Thursday, July 31, 2008

just a shot away

(more waterworks on the phone again tonight. it's almost getting interesting, now.)

now seriously, holy motherfucking shit. this was the immediate talk of the office first thing this morning. ian likened it to "being like something out of a total horror movie -- but for real" and i have to agree.

on the fictional horror book end (though "horror" is kind of reaching), the twilight phenomenon is only growing bigger. i bring this up because i finally checked new moon (the second of the quartet) out of the library last week, and i haven't felt so ashamed about reading an entirely shitty book through to its conclusion in a long time. i guess sometimes you really do just need mind candy. (...jesus christ, though, can i just mention how little of an empathetic heroine bella is? she just seems to me like a helpless, reckless brat that doesn't deserve nearly the amount of male attention she garners. actually, i was grasping for a similar fictional comparison and came up with relena peacecraft, which i think is very close)

snoop dogg entourage arrested for marijuana possession; sky still blue. geez, it's like that time they charged willie nelson for pot possession. what do they expect?

also over there at jam!, there's a rather neat trent reznor retrospective. and the dude ain't even dead yet. loves me some trent. (and "closer" is totally a stripper anthem, but i think you'd have to be a goth stripper for it to properly work)

billy corgan complains about stuff again. come to think of it, maybe he and c-love are meant for each other after all.

new york mag profiles while august movies usually tend to suck balls. um, can't say i disagree with any of the pics there in that collage. (though i still have giggle-worthy memories of octo and i going to see snakes on a plane...hah!

long weekend coming up; gotta make it through friday first. go fast plz!

[ music | interpol, "untitled" ]

Monday, July 28, 2008

something fast

this will likely mean very little to anyone else, but

i fell asleep last night thinking only of an evening in vancouver - this night, actually, though i believe it might have been referring to a night the previous week before that - spent walking the downtown streets alone close to midnight, motorcycle jacket and wedge cap and beat-up sneakers against the pavement, hands jammed into my pockets, keeping myself away from asking the question i didn't know how to phrase and that he wouldn't have known how to answer.

it was a different time, a different life and a different scenario, but the sentiment was the same. it was the same sort of unanswerable question.

and i smiled wryly over the phone as i talked to my mother tonight. "there aren't small mercies for things like that in life, are there?"

less high drama, perhaps, but i still never do things the easy way. though by now i've started to think that maybe that's not just me -- maybe that's being human.


[ music | placebo, "special needs" ]

Sunday, July 27, 2008

comme ci comme ca

up too early again on a weekend. well, it happens. (and at least it gives me time to blog some links and commentary for you lovely people -- while on my fourth cup of coffee)

in soviet russia, emo rules your teenagers. i'm getting more of a kick out of that accompanying magazine article pic. what the hell?

the faint are on tour, and end up here august 21st! that makes me happy in the dancing pants. i may or may not actually try to go this time. my sense of urgency when it comes to must-see shows has gone lax, what can i say... (though i'm still excited as shit for when kill hannah play here in a couple weeks)

omfg, google pedestrian maps! although i don't exactly have the time to get out and walk as much as i used to, the feets are still my main method of transportation, and it's kind of cool to see a general estimate of how much time it'll take for me to hike from point a to point b. (although that's very general of an estimate, given how quickly i walk compared to average humans)

bionic video interview. that interviewer is absolute shite, but omfg those guys. i wrote it on their facebook fanpage wall, and i'll repeat it again here: they are some of my favourite people. ever. (they are on tour out east right now, too! good luck, darlings!)

british columbia couple have 18 babies in 23 years. jesus fucking christ.

speaking of jesus fucking christ moments, this video disturbed pretty much all of us on friday. i might kind of be a bad person for laughing aloud at many of the comments left on digg.

in my off-moments, i keep finding myself drifting back to a text file version of twilight, yet i can't make myself really enjoy it, or think of it as anything more than badly written - and incredibly sanitary - fanfiction. i did love lost souls, after all. (to whit: "The book is graphic in its presentation of kinky sex mixed with vampirism and murder but nonetheless compelling.")

oh, and i'd be remiss to let this entry go without a plug for nirvana, probably my new favourite neighbourhood resto. nothing like cheap quality food and cheap awesome booze to keep a girl happy.

time to get this sunday started off right. is it wrong that i'm already looking forward to next weekend, since it's a long weekend here in ontario? oh well.

