Thursday, April 17, 2008

what the heart knows

hooray, hump day!

most of the non-elitist music websites have got it out there by now, but what the hell -- crue fest! that lineup isn't too thrilling to me (i know, surprising) but i would welcome the chance to see motley crue again, and i actually enjoyed the hell out of sixx: a.m.. i also enjoy the hell out of nikki sixx. yep.

also all over the blogosphere, but more so in those aformentioned elitist music blogs: the a.v. club lists the top 20 bands that peaked at their debut. oooooh snap. (sadly, i would personally add interpol. you know it's pretty much true, once you think about it)

fun little article about the eurovision song contest. seriously, if a band like lordi can win, this must be one of the raddest contests ever.

for old time's sake: andy burrows has a new solo gig! and here i think everybody expected johnny to be the first one out the gate.

no one else will find this interesting, but i do because i worked for that company for seven straight years. junior isn't just a hottie, he's a loaded hottie. some of us young female cashiers used to joke about seducing him, but i guess he's married to a princess or something.

now, as almost expected, i had a moment the other night.

i was going back to the mainland on the seabus after going for early-birthday sushi (fucking amazing sushi by the way) with jenna, all the while vaguely aware that it would be the last time i cross the water on that funny little ferry. and as i stared ahead at downtown vancouver, all lit up across the ocean at night, my heart sank and i felt a sudden deep sadness.

i'm sorry. i am so, so sorry.

i wanted to like it here. i wanted this to be my new home. i could have stayed here, stayed single, ran a coffee shop, forever pined after the reason i came here (because there was, as always, a reason, and of course the reason has not acknowledged it, or me), settled in, been at least somewhat content with things. by now, it would have been an easy life for me here.

but i've never liked doing things the easy way.

instead, i've got less than two weeks left at my job, a number of goodbye parties/brunches/dinner dates planned, all my furniture and things here already sold off, signed subletter forms and postdated cheques in hand, a one-way plane ticket to toronto for two weeks from tomorrow, an awesome boyfriend that i'm fucking crazy about texting me all the time about how excited he is to have me back, my friends and family and the scene there all waiting for me.

i'll be there almost two weeks from now, restarting my old life. starting new.

day by day, i'm starting to believe it.

[ music | mgmt, "time to pretend" ]

Saturday, April 12, 2008

morning city sunrise

one week down, three more to go, and i'll be at home in toronto this time in three weeks -- well, "home" being the boyfriend's bedroom, but it seems like it'll be a good temporary home until i get my own place for hopefully mid-may. come onnnnn, good location and decent pricing in the t-dot! i know you're out there.

(though is it dumb that i'm already browsing the ikea website for nifty furniture and thingies to decorate my new toronto apartment with? i mean, this is the first time i've actually wanted to settle down somewhere, so i'm ready to go whole hog with the place. yikes.)

more weird and un/expected couplings: devendra banhart and natalie portman. while anybody could see the wentz-simpson marriage coming (though i still find them an odd yet apropos couple), this is just...weird. though banhart used to hang with lindsay lohen, so does that make him the reverse winona ryder? or cisco adler? my head hurts.

from idolator: why don't more girls play guitar? some of the commentary is equal parts insightful and infuriating, though i have to admit i giggled at the "rox out with your box out" quip. (i used to play guitar. i wasn't very good at it. apparently i'm learning how to play drums this summer.)

the cliks rule, and i can totally admit to having a tiny crush on lucas when i worked for his label last year. yes, even though he used to be a she. seriously, if you ever meet him, you'll understand. so f'in cool.

ever since my dear banger sister allison alerted me to the existence of goth detectives, i have to admit to being amused by the antics of russell brand -- particularly reading that he attempted to use a star wars toy as an aviary. aw, bless. i love me the caricture-type rockstar british people.

heather mills needs to a) shut up and b) check herself into a sanitorium. i could give less of a shit about the beatles - really - but the woman's a nutjob.

now, because i am equal parts a) lonely and b) a masochist, i've been finding some comfort/amusement in youtube-ing videos of the boy's bands. best one i could find: watch my baby in action. he's the one in the back smashing the hell out of the kit, obviously. (funnily enough, this video was shot at a gig in my hometown of kingston last september...yes, i was at the show, though he and i were still just friends at the time, despite people thinking otherwise by how flirty he was with me, and me trying to ignore it because i was moving to the other side of the country three days later and certainly could not afford to fall for a toronto guy at that time. oh man, life is so fucking weird.)

