Tuesday, May 13, 2008

dominion someday

so, here we are again.

in more ways than one, i suppose -- for one, yes, i know i haven't updated in nearly a month. call it social and personal upheaval; dropping your life and relocating to the other side of the country again kind of takes its toll. for two, i still wasn't quite sure what to do with this blog, since it was primarily created to detail my life on the west coast (you know, hence the subtitle and all). for three, this is my first honest to god (honest to blog?) chance at sitting down and writing a proper entry since i got home on may 1st. ever since then - and since my horrified discovery that there is virtually no free wireless anywhere in toronto, whereas it pretty well blankets vancouver - i've been restricted to being online only when i'm forking over cash at a hotspot with my laptop, or whenever i can sneak on the boyfriend's computer. (which isn't that often, which is totally fine by me because i'd much rather spend the time with him -- sorry, internets)

finally, though, "here" and "again" could also refer to the fact that i'm in kingston right now - back in the basement of my mother's house, where i've been staying for a break/family visit - and, of course, i made it back to toronto. my home and heartland.

not much has changed there, really. don't think i expected it to. same streets, same neighbourhoods, same campus, same old workplaces. same city i grew up and came of age in so many years ago. but what i did expect - and what did come true - is the feeling of finally being able to exhale, and breathe, and know inherently that i'm back where i belong. amidst the semi-constant text messages and e-mails from old toronto friends gushing about how good it is to have me home and how we need to get together soon and so on (and all of that still blows my mind -- just the knowledge that people actually care that much about me being back), i've been able to walk through kensington market almost every day with a huge, face-busting grin on my face and a whisper of a disembodied voice in my ear. oh, sweetheart. welcome home.

and then there is the boy.

...as curious as i know some of you are, i'm not going to say too much on that topic, because i get the impression that he's not the kind that likes to have relationship deets plastered on the internets for the world to see (and he himself is on the internets a lot), which i respect. but i will say that it's going well; especially well considering that it's me in the girlfriend seat, and i'm typically a neurotic basket-case disaster in a relationship. not to say that there haven't been some of those moments so far -- i've had to do some apologizing already for being a neurotic basket case, but i am fortunate that he is of a very forgiving nature. bless him.

see, the big thing that's throwing me off in my life right now is the same situation i was in back in vancouver, eight months ago. it's obvious to pretty much everybody who's close to me that i'm a control freak in a lot of ways, and i need a certain core stability in my life in order to feel like i'm in control of the vital things. to me, those vital things are 1) financial means (aka job) and 2) housing. (there's a third, but it's sort of sillier -- i need a gym membership so i can have control over my weight) right now, just like eight months ago, i have neither. i'm unemployed and i'm living out of two duffel bags in my boyfriend's bedroom. as well off as i'm doing right now, it's still not a scenario i'm used to, and thus i'm completely fucking thrown off. and i have been, for the last week and a half.

so, yeah. drop all that mental tumult into a long-distance relationship that's suddenly been brought home into essentially domestic partnership, and it's neurotic basket case, ahoy. i repeat: i am very, very lucky this man is understanding. gods know i wouldn't be, if it were me.

but! things are well. as i mentioned, i'm back at "home" home, finishing up some recuperation time before i swing back into the city for the next round of get-togethers, alcoholism, late-night cuddling in the middle of the kitchen, mad job/apartment hunting, frolicking through downtown toronto on sunny afternoons, and everything that comes with the life i tried to leave behind, only to realize that it was what i'd wanted all along.

ain't life funny.

this time, i actually do promise i'll be back. but for now: shower, packing, getting ready to go back to the city.

[ music | soothing sounds of the dryer upstairs, mmmm clean laundry ]