[ music | afi, "love like winter" ]

Thursday, July 24, 2008

all we are is all so far

i've been thinking about things lately. it's kind of a thing i do, as you may have noticed. comes with the territory of being a girl with more than just empty space between her ears.

lately, as a change from the endlessly repeated hipster anthems and retardedly long commercial "breaks" on indie 103.1, i've started streaming k-rock 105.7 at work. and holy mother of christ, when i first started doing that, it was like opening a fucking sentimental floodgate. see, i more or less grew up with k-rock - it was the station that picked up the torch after the much-mourned demise of 103.7 the river, which was the first rock station i dug after moving to kingston when i was fourteen - and it was a common tradition for barb and i to sit up late in her bedroom and listen to the music. (we also had a fun adolescent time equally befriending and harassing the deejays) it was my entry to mainsteam rock radio, and i was a goner.

(it is worth noting, however, that the river was to blame for playing a particular song by a particular band one night when i was fifteen and lying on my stomach on my bedroom floor and struggling with my math homework, and my life fucking changed forever.)

anyway, whatever. so i've been listening to this station all over again for the last week or so, getting news updates from my hometown and realizing just how much k-rock completely fucking shaped my musical tastes (they specialize in everything that spans from classic rock to postgrunge to shitty alt-metal -- in other words, lots of guitars and lots of testosterone with the occasional creed song thrown in with no fucking irony whatsoever). it's very kingston, very blue-collar working dude soundtrack, but what it did for me was remind me of my adolescence, and where i was as a teenager when i was listening to this same station in. and, conversely, it made me look at where i am right now, and how far i've come since those days.

....i am from a generation that tends to pride itself on the discontent. i certainly wouldn't deny that, myself; i have always enjoyed my ennui, angst and high drama. they make life interesting, i used to think. but then i got older, and those concepts got older too, and just worn out. i was worn out. i was so tired of all the fucking complications.

i'm not going to say i was hard done by in vancouver, because i wasn't. i didn't lack for much comfort or material items, living on the west coast. but what i realized after i moved there is that, rather than escaping the drama that seemed to follow me around in ontario (and it did follow me to british columbia too, as expected), i had thrown myself completely into a life of discontent. i couldn't seem to find any footing, or any way to get through all the bullshit and depression that came with a life lived like that. sure, it was a trial by fire of sorts, and i did put myself up to it with complete consent, but...i don't know. for better or worse, my time in vancouver did what it was meant to do for me: take me out of my box. show me what was most important. force me to grow up a bit more. because i don't believe there can be any personal growth without a certain amount of suffering.

and so maybe i buckled too quickly. maybe i copped out too easily, after only eight months of cold rain and lonely nights. but i'd already seen hints that i had a better life waiting for me, and that things were starting to come together behind the scenes. things were being shaped, and there was a new life waiting for me once i realized what was truly important -- not self-imposed suffering and discontent and emotional masochism. those are childish things to indulge in, self-absorbed and empty things, and i was done with them. no more drama. i wanted out. i wanted to go home.

that was almost three months ago.

so these days, listening to a radio station from my youth - with its unchanging playlist, still filled with songs that used to soundtrack my teenage summers, when i was working as a supermarket cashier and being all awkward with boys and trying to get good grades for university applications, and then that one song got played and i was lost forever - really makes me take stock of my life at this moment, and where i am as opposed to where i was ten weeks or ten months or ten years ago.