(though you also probably have to know the entirety of my band groupie history to understand how ironic it is that i was won over by a drummer. i mean, goddamn.)

on tap for this weekend: doing toshi and martinis tonight for van city partner-in-crime melissa's birthday, then off to granville island with my barista girls and their boyfriends tomorrow. gotta get my vancouver kicks in when i can right now...

[ music | the cure, "burn" ]

Sunday, April 6, 2008

and we're off

so, i guess now it's game on.

last night, i collected postdated cheques from the woman i chose to sublet my apartment for the rest of my lease (got her to sign a subletter's form too, don't worry). tomorrow, i'm giving my notice to my bosses at work -- my last day will be april 28th, so they'll have three weeks to find a replacement for me and plenty of time for me to train them if need be. i'm currently impatiently hanging on to westjet for their next one-day-only 50% off sale, so i can get the cheapest possible flight back to toronto on either april 30th or may 1st. after that, i'll be able to gauge when i can start donating and selling my things, if and when i'll need to hit people up for favours (jenna's already offered to drop off a bag of my clothes in toronto when she visits there next week - yay! - and melissa said i could crash at her place if i needed to stay here longer).

either way, no matter what, the ball's started rolling and i don't think i could stop it now if i tried -- if i even wanted to. because what i want is to be home at this time in a month, for whatever struggles and trials and chaos that in itself brings. (i mean, come on, i'm moving across the country and restarting my life for a second time -- and this time i have no fucking clue if i can ever afford it).

but like i said in an earlier entry, i want the things i love. i need those things in my life. and, since the majority of those things (minus a few really awesome vancouver friends) are in toronto, then i'm going to do whatever the fuck it takes to get me out of here by the end of april and on a plane back home.

onwards and upwards.

today, though, i'm going to seattle.

p.s. opinion: should i start another new blog, or just find some bizarre way to revamp this one? i kinda like the idea of having a new blog for another new period in my life, but this one has only just broken 50 entries, so...hmmm.

[ music | lostprophets, "we still kill the old way" ]

Saturday, April 5, 2008

every day is like sunday

...yeah, i know it's saturday, but now i have that song stuck in my head due to moz still hating on canada! much as i admire the man for sticking to his guns - and admiring him because, well, he's morrissey - i feel bad for fans like poor octo. such cold treatment from the king of angst!

also over at jam!, there's a boatload of juno awards articles -- the ceremony goes down tomorrow night in calgary, after all. like pretty much all awards shows, i used to watch the junos, but more out of 1) the feeling that i was required to as a music journo and 2) to see my nominated friends looking uncomfortable in the audience. but now i don't even own a tv set, so, well.

charles manson digs creative commons. creepy photo also included free of charge.

and oh fuck, lollapalooza 2008 lineup leaked! this makes me so insanely happy because, as i mentioned before, the boy and i are planning on making a few road trips together this summer, and one place we really wanted to hit up was chicago. a damn good excuse right there! can't wait to see the full lineup so far when it's officially released on monday... (in the meantime, stereogum's got more details)

more evidence that van break-ins and gear theft is a ridiculously huge fucking threat to bands: the coast got a bunch of personal stuff stolen during a van break-in in victoria. by now, i'm kind of thinking vancouver and victoria is like the los angeles of canada with its number of car thefts and burglaries. can't leave the damn thing alone for a few hours without risking it. (if i sound overly bitter, it's because the fear of gear theft is what kept my boyfriend's band from staying closer in vancouver while they gigged and recorded here -- a reasonable and wise decision, but it was pretty inconvenient to keep going to and from the lower mainland)

another band that basically lives in their van these days is die mannequin, whose newest ep collection i just reviewed and loved to bits. they're some damn good performers, those three. (i can also hazily recall being drunk with their drummer on a number of different occasions)

p.s. thanks to all who stuck it out through my last mush-induced entry...i have a habit of rationalizing a lot of emotional behaviour in order to have it make sense (my father was a psychology teacher), and i just felt the need to try and put it all into proper words. especially since he still leaves me speechless sometimes. d'awwww.

[ music | the black halos, "suck city" ]

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

before i hear another love song

reflections on being in an actual relationship, by moi.

