negative way).

and, when it comes to affairs of the heart, there is always hope.

so for the first time in my short life of heartbreak and misery, i'm going to finally stop believing that love is a losing game. it isn't. instead, it's what you make of it, and it is never the same way twice.

i'm learning more every day, you know.

happy august.

[ music | interpol, "untitled" ]