i'm in toronto now, the city that is my heartland. i've got a super-nice little apartment in one of my favourite neighbourhoods in the city, and within walking distance of pretty much everything that matters. i've got the office job (maybe it's weird that i actually wanted a cubicle job, but hey, you try working shitty retail and hospitality jobs for eight years) that's ten minutes from my apartment and has great coworkers and will finally allow me to be independently financially stable for the first time in my life. i have got the solid relationship with a boy and it is fucking awesome time, all the time. i've got the girls and guys i've considered my best friends for years now. i've got all the hangouts and bars and clubs i've been practically living in since i was nineteen, freshly moved to toronto and wandering around downtown at night to simply stare at the skyscrapers in small-town amazement.

i've got my life back, but it's a different life now, and yet it's the same life i've had since i listened to that radio station as a teenager in kingston, dreaming of my future life. it's all better, and every day lately i've had moments of staring into space and telling myself that it's okay now, that everything's okay now, and how incredibly fucking lucky i am to have finally attained pretty much everything my adolescent self had wanted in an adult life.

you are exactly where you're meant to be.

i have finally come home.

[ music | interpol, "evil" ]

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

got nowhere to hide

severe thunderstorm watch on the horizon. pretty obvious, since the sky was a lovely indigo-black when i came back from the gym earlier tonight. it's doing the rumbly thing outside now, and the rain's coming down, which will be lovely to fall asleep to tonight...ah, atmosphere!

in the virtual world of the internets, ontd! brings us the 13 villains we'd like to see in the next batman. i am a catwoman fan through and through, kids. (when i was seven years old, i had a poster of michelle pfeiffer in full leather bodysuit on my bedroom wall. that seriously sounds dirty and homoerotic these days, i know, but it was a cool poster, damn it.) and oh fuck there was totally a spoiler in that article, and i haven't seen the movie yet due to lack of funds :( well, crap.

...though i guess that's okay because it's also reported that the movie could damage my hearing. although i really wanted to use that link to point out the hilarious pie-chart graphic at the top, which i sent to a coworker today and he replied with a vow to use it as his desktop background or something.

mercury prize nominees! ummmm tough call, there -- obviously radiohead's the biggest name on the list, but i'd give more odds to the last shadow puppets (whose titular single i can hear in my head right now) or robert plant & alison krauss. i don't even know about these things, and i do marketing for an online betting company. eh.

torontoist displays some choice washroom graffiti from around town. that post brought me joy, as one of the little things in life i love is making note of scribbles on bathroom walls. (my favourite is still the one stall in the horseshoe that reads i ♥ boys...but they actually ruin my life. so true, so true. ( least in past experience, for me. i got it pretty damn good right now, thanks.)

idolator grants a "well played, canadians" for our canadian idol "rock and roll heaven" week. i'm not sure that show should be encouraged in any way, shape or form, but if we've got the leg up on our american counterparts, then so be it.

sex pistols versus bloc party. racism! bloody brawls! ricky wilson! how i loves me the british band drama.

ok ok so i am seriously eighty kinds of tired right now, and really sick of staring at a computer screen. a good tuesday night to you all.

[ music | towers of london, "on a noose" ]

Sunday, July 20, 2008

happy days are here again

i love how i have an article that really needs to be done, like, two days ago, but i'm spending my sunday night blogging instead. it's good to be back in the system.

on the corporate end of the system, one of my go-to places is the a.v. club -- exactly for articles like this. the whole "i watched this on purpose" feature provides endless amusement.

courtney love continues to rant, point fingers and utterly confuse everybody. sanitorium much?

sex pistols cover hawkwind. now there's a headline i never thought i'd see.

bitchfork's got the news on karen o's new side project. silly name or not, the girl's got pipes, and i might check out some of it online once it appears. i like love songs and high drama.

in the meantime, i am currently and endlessly fascinated by this trailer. i don't even care that it's got paris hilton in it -- i wanna see that movie asap, thx. (hey, i'm a sucker for well-synced movie trailers, good tunes, goth-rock musicals, anthony stewart head...)