....i don't really like talking too much about this stuff, because i don't like making my single friends - of which i have many, too many, as they are all sweet and lovely and do not deserve to be without male affection but they don't really need it to be awesome - feel bad. but seriously, guys, i did my time too -- i went over five years without having a relationship of any kind. i was perpetually single; i barely even dated. it was more of a long string of one-night stands and abusive crushes and unrequited angst, to the point where even my mother said in complete seriousness that she was afraid i would never be able to have a normal relationship. yeah, it got that bad.

so just humour me here, darlings -- this is my first time going through most of this, and if i can't write about it here, then i don't know where i can let it out (because screaming from the rooftops ain't gonna work in this city, i don't think).

alright, so here's what i've figured out:

you really do listen to more love songs. you read more poetry, and not necessarily the gooshy stuff -- deeper, meaningful writing, especially pieces by the old romantics. it's not like it makes any more sense now, but you tend to feel it more, and on some deeper level you can kind of understand what it's getting at. it all makes you look back on past relationships - past attempts at relationships - without the rose-coloured glasses, since now you can see where and how they all went wrong. because now, things are being done right. (and for me, that was enough to make me chuckle aloud as i approached his apartment in toronto a couple weeks ago, murmuring to myself, "sweetheart, you have got one weird fucking life.")

there's the little things, like the devotion and the need to provide unconditional care and support (you know, in the absence of things like pets or plants or fetuses -- i am female, after all, and my tomboyishness has never managed to suppress my nurturing instincts). these aren't alien concepts to me in any way; i've been giving so much of myself to so many musicians for years now, but this is the first and only time i've been getting just as much back in return. and you know how that feels? damn good, that's how. fulfilling. satisfying. knowing for once that you and your emotions aren't being taken advantage of.

above all, i've found that it's security. it's the comfort of being able to wake up in the morning in his bed and not having to hear "okay, you have to leave now." (which i heard many times in the past -- the mistress/groupie is never too welcome to stick around the next morning, since, y'know, her job is done and all) it's being able to slowly, day by day, lower my defense and let down my guard and believe that maybe this time there won't be the sudden phone call or e-mail to tell me that he "can't do this" for whatever stupid fucking reason, like all of them have done to me so far. (there were literally weeks when i waited with sweaty palms and shortness of breath for that fucking phone call. it didn't come. i eventually exhaled.) hell, it's being able to use the word "boyfriend" around him without fear that he won't get completely weirded out and try to correct me. it's overcoming all the touchy bits from the past that have made me so gunshy.

i guess you might call it learning to trust my heart again. and that in itself has been so long in coming.

and it's nice to realize in moments of stunning lucidity how natural it all is, and know that that's the way it's supposed to be. there is no constant omfg i have a boyfriend now!!! ticker running through my head, like i always thought there would be -- no sort of constant awareness that i'm no longer single, after having gone years and years without a boyfriend. the world didn't morph or cave in or become something completely different overnight after we grinned over the phone and made vows of "alright, i'm yours." "and i'm yours." it was more akin to taking a breath, or releasing a sigh, and letting life simply accommodate and absorb this new presence/concept as though it'd been there all along. as though he'd always been a part of things.

once upon a time - okay, maybe only a few years ago, during the busiest multi-tasking job-juggling point in my life - my mother told me that "if it's right, you'll find the time, and your life will automatically make room for it", and now i know what she meant. there is no effort in becoming one-half of a couple, because if it's meant to be, then it'll be effortless.

it's also nice to be able to look back and not know when or how the pet names started, or when "you and me" became "we", or when we began to use "my" and "your" in a non-scary way to denote each other. it's nice to think about the little things, such as the toronto weekend when someone asked us how long we'd been together and we actually had to think about it (it's all kind of blurred together by now), or whenever we introduced each other as "my boyfriend" or "my girlfriend". again, without freakouts or inherent weirdness.

these are all the things i've never had until now. these are all the things i've always been denied in the past.

so you can understand how this means so much to me, and how grateful i am to have this chance, and how determined i am to do it all as right as possible.

(.....he wouldn't have been happy to know that i cried again last night, alone in my apartment with matthew good playing on my itunes and my bed empty and him already back on the road. but the fear and uncertainty will never completely go away until we're back in each others' arms for good, and i have every finger crossed that it will all work out for the best -- or at least the way it's supposed to.)

and i have hope. i have to.

one foot in front of the other...

[ music | the sisters of mercy, "some kind of stranger" ]