and as far as movies are concerned: thank you, maclean's, thank you, thank you for this. that batman animated series was an integral part of my childhood, and i always thought that mark hamill was the best joker pretty much ever (especially because it proves that luke fuckin' skywalker is also an awesome voice actor!). between him and kevin conroy, that show was the shit in terms of a stellar voice acting cast. i still haven't seen the dark knight yet - waiting for the crazed masses to die down so i can stand a chance at getting a ticket - but that little blast from my past (i think i've seen that episode three or four times before, as i have with the entire series) will tide me over for a bit.

what's funny is that i thought the exact same thing when i read that article last week. i live two blocks south of where that all went down, by the way. scary times, yo.

okay, now i really should start work on that article...i may or may not be up into the wee hours finishing it, but that's what we procrastinators get. i've always written more lucidly at night, anyway.

p.s. my new thing - primarily for summers, especially for lazy weekend mornings - is sangria. please send me any recommended recipes.

[ music | the kooks, "always where i need 2 be" ]

Thursday, July 17, 2008

hold on to what you've got

let's start this post off right: vampire weekend cosplays the cure! i absolutely effin' love it. i can't say i still find fat bob sexy but, like any good goth girl, i would definitely like him to be my crazy lipstick-smeared uncle.

barenaked lady admits to drug use. if taken completely out of context and read at face value, that's actually a really funny headline.

and jam! continues the scandalous music news by informing us that our own david lee roth impersonator has a "dark history". for somebody being that keen to impersonate david lee roth, i'd expect you'd have to have one of those.

i hate sally split up. i haven't heard enough of their music to judge their merits, but they're at least from my hometown and i know they're friends of friends, therefore this gets a mention. also i seem to recall them being around for like forever.

finally saw 300 last night (the boy and i were racked with the choice between that, pirate porn, and zombies. it is the lucky man whose girlfriend prefer violence and tits to chick flicks and sob stories), and this is basically destroying me right now. my sense of humour is always either really mean or really random.

torontoist brings us the current forerunner in cbc's hockey night in canada theme song contest. and it is most definitely a winner.

also from torontoist: now that i am no longer in the cafe business (and hopefully will never have to be again), i can be free to laugh at the foibles of second cup. would be better if it were starbucks because my jihad against them still stands, but oh well. i'll take what i can get.

speaking of things calling to me, right now that would be the gym. i'm out.

[ music | urge overkill, "sister havana" ]

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

don't care what they say

...see? see? i am going to be dedicated to blogging again, even though i've got the 9-to-5 life and the sleep-ins in the morning and the evenings and weekends full of good times! (mmmm...sleep-ins. fuck you, coffee shop jobs and your obscenely early morning shifts -- never again, says i) from here on, i think life's gonna be pretty good. and it's about damn time. wooooo!

(oh yeah, and it's also nice to see my audience has picked right back up to normal levels. i notice i'm already getting a few hits again from california -- hey, uh, are you guys doing okay? i mean, with the crazy fires and all. when i was visiting los angeles last october, the forest fires were so bad that the sky was orange-red when my flight left on the last day)

speaking of weekends, the boyfriend and i saw hellboy II last saturday evening, and it very much deserves its 88% approval rating on rotten tomatoes. sure, the love plotlines were unconvincing and selma blair couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag, but the special effects made it good fun and hellboy was wicked rad. i've always had an enormous soft spot for the anti-heroes.

anti-hero pete doherty is prolific! amy winehouse...not so much. is it wrong that i'm kinda glad that the "omfg crackhead rock star" spotlight has turned from pete to amy? it's my lingering love for the libertines talking, i suppose.

neat article on party photographers, a rather new phenomenon in the last few years. (camwhoredom, however, is obviously not.) i remember there was a dude from (i think) last night's party at a vhs or beta show in toronto a couple years back and he kept trying to get me to come party with the band. jenna will know why i refused. eheh.

oh, courtney love, never satisfied. holy jesus f'in christ, woman.

and so, um...jay-z demands watermelon carved into a likeness of beyonce's breasts. i sort of find that hard to believe, and am also in awe of whoever thought that inventive little piece of gossip up. way to go!

i summed up last friday's air guitar championship; photo (needs more!) by john. we stuck it out through nearly five fucking hours of that stuff. it really stopped being fun between 12:30 and 1 a.m., seriously.

in other music journalistic news - maybe some of the last for a while, because i want to kind of take a break for a few weeks and focus on this new job o' mine - article forthcoming on left spine down, after a lovely interview conducted over the phone with denyss, once and former bass player for the black halos. gotta love those interviews where it's more like you're just friends shooting the shit for twenty minutes. (hey, the guy's seen me in my underwear and vice versa. why not?)

brb, work time soon, must get presentable now.

[ music | ramones, "she's a sensation" ]

Thursday, July 10, 2008

the one who stays

before we go any further, clarification is needed: i am not naked in my new blog profile photo. only from the tits up. (i was wearing a corset. actually, this corset. i have both those skirts, too.)

and the tattoo on my shoulder blade is the moist logo. for real. (and i am not ashamed at all, damn it.)

a good example of a clickworthy headline: how 365 days of cosmo advice saved my life. really cute article, too; left me sort of sheepish since i, supreme magazine junkie, have and still do bow to the pressure of cosmopolitan and glamour on occasion. again, my feminist self weeps.

idolator dishes rock band 2 rumours! this makes me so psyched, because i got hooked on rock band while living in vancouver. typical saturday night would involve going to leora's neighbour's place, getting hammered, watching the hockey game, playing several rounds of rock band in which we attempted to either master or butcher songs as expertly as possible, getting more hammered, and then stumbling off to the bars downtown.

speaking of boozing it up, lil wayne champagne? why not, it rhymes.

one of my new favourite summer time-wasters is the a.v. club (a subsidiary of the almighty onion), the taste test section in particular. i think it's more my trainwreckish fascination with american snack foods.

kill hannah are playing toronto on august 15th, which makes me happy. further making me happy is the fact that their myspace left a comment on mine, which is something i'm pretty sure they don't use a bot or an admin for. if they still remember me (which they always seem to, so i don't know why i'm surprised by it anymore), i'm gonna be as psyched as a fat kid with an unopened box of twinkies.

despite the fact that there's still too many promos (what's the audio version of a tv station bumper?) and way too many repetitive commercials, i'm back on the indie 103.1 -- mostly because it amuses me that i can identify a social distortion song within the first five seconds. i'm not sure if it's because of their "sound" or because the memory of the tune is subconscious in me, having seen them play live almost every night for almost three weeks and all.

and do i miss those days? fuck, yes, of course i do. i miss any and all of the days i spent on the road with (and chasing after) any and all of the bands and the boys. there is very little i love more than travelling. you know how some lucky people can define where and when they're the most happy in life? for me, it's being on the road. if i could make merching into a full-time and financially lucrative career (and yes, i know it is possible, but it's infinitely hard to break into), then i'll know i've reached nirvana.

...but when it comes to everyday financial means and realistic careers, i'm relieved to report that the job interview yesterday went swimmingly; am currently waiting to hear back from them. am keenly aware that if i manage to land this job (social media specialist for an online marketing company), it will probably mean the thankful and long-awaited end of my career in retail/hospitality-job hell; thus, am nail-bitingly anxious. though i sent a pretty awesome thank-you e-mail to follow up.

please oh please oh please.

[ music | the submarines, "you me & the bourgeoise" ]

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

take only what you need

so i don't know if any label execs or street-team moguls still have this blog on their radar, but i gotta say -- man, are you people funny.

not exactly ha-ha funny, though -- i more tend to liken the amount of press releases and promos i get in my e-mail to common spam. what i find more amusing is that i don't receive these things because of my music journalism -- they don't go to my professional e-mail address. instead, everything comes to the e-mail address associated with both this blog and my old one, which means that the teams have been trolling my blog and now hope that i'll expound on the awesomeness of their clients.

which is an example of ha-ha funny.

as i've said before, i don't sell in my blogs. sure, i've had the opportunity to, and this distance had gained a fair amount of influence over the years, but my main issue was that none of my blogs were ever completely music-focused. i know lots of great music blogs run by a single person that focus solely on bands and new tunes, but for me - who had her first blog back when they were still called "online diaries" - it always has been a diary. perhaps not first and foremost, but i could never help sneaking in bits and pieces about my everyday life. and i guess it was sort of a surprise to me - it still is, really - that the majority of my readership always found those to be the most interesting parts of my blog entries. never mind the music news and pop culture -- those don't seem to matter much when the author is a foul-mouthed twentysomething rock chick who drinks heavily, dates guys in bands, and sometimes has the penchant to up and follow musicians across the country. (also see: penchant to up and move across the country.)

but the reason why i include so much music content is - and has always been - so i can cleverly sneak in lots of love for my favourite bands, and also to hype up acts that i believe will fucking rule. natural extension of being a music journalist, i guess -- inasmuch as we tear down shitty bands, we also want to introduce you to your new favourite band. we have a responsibility with this thing, after all.

so, back to the old routines:

exclaim! brings us that weirdness that is the indie rock colouring book. i love it when people think such things are necessary in any way.

however, pete doherty proves that cats are necessary. seriously, if that gossip is true, then that man can do no wrong with me. moggies for life.

ontario cops save the life of david lee roth. sammy hagar is kicking the ground in frustration.

your polaris prize shortlist nominees. as per usual, absolutely nobody i give two shits about. but i'd like to see black mountain win, if only for the tenuous black halos connection. (their bassist was the halos' first bass player)

on the other hand, i would have been notably more psyched if les breastfeeders had been nominated. friend pat accurately describes them as "the french hives". check out their myspace and listen to my current favourite song, "tuer l'idole".

another new band i want to take time to plug is major maker -- not just because one-half of the band is my boyfriend's roommate and not just because i'm in their next music video, but because they are super fun. and playing a pay-what-you-can gig on saturday night at tranzac! (this is their song in this commercial here)

and now, homemakerdom: see, the boy's been having a rough last few days -- notably, in the span of 24 hours, his bike got stolen and his cell phone service got cut off. after he called me dejectedly from a payphone while on a video shoot, sounding like the weight of the world was on his foxy shoulders (he hasn't been sleeping well lately, either), it was clear what any sensible, caring girlfriend would do:

bake zucchini bread.

thanks to past wiliness, i was able to find out that zucchini bread is his favourite of all baked goods, and have since made him two -- both while at my mother's house, using a recipe from her ancient canadian living cookbook. last time, though, i had the foresight to copy down the recipe and also steal one of my mother's many loaf pans for my own usage. a few trips to the dollar store (for cheap yet proper baking equipment) and the bulk food store (for cheap yet proportioned amounts of spices and powders) later, and i had my very own kitchen fired up and ready to bake up some comfort. kind of a novelty considering that my last apartment in vancouver's "kitchen" consisted of a tiny hallway between the main room and the bathroom, and only had room for a bar fridge, a microwave and a hot plate.

happily, it turned out just as well as the past two did, despite the fact that i was baking in a different environment. (i don't have as good a grater as my mother does, so the zucchini shreds were considerably bigger, but oh well) mission accomplished.

...i hope it can be understood that domestication was not an instantaneous reaction to becoming someone's significant other; i'm very sure it was latent instinct. i'm such a girl: caregiver, caretaker. the feminist in me weeps.

anyway, i have a job interview tomorrow for social media specialist with a marketing company, so i'm kinda crossing every crossable appendage right now. back to garnering the good vibes...come onnnnn, good vibes!

[ music | the cure, "charlotte sometimes" ]

Monday, July 7, 2008

i belong in your arms

you can kind of blame the boyfriend for this.

last weekend was spent primarily by us lounging around on his back deck, getting drunk and enjoying the july sunshine, and i was talking about my writing and how sad it was that i didn't have the same motivation for it these days. he said he felt the same way about his blog, and we both kind of looked at each other over our cigarettes and made a mutually inebrieted vow to start writing more. so, there you have it. simple explanation for my hopefully more-permanent return to this blog.

(i also got him to finally - and slightly sheepishly - admit that he reads this blog, and my old one as well. oh well, i don't mind. i take no responsibility for any unexpected things my audience may read, as always -- and it was him who urged me to not feel like i have to censor myself.)

...all the same, it was a good reminder of the pitfall that many blog writers/readers fall into: the fact that since so many of my real-life friends were reading my blog, they all of a sudden felt disconnected from my life when i stopped. um, people -- there's e-mail. there's the telephone. there's actual straight up connecting with me on a one-and-one basis, without an online filter like a blog to stand between us. in other words: if you're that interested in my life and what i'm up to, why not just get ahold of me yourself and ask? as any longtime readers of my blogs may know, i'm not exactly the most closed-off and private person in the world, so i'd have been happy to talk your ear off. (er....type your eyes out? dunno.)

anyway, i'm not upset about that -- just reflecting on something which i know is a common devolution with friends and blogs. to me, it's a pretty good example of how technology simplifies our lives and our means of communication, but it doesn't always make it better. convenience doesn't always equal substance. et cetera, et cetera. (my mother is one of those people, for example, who can't even contemplate the idea of a couple text messaging each other instead of using the phone. sure, it's quicker and more convenient, but some of the intimacy is lost -- and if there's one thing i learned while conducting a long-distance relationship for five months, it's that sometimes putting in a bit more effort makes all the difference in the world.)

to recap:

i am now living in a lovely little bachelor apartment, located in the basement of a converted old victorian home in the southern part of the annex (coincidentally, only two blocks south of where i used to live for the first two years of this distance). despite the fact that i pay more for this little place than i ever have for an apartment in the past, its proximity to pretty much everything is its biggest benefit - i mean, seriously, i can walk downtown, something that would have taken me almost two hours when i was perpetually living on the east end - and is nourishing my spirit as we speak. really, there is nothing more soul-crushing than living so far from all your friends and all the action. thank you to two years of beaches living for teaching me that.

i am still unemployed. almost two and a half months now, and yes, i am past the "pretty freaked out" point into the realm of "panicked anxiety". to be financially stable is one of the biggest pillars in my life, and if i can't rely on being able to support myself, then everything gets thrown off. sure, i've been coping and learning how to live on meager funds (ie. whatever money my parents have been giving me), but it's been hard going and pretty much destructive when it comes to my self-esteem. vaguely worse is the fact that i did have a job as a cafe supervisor -- for a total of five days, before the neurotic control-freak cafe owner decided that i wasn't living up to her expectations quickly enough. yep, out on my ass. things have been looking a little more promising lately though, which is a good thing because - as i said with some surprise to my mother over the phone last night - i actually like work. insomuch as one can like work, that is -- few people really like working, but i enjoy being active and productive and doing something constructive with my time. i've been on permanent vacation since the end of april, and while that may sound great, it's actually been boring me to tears on many occasions. i don't crave a job so much that i'll go throw my resume at mcdonald's or anything, but it'll be damn good to get back to putting productivity in my life.

i've been checking out a lot of books from the library. (i take it as a proud sign that, although i have a television that pulls in two channels and a number of dvds, i still prefer to sit and read for hours) best two i've gotten out so far: joe hill's heart-shaped box and sara gruen's water for elephants. surprising what good stuff you can find in the local library these days. (though my heart still belongs to the two best books i read in vancouver: lionel shriver's we need to talk about kevin - which i rather ill-advisedly gave to my mom as a mother's day present; as far as i know, she hasn't read it yet - and poppy z. brite's lost souls. quick, to bmv!)

yet i have recently become addicted to the tudors. damn it.

my hair is no longer black; it's pretty much completely returned to its old boring colour of dark brown. everyone from my family to the boy to my hairstylist professes to love my natural colour, though, so it seems i'm the odd one out. regardless, i can't seem to make myself reach for a box of black hair dye again, especially given how i hold that bad job i did last summer responsible for the hair-follicle holocaust that caused tons of it to fall out. even my mother mourns the fact that my hair is (still) much thinner than it used to be. not sure if it really was the chemical bath to blame, then - could have been stress, could have been genetics, could have been the vegetarianism - but either way, i don't want to risk it. a woman's hair is her vanity? you bet yer ass.

i don't stay out until the early hours of the morning anymore. my stamina doesn't allow it. i'm getting old.

there is still the boy. he is still awesome. our relationship is still rocking. sure, there are still those few blips here and there, but i always do think back to what my mother said last month with a sigh: "honey, you're a force to be reckoned with, and you need someone equally strong to handle that." i personally don't think there's anybody out there with that sort of strength, but this one does very well with me regardless. there are so many moments - canada day at 10 p.m., standing on the roof with my arms around him as we watched fireworks; rolling out of bed on a saturday morning and stumbling hand-in-hand to the nearest greasy spoon for breakfast, hair unbrushed and sunglasses mutually affixed over our bloodshot eyes; sitting on the pub patio in the bright afternoon sun and watching people go by - where i just stand outside myself and look at the scene contentedly, knowing that this was what i was looking forward to during all those cold lonely months in vancouver. just this.

(he also said he "doesn't mind" if i talk about him in here, but i'm still antsy about going into details, so i'll simply reiterate that he is the drummer for this rock band -- myspace here. he is not the guy with the beard and he is not the chick, so use process of elimination. my mother thinks he looks like keith urban; i think this is false. one of his friends is closer when he said that my boyfriend is a dead ringer for sawyer on lost, which yes, yes he is.)

here is a picture of us that i kind of totally love, taken in march while waiting for the victoria ferry to take us back to the vancouver mainland (after having not properly slept or bathed for over 48 hours):

we're dirtbags. d'awwwww.

i have more or less reconciled myself with life in vancouver. truthfully - and somewhat expectedly - i look back on my time there rather fondly, as i'm never much happier than i am when i'm looking forward to something, and the majority of my vancouver time was spent excitedly anticipating, well, this. and so my vancouver months are glossed over with a rosy sheen, remembering all the hours i spent looking forward to my imminent future back in toronto. sure, not living for the present was kind of a waste, but it helped me think of my time in vancouver as a good one. some misery and depression, yes, but it brought me to here, and i'm grateful for it.

so thank god, there is still toronto, as it has always been.

i actually had a moment about this on saturday night. i was off to the horseshoe to meet up with octo for a night of les breastfeeders' garage-y brand of yé-yé madness, and since i don't have the money for one of those aformentioned insanely expensive metropasses, i walked there. not a far distance from my place - just across college street and down through chinatown to get to the main drag of queen street west - but as i strode there on stiletto heels, through the half-deserted streets and neon lights and warm summer darkness, i had only one indescribable feeling:

all your life has been leading up to moments like this.

simple moments, perhaps, but moments that remind me that this is what i always wanted most as a kid and a teenager: to be an adult living in a metropolitan city, with good friends and rockstar acquaintances and a great boyfriend and a cool apartment. i may be broke and unemployed, sure, but otherwise? i've got pretty much everything else i've ever fucking wanted out of life.

and that is one of the best feelings.

now i'd better go do something at least semi-productive with my time.

[ music | tv on the radio, "wolf like me" ]

Sunday, July 6, 2008

deus ex machina

reboot in effect.


[ music | the sisters of mercy, "more" (groove mix